I (21F) am currently living with my parents to be able to afford my degree. My father asked my mother for divorce months ago as they were drifting off and starting to not stand each other.
It’s been very hard on my mother, especially as they’re still living together for the time she has to find a place to live. The problem is that I am the only one in this house who she can directly vent to: my brother (10M) is obliviously too young, my sister (19F) is away for her study and while she’s still talking and co-parenting well with my father she obliviously can’t do that with him.
While I support their decision, it is something that is heavy to me to process emotionally especially as I have my own struggles. I do not like hearing her resentment for my father, her small comments about the state of our family, her references to how she’s leaving, etc. I do not interupt when she vent to me out of the blue and when I see her cry I ask her what’s wrong. But I never prompt her to talk to me, I am not actively engaging and I ignore when she makes passing comment. A few times, I even showed I was upset with it, especially when I felt the situation was inappropriate.
She has friends who support her, she isn’t alone but none of them are currently in the house living this situation. She also have been insecure over our relationship being conflictual for a long times and the divorce really has amplified her worries. I feel like I may be the asshole for being so distant with her in her time of need.
So am I the asshole for not helping my mother as she’s going through a divorce?
NTA, she’s still your parent and should behave like that. It’s not the kids burden to help their parents through a divorce.
perfectly said
NTA at all. You might technically be an adult, but that doesn’t matter to me because you’re still *her* kid. You can support your parents’ decision to divorce without taking sodes if thst is not something you want to do. I think it could be helpful to tell your mom that you love her snd want to support her but that it isn’t healthy for the dynamic if she vents to you, who had your own relationship with your father. She might be upset, I’ll be honest, but it really isn’t appropriate of her to continue. If she is upset then it is totally a reflection on her and NOTHING you did wrong. I am so sorry you’re going through this. Children shouldn’t be adultified in the face of their parents’ divorces.
NTA. You’re not supposed to be your parent‘s primary emotional support. Your parents should not put you in the middle of their divorce or damage your relationship with the other parent, and that’s exactly what happens if they vent about the other parent or come to you for support. The whole rest of their social circle, friends and family, are appropriate to turn to, but NOT their children.