I (29F) don’t enjoy Christmas. My parents are divorced but remain best friends, so growing up it was always just my parents, my elder brother and me. My dads family lives abroad and my moms across country, so we never grew up close to extended family. Family-friends have always been what felt like family.
As children every year for Christmas we visited my moms family, which was basically the only time we ever saw or talked to them. As a teenager, I started feeling very uncomfortable with their world views and questioned that they never visited us – the effort was always on us. In 29 years, they’ve only visited us twice, despite often being in our city. Christmas felt more like an obligation than anything.
At 16, I said I was kinda over it and would rather spend Christmas with my dad or the people actually in our lives. This hurt my mom, who felt pressure from her parents if we didn’t come. At first we were alternating years, but at 20 I said I was done entirely. Since then, none of us have gone, and although I’ve always said they could just go without me, it felt like my fault that nobody went.
After that, Christmas has been the four of us mostly sometimes with friends.
A few years ago my brother had a child and now alternates between SILs family and ours. My dad does the same with my younger sister at her mom’s house. That means every other year it’s just my mom and I. We usually do something alternative like traveling etc but she often suggests inviting others or spending Christmas with family friends, but I dont want to as this often entails staying overnight multiple days. I tell her she can go without me, but she never does, and it again makes me feel like I’m the one controlling everything.
This year is Christmas where dad and brother are absent. So I told everyone, just after last Christmas, that I planned to travel and didn’t want to celebrate this year. My trip couldn’t happen due to finances, but I still planned to spend Christmas alone in my new apartment and later meet up with a guy I’m seeing.
Even though she had a year’s advance, my mom didn’t make any plans and my dad’s were cancelled, so now that we reached December both are upset that I won’t spend Christmas with them since I’m “not doing anything”. They accuse me of “abandoning” and distancing myself from the family “out of principle”. And even my brother, is chiming in and said something like “well I guess your right as an adult is to choose to be an asshole”. But am I really?
I know their reaction comes from a place of love and wanting to spend time for me, but it hurts that my wishes are judged so harshly. I’m trying to explain it’s nothing personal and its just one year i dont get why it’s such a big deal. I’ve never accused anyone of abandoning the family when they go to partners’ families. I don’t want to feel guilty for wanting the freedom to choose just because I’m single and childless.
Their collective response has me really confused. Am I really the asshole?
NTA you can choose what to do with your time, do whatever you find most fulfilling and brings you the most joy!
You are all adults, why is there such random pressure from your family to see them?? I’m confused. NTA for making your own plans especially when you actively tell them they can do shit by themselves
You gave them a year’s notice so I fail to see how you’re TA
NTA. You’re putting yourself first, and that’s fine. As you say, they’ve had alternate plans and that’s fine too. It’s your turn.
If you often see your parents throughout the year, do what works for you. If your other opportunities to visit are limited, spend this time with them. Parents aren’t there forever.
I feel like I’m missing some deep lore.
But a years notice is a lot but maybe they forgot. Either way NTA.
What are you contributing that they’re missing? Sounds like not much.
They can catch you another time.
Maybe start new traditions — Xmas lunch the day before or something.
Yeah, YTA. People you love have all made clear that this is important to them, while you have made clear that their feelings take a backseat to your desire to hang out alone. While Christmas is not important to you, their *feelings* should still be important enough to you to give up *one day* where you have no particular plans in order to spend it with them, even if for no other reason than that it would mean a lot to them.
You are their daughter; you are not someone who can be replaced by simply finding something else to do.
At what point do her feelings matter?
NTA
Speaking to someone like that isn’t coming from a place of love. You aren’t abandoning anyone. The idea that you can’t make solo plans is ludicrous. It actually sounds like your mother is holding everyone hostage, she knew you wouldn’t be around and decided to make no plans so everyone would feel bad for her. And your brother just doesn’t want to change his plans to include your parents. I bet if you had a partner or kids you wouldn’t be getting this guilt trip. You are allowed to make your own plas, you don’t have to be available to everyone all the time, it isn’t up to you to keep Christmas together. Your parents could go to a soup kitchen and help others for the day, they have options they just don’t want to use them. Go enjoy your travels.
NTA, you gave them a years notice and you are over 18, they don’t get to dictate that you go see people you don’t care for… if you want to be selfish and do Christmas alone then go for it, you are an adult and can decide what you want to do.
Your parents are TA for trying to guilt you into spending Christmas with them when you told them you already had plans.
NTA. You are an adult and get to decide what you want to do. Explain to them that you want to spend the day alone this year and them trying to make you feel guilty only confirms that you made the right choice.
NTA. You can choose what you can do whenever you want to do it and – what might come as a shock to your parents – they can choose to do whatever they want to do and there’s no obligation that these things have to overlap.
Those family that are saying that you’re an a-hole are probably secretly jealous that you’ve got more freedom to choose.