I 34m and my girlfriend 45f are planning on going out of town for Valentine’s Day. I am normally scheduled to have my kids every other weekends, but can have them basically any time I want (per my divorce decree) so here is the issue:
My ex wife 31f, is freaking out because of the trip. She claims that I don’t spend enough time with my children, even though I work 3rd shift, 12 hours. I have had this kind of schedule for most of my adult life. Every couple of months I have mandatory overtime on the weekends, which rotate the days. When it’s my Saturday OT days, I don’t take the kids that weekend. Getting off of work on Friday morning, having to only get a couple hours of sleep before getting the kids and then having to drive them 30 minutes back home so I can try to stay up all night, to be ready for work the next day seems ridiculous. Then getting off work Sunday morning after working overtime, to try and have them for a few hours on Sunday to take them home even earlier so they can get ready for school on Monday; while I still have to try and stay up all night again for work Monday night. Also I’m in school full time taking 4 classes, so I can advance my career.
She claims I miss a lot of events, which is partly true. This is because my job only allows 3 people off per shift, and there are very few exceptions. If three people are off, you aren’t getting ANY time off that day. I cannot help that, as I’ve had the same job for the better part of a decade. She knows this as I had this job the entire time we were married.
So now that I give her a two month notice I’m going out of town, she all but calls me a deadbeat father. I regularly have my kids when I’m scheduled to, and when I can swing it between mandatory overtime and school work.
So, AITA for taking my girlfriend out of town for Valentine’s Day, on a weekend I’d normally have my kids?
I mean do you miss a lot of events? From the mother point of view. She had to have them regardless of her work schedule
…you regularly have your kids when you are meant to…not you always have your kids when you are meant to.
And you are prioritising your gf over your kids on a weekend you are meant to have them and expecting your ex to pick up your slack…again.
Yta
You’re choosing your girlfriend over your kids, and, if they’re old enough they will definitely remember that. You miss enough of them. You can go on a couples trip on the other weekend. YTA
> am normally scheduled to have my kids every other weekends, but **can have them basically any time I want** (per my divorce decree)
This is not true at all. You cannot have your children any time you want, that is not how a custody agreement works. Especially when you are not the primary parent.
What you may have is some flexibility to work with your co-parent to create a schedule which is more beneficial to the both of you. It seems that you’ve made an acrimonious relationship with your ex and now you’re reaping what you sow.
Your kids are not meant to fit in with your lifestyle, girlfriend and schedule. You are meant to fit into theirs. YTA.
this, you keep treating your parenting time as if it were optional.
YTA…you miss your kids events and don’t have them super often, but somehow are able to get off to go out of town with a girlfriend. Priorities seem to be a bit off. If you don’t enjoy the time with your kids and would rather hang with your gf just admit it.
YTA
Pick another weekend to take a trip with your GF when you aren’t supposed to have your kids. Prioritize your kids.
Are you the asshole for choosing to go on holiday with your girlfriend, on a weekend when you’re meant to have your kids, and just assuming their mother will cancel her plans to keep them for the weekend, and pretend you’re a good dad?
Yep. Definitely.
YTA.
You’re doing an excellent job of teaching your kids that you’ll come up with any excuse to justify not having them.
>She claims that I don’t spend enough time with my children, even though I work 3rd shift, 12 hours.
She seems to be right.
>I regularly have my kids when I’m scheduled to, and when I can swing it between mandatory overtime and school work.
And you also admit you miss events. That you have to work mitigates that somewhat. It also makes it WORSE that you are choosing to go away when you could be spending time with your kids when you are meant to be taking them. A good, loving, father who wants to be involved in his kids lives would be more interested in actually spending that time with them. But you are choosing to go away.
YTA
Why is your ex expected to give up -her- holiday weekend where you’re supposed to have the kids? Why is your holiday automatically more important? YTA
You have custody of your children 52 days a year and have mandatory overtime on how many weekends – four? Six?
Every weekend you work OT that coincides with your custody is two days fewer with your kids.
The mention of Valentines Day and a new girlfriend seems to be a bit of a nod towards your ex wife maybe feeling a bit bitter about you having a love life.
Maybe she is, maybe she isn’t.
I’m more inclined to think that it’s pretty rich that you can plan Valentine’s Day in December, but you aren’t rescheduling those days you can’t see your kids, and you have time for work, school and a dating life.
You do know that even though you had this job while you were married, y’all were in and out of the same house, right?
As someone who remembers how much it sucked when my dad bailed on his weekend to have me, yeah YTA in a major way.
Be there for your kids, they should be your top priority.
YTA. It sounds like your ex has the kids 313 days a year and you have them 52, except when you have mandatory overtime weekends, which you say is every couple of months, so if that’s six times a year, and half of those fall on your weekend with the kids, that’s another six days a year you’re not with the kids. So you’re with them 46 days a year to her 319.
Now you want to skip some of your already extremely limited time with your kids to go away with a girlfriend? Which based on your custody schedule sounds like you’ll miss three weekends in a row with your kids, or 26 days in a row? Is that right?
How often are you taking time off work to go do stuff with your kids? How often when it’s not your weekend but you don’t have work are you going to watch your kids’ events (sports or whatever they’re involved in) or taking your ex up on her willingness to let you spend time with the kids during her custodial time?
You already have very limited time with your kids due to your job and schooling. Don’t limit it further for a girlfriend. Either don’t date right now or date someone who wants you to prioritize your kids. I would be disgusted if I was dating a man who only saw his kids every other weekend and he suggested skipping a weekend with his kids to go away with me.
👏👏 thank you for laying it all out like this. OP was already an AH for me, but seeing the numbers on how infrequently he sees his kids sends OP to a whole new AH level.