I (17F) have had a rocky relationship with my mom (mid 30s) since I entered my teens.
For some background, I live with my father, but see my mom often. My mom and I both struggle with mental health issues and are quite unstable when we are stressed out. She had two kids which are my half siblings (that I will not be providing too much information on) a few years ago. Me and my mom frequently argue when we see each other, usually it starts from nothing. I will give an example.
At 16, I was over at her house one day, when we got into an argument because I was fed up with the way that she had been treating me. When I told her how I felt she was taking advantage of my help, she told me I was being dramatic and when I began to have a panic attack and tried to walk away from her, she followed me, took me outside the house, screamed in my face and cursed at me, and when I tried to walk away once more she told me she’d take me back to inpatient and call the police on me if I walked away.
I constantly stop what I am doing to help my mom. My youngest sibling has even called me "Mom" multiple times because of how much time I spend with them. They refer to me as their "sister-mom".
I have tried multiple times to tell her I am tired of helping her, because she takes advantage of me by lying about where she goes when I watch my siblings, and doing something completely unnecessary (like going shopping) instead of something that will benefit her.
Despite my effort to stay away from her because of our frequent conflicts, It’s hard because of how much I care and empathize for her, and because practically no one else helps her at this point for the same reason that I do not want to help her now.
I want to tell her that I am done helping her because she doesn’t see the things I do for her, and takes advantage of my will to help. But she always goes on about how nobody helps her. She thinks I am ungrateful also, but all I want is for her to genuinely get better and take the time that I give her to work on herself.
I also want to say that despite the fact that this post can seem to be painting my mother in a bad light, I care for her and although I am frustrated with her, I want nothing but the best for her and I just want us both to be better. She is not a bad person.
If I stop helping her, AITA?
NTA. You’re just getting tired of your mom taking advantage of you, and since she always goes on about how nobody helps her, she is most likely guilt tripping you
ESH. Not helping her will only make things worse with her. Is she a single mom or does she have a partner?
Establish boundaries, get your dad to help you. If it gets too much, stop visiting for a while. But also remember: at 17, the curtain pulls back somewhat. You slowly stop being a child without responsibilities and are expected to help out more in the household. With that comes a bit more freedom too, but you also don’t know what you don’t know yet. You don’t get to judge what she is doing as unnecessary or not, just as she shouldn’t be yelling at you. She will get better when she wants to and there’s very little you can do about it.
My mother is a full grown woman, she has taken advantage of not only me but both my immediate family members and my father. We have all been helping her for years and only now does no one want to anymore because of her behavior. As for responsibilities, I have been doing household chores since I was fairly young as it is normal in most households. I have no issue helping around the house, I frequently come over solely to help her.
She has been struggling with her mental health for years and is ignorant to the fact that it is putting pressure on me and my siblings, as well as my family. Not to say that she is not struggling enough herself. I am aware of that. However she has shown many times that she does not truly want help. It is difficult to be in a situation where someone who is so close to you is mentally unstable and self destructive and does not want to get better.
I’m a mom to kids of a similar age (16 and 19)
When/if they come to me about their feelings my first instinct is to hear them out… NOT shut them down. This is in part to me actively avoiding the mistakes my parents (Boomers) made with me my whole life
I am sorry. You deserved to be actively heard regardless of whatever her self-involved position may be. Sorry so much.
NTA but I want to give you another prospective. What if you aren’t actually helping her? You’re enabling her and that’s different.
You’re putting yourself between her and the possibility to be a better person, giving her what she wants, but not what she needs, the space to be uncomfortable, to sink or swim. Think of this as an addiction and you’re providing her the drugs.
Thank you for your input, I agree with this. I believe she sees me as a way to do whatever she wants because she knows I’ll be there for her. I just hope you understand that it is hard for me to not be there for her because of how much she struggles. That doesn’t mean I’m going to continue to let her use me
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not judging you, I’m only a little bit older (a lot older!) and been there, done that.
I know exactly how you feel, cause I felt it too.
I only telling you how it will end, if you will continue on this path. You will lose yourself and she will not find herself in the meantime, you will lose everything, without gaining anything in return. Be selfish on this, cause it will save your life and maybe hers too, in the process.
I think the comment that mentions you may actually not be helping as it’s enabling her is correct. I take it a step further by saying you are not helping either of you. Try looking at it from the angle of maybe you could use some of that time to also be working on you too (you mentioned you were struggling). Especially as you feel that you are trying to help your mum so she can work on herself, but isn’t. Then don’t keep wasting it, and you use it instead. I’m sure that would actually be helpful to you both