So I (20f) and my best friend Mary (21f) (fake name) have been hanging out for about 2 years. Last year she invited me over to her dad’s place where I hung out and had dinner. Now for context, I have a large appetite and have always eaten pretty large portions, while Mary is the opposite and has always eaten smaller portions. And while at the dinner table her dad makes a joke that maybe me and her should swap families because their entire family is full of light eaters and they constantly have to throw out leftovers. I went along because I wanted to make a good first impression. Now since then I’ve been over at her place quite a bit and he continued making these jokes and I played along, meanwhile so far she has given me no indication she dislikes this joke. Then 10 months in (2 weeks ago) Mary calls me and tells me that she does not like me playing along to her dad’s joke and that it has caused her to be insecure about how much she eats. I told her that I am sorry that she feels this way and tell her that I will do my best to follow her wishes but ask that if I have a slip up or two she be patient with me. As well as that next time if she feels uncomfortable about something she should tell me from the beginning as I have a hard time breaking habits. Well, yesterday I stayed over at her place, and I made my first slip up. Today she called me furious and asking why I went along with the joke again and I apologized profusely. She said I was an a-hole and now I am here wondering if she is right. So, reddit… AITA?
You are NTA. She is Y T A. It her her job to manage her father, not yours.
ESH Knowing how much she dislikes it, you should have made an effort to no longer play along with the joke. You slipping up means that you didn’t actively keep her wishes in mind in the exact situation where the issue would come up.
That said, what she’s getting upset about isn’t actually a real issue unless she has some sort of disorder (in which case she needs to tell you that if she wants you to take this more seriously). If their whole family are light eaters, he’s not singling out his daughter and it just seems like a bit of light banter to make you feel welcome to eat heartily when they aren’t. I think the real solution is for her to realize this and not worry about it (unless there is something deeper going on and she is dealing with a disorder).
NTA! OP said this was almost a *year* into the joke. In 10 months, Mary, her supposed best friend, never said one word to OP about not liking this joke.
Then, when Mary finally talked to OP about it (and only to OP…Mary was cowardly not talk to her father about it too), OP was respectful of Mary’s feelings, only asking for patience if OP made a mistake once or twice (because you know 10 months has already gone by and OP was worried about a slip up).
Plus, OP was mature enough to also ask Mary, in future, let her know when she’s upset about something and not wait another almost year to talk about it.
So NTA. Not by a long shot. Saying “ESH” is so insulting to OP, who was unaware of Mary’s feelings. She immediately tried to do what she could to make Mary feel better. She made a simple MISTAKE and apologized immediately for it.
JFC it’s like people can’t even make an innocent mistake. It wasn’t intentional, it wasn’t repetitive, it wasn’t malicious.
People saying “she didn’t respect a boundary” need to apply to Pope Leo for sainthood because they must all be perfect and have never made a mistake in their lives. The rest of us should all be so disappointed in ourselves that we aren’t as perfect as them.
Mary is TA and needs to speak to her own father about her feelings and not lay that responsibility on everyone else’s doorstep to manage for her.
Mary really needs to talk to her father as that’s the root of the issue. It’s his jokes making her uncomfortable.
NTA. Tell Mary you’re just trying to be polite. If you want to be harsh then tell her to grow a spine and talk to her father. If there are no jokes then there’s no reaction to it.
YTA. Your friend tells you she’s not okay with you playing along with her dad’s “jokes” about preferring you to her based on superficial things like your appetite, and instead of just not engaging with the dad’s antics anymore, you ask her to be “patient” with you for future “slip ups”. Do you have no self-control or what?
YTA for this opinion. It is her friends problem:
She should address this issue with her dad directly. Not with her friend.
What would you rather her do? Rudely blank the dads jokes in his own house? Speak up on her friends behalf and state that the friend does not enjoy the jokes?
The friend needs to grow a back bone and stop taking out her frustrations on OP.
I see your point and agree that the friend should absolutely talk to her dad and how his “jokes” affect her. Still doesn’t change my mind on the issue of OP also not handling this matter as well as they could have.
And fyi, having a different opinion than you on a reddit post doesn’t make me T A. It just makes me a person with different experiences and a different view on this matter.
Seems you’re more than happy to label OP an AH for simply laughing at a few jokes. But labeling you an AH for in retort is crossing some sort of boundary?
I didn’t, don’t and won’t call OP TA for laughing at a few jokes. I called OP TA for agreeing to not engage with the dad’s jokes anymore, but needing grace for potential slip ups. If my friends tell me that something makes them uncomfortable and I agree to not do something anymore, there won’t be a need to excuse any slip ups. You call me TA for something I didn’t even write and then proceed to purposely misinterpret what I was saying, and for what exactly?
YTA She told you it was hurtful and you did it again. You need to be more mindful of your behavior in the moment and not let things just hurl out of your mouth.
NTA, she should talk to her dad, not ask you to change. The thing she can ask of you and you can help with is: not instigating these jokes.
Maybe offer to have lunch w the Dad and be there as support when she talks to him?
NAH. It wasn’t intentional, but once boundaries are set, slipping up is still on you to manage.