I’ve been living with my parents, along with my brother, in the same house for some time now. I’ve been looking for work, but have no money currently while he has a well paying job and is fairly well off. He drags me along with him to do little things like coffee, shopping, etc.. pretty much daily. I don’t mind going with him as it gets me out of the house, but I’ve gotten to the point where it’s just not enjoyable anymore. It feels like he’s holding it over me and it’s just exhausting to do anything with him. Lately he’s been asking me "when I’ll be paying him back for all the stuff he’s gotten me over the last couple of years" and while it felt like he was joking at first, it’s consistent almost every time we go do anything anymore and every little thing I do seems to just set him off and he’s berating me. Am I in the wrong for accepting his invites to go do things? I’m at the point where I want to decline, if only for my own mental health, because it’s just miserable. I’m not sure if I’m being inconsiderate in not declining when I know I can’t repay him?
NTA- just decline and tell him it’s not in your budget.
If he presses you and says he will pay for it you can expound and say you are not comfortable with that as there’s still an expectation for a repayment at a later time.
NTA, but tell him clearly. The next time he asks you out for coffee, clearly say you can’t afford it because you don’t have a job, and that you can’t pay him back. Maybe he’ll still want you to come, maybe not.
NTA. He’s shaming you to get a job. You keep referring to ‘they’ so I assume your parents are in on this shaming. Understand his ‘gifts’ have strings attached. You would be perfectly reasonable to decline his invitations from now on.
Also, you are wearing out your welcome. You either need to show that you are job hunting seriously, or you need to pick up a part time job at a burger place, grocery store, or coffee shop, while you take your time looking for the right job.
INFO. It’s hard to judge without more details. Did you ever clearly tell him that you can’t and won’t be paying him back, and did he ever clearly say that he expects reimbursement before paying for you? If there was no explicit agreement, it’s confusing that he’s now holding it over you. At the same time, it’s also uncomfortable to have someone paying regularly without a clear understanding on both sides
NTA. It’s already affecting your mental health so I think you know the answer. Just say no and do your own thing
No you’re NTA. It sounds like you may have to pass on some of these offerings moving forward.
NTA. Your brother is tho
You could join him for free things and decline the coffees etc., otherwise just go out for a walk, visit a library or free museum days yourself etc, to get out of the house. I’m sure his ragging on you isn’t helping your mental health at all.
NTA – that’s shitty behaviour of your brother, but ‘no’ is a complete sentence.
You say you’re going with him, but are you asking him or letting him, buy you stuff on these trips? Why?
Next time you are asked – make it clear from the outset that you don’t have any cash and you will not be able to pay him back for the foreseeable.
Stay at home and concentrate on getting a job.
Stop accepting him buying stuff for you.
You can join in on the free stuff, like walkin the park
NTA, I would clear the air with him, “I can’t go out with you because I’m broke and I know you are adding on to the money you feel I owe you. Because it’s only recently you’ve said you weren’t treating me, I don’t believe it was like an ongoing credit card style loan where I was to pay you back. If it was, you’d have told me in advance. Going forward I don’t want to go anywhere that costs anything or any “gifts” as I can’t afford them. When I’m working again, I can go out.” In the meantime, take a seasonal job to get some money and get out of the house. If you aren’t able to find work with your skill set and education, consider the trades because they pay you to learn, the pay is good and the work is consistent. If you have a different long term goal then this allows you to earn money while getting there.
How long have we been looking for work? I’m guessing brother is giving u a hard time because it’s more about u getting a job.
Thank you all for the comments, it’s all genuinely helpful. I will just be declining his invitations from here on. I was a bit fearful he’d just see it as me not wanting to hang out with him, so that was really my concern here. I DO have a job, though it is only temporary. I work nearly every day if possible, though as a substitute teacher it is first come first serve on openings, so that isn’t always possible. I NEVER ask him to go do things, as he and I both know I can’t afford to do that as often as he wants to go do things and he tells me frequently along the lines of “I have money now(that he has his most recent job and makes good money) so I can afford to pay for us to go do things.” He is fully aware that I can’t pay and has acknowledged it, but as said in the comments, I think I’m just wearing out my welcome and he’s growing tired of it, which by all means I understand.
Just say “no”.