I (20F) got invited to go to a pop-up convention with two of my friends. Let’s just name them for reference, Alex and Rebekah.
Alex, Rebekah and I had been close friends during high school. We use to hang out a lot and go out. During the past months they’ve started to leave me out. I didn’t really care at first because you know.. it’s normal. I started to initiate and invite them but they’ve always been busy and what not. Even if they did accept the invite, for some reason they’d cancel last minute with a valid reason. Or maybe they just want me to believe that. All of this was normal for me, I didn’t really try to put much thought into it because I understand we have our own lives.
Not until two months ago where I started seeing them on social media hanging out together and inviting another person (let’s name him, Elijah). Alex, Rebekah and Elijah then became the trio.
At that point I really felt left out. During that month I felt depressed. Not just because of this but also because of other things. I deactivated all of my social media account just so I could avoid seeing all of them together. Long story short I was able to heal. It was hard especially as an over-thinker but I was able to get better after a month. My mental health was better than it was before and now I knew my worth.
I’ve told a few of my other friends about how I felt. At this point I no longer care what they do. But just yesterday they messaged me and invited me to go out to the pop-up convention and talk so that we could fix what happened in between those months and about what I felt. (Which by the way was snitched on to them) I appreciated the gesture, I really did. But, I really felt uncomfortable and I wasn’t the type to talk about feelings. I was the type who just ignores, move on and act like nothing happened.
I wanted to go. (The main reason why was because my friend was hosting the pop-up convention we planned to go to) but, I was afraid of being left out or being uncomfortable to talking and all. So, I chatted one of my “friend” to go with me. (One of my close friends for years) She was one of the few I told about how I felt about it all. She was being sarcastic about how I was inviting her as a ‘just because’ or a ‘inviting me for the sake so I wouldn’t feel left out’ or ‘second option’ and all that. I didn’t really think much because I thought she’d be okay to come and ask for some support if shit goes bad. Of course I wouldn’t just leave her there if she did ever go. I thought she would be alright with it and out of all the people would understand how I feel.
Yes, I could say NO to the invite of Alex and Rebekah. But, like I said I really wanted to support my friend.
Was it bad that I just wanted some assurance? Some moral support?
And in addition, was it bad to say No to the invite after months of trying to fix the damage they did to me? Was it bad that I don’t want to hear what they have to say even though they are now making efforts?
You’re 20? Oh good grief. Ignoring, moving on and acting like nothing happened helps no one. Least of all you. The thing about friends is they are generally allowed to have and hang out with other friends without you. The friend you invited as a “buffer” doesn’t seem like they want to be a “buffer”. And if you don’t want to go meet up with Rebekah and Alex then don’t go.
There are NAH though you do have some maturing to do. You may have known each other since school but you all should’ve done some growing up by now.
honestly you did the right thing by bringing justin. it’s clear they’re icing you out and why go just to feel awkward the whole time? friendship shouldn’t feel that draining.
I think you should decline Alex and Rebekah’s invitation without giving any reasons, something like “thanks Alex and Rebekah for the invite but I won’t be able to make it with you, I hope you have fun”. Then, I think you should apologise to your other friend for making her feel like a “second option”, let her know that in actual fact she is your first option, and emphasise that you have declined Alex and Rebekah’s invitation and would really love to go with your other friend and only with your other friend. You are NTA.
> Was it bad that I just wanted some assurance? Some moral support?
This is framing around you, and the answer is No, you’re not bad for wanting these things. But ultimately you did want your friend to go as a buffer, but she’s in the knowledge that if you were in a good place with Alex and Rebekah, you wouldn’t have invited her. It’s not a nice feeling to know your presence isn’t desired just for you, but for how you can benefit someone else’s social worries. I’m anxious myself and when i want a social buffer its not cause of any fears to do with anyone else, i invited them because i’ll have a better time with them, their presence will make me enjoy it more, they are fun and I like being with them.
In terms of you old friends, listen you’ll get nowhere avoiding talking, not in friendships, relationships, with family, with tradespeople, with anyone. Sometimes we fuck up in ways we dont notice, and someone explaining gives us the chance to apologise, or just acknowledge their feelings and explain any misunderstanding. You’ll have stronger relationships for it. You can say to no to the invite but it looks like you’ll never know why yhe relationship fell apart. I wouldn’t let this pattern repeat. You’ll end up needing so much therapy for the stuff you don’t talk about – because even if you ignore its still there within you.