Hi, I’m honestly a mess over this and I need outside opinions.
I (F, early 20s) have been best friends with another girl (also early 20s) for years. We always said we were basically family and that “boys come and go, best friends stay.”
A few months ago she got her first serious boyfriend, and since then everything feels off. I slowly started feeling pushed aside.
Her boyfriend makes me really uncomfortable. He rolls his eyes at me, gets irritated or jealous over small things, and I constantly feel like I have to watch what I say. Even normal jokes have caused problems because he felt insecure afterwards. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around him.
What hurts the most is that whenever something happens, my friend automatically takes his side even when she later admits I didn’t actually do anything wrong. She says she does this to avoid conflict with him, but it leaves me feeling completely unheard.
On top of that, I found out (not from her directly) that he cheated on her with his ex. When I asked her about it, she didn’t tell me the full story and mostly defended him. That really hurt, because honesty has always been the foundation of our friendship.
Eventually I hit a breaking point and sent her a long message explaining how unsafe and hurt I felt. I also told her that her boyfriend isn’t welcome in my home anymore because the situation became too heavy for me. She apologized, but her messages felt very empty a lot of “sorry” and “I’ll do better,” without really addressing what I was saying.
She keeps wanting to talk things out and hopes that one day things can be fun again between me and her boyfriend, which I honestly don’t see happening.
When she asked to meet, I said I wasn’t sure I had the energy, because I don’t feel like anything would change. She says she wants to try, but doesn’t know what I need and is scared of doing the wrong thing.
I told her honestly that this whole situation is too much for me. I don’t want a friendship where I constantly have to adapt or make myself smaller for someone else’s comfort. I said that if she chooses to stay in this relationship as it is now, I need to take distance to protect myself. I also told her I could only be fully present like before if she wasn’t in this relationship anymore. This wasn’t meant as an ultimatum, just me being honest about my limits.
Now I feel incredibly guilty. She says she loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, but her actions don’t match her words, and she keeps choosing her relationship.
So… AITA for distancing myself and setting this boundary, even if it might cost me my best friend?
NTA. You do need to take care of yourself and you dont need to force yourself to to be around her boyfriend if you dont get along.
I had to do similar when I was young. I wish I could have been there for her more but she knew her relationship was bad (and also involved cheating), I knew it was bad and talking about it without her ever resolving it was ruining my own mental health.
This gives me peace of mind
**NTA**. What you are doing is setting a boundary, not issuing an ultimatum. There is an important difference, simple as that… I do not think pulling away is the best move, but perhaps talk to her abt it? She is your BF after all, and if you can not talk about these things, then IDK in what world you could call that a Best Friend…
I had situations like these with Friends I did not consider best friends, and I was still open and direct with them abt it…
Thank you for this. I agree that talking is usually the best option, and that’s exactly why this hurts so much. We have talked about it multiple times. I’ve explained how I feel, set boundaries, and tried to be open and direct. Unfortunately, nothing really changed, and I kept feeling pushed aside and less important.
That’s why I’m stepping back now. Not because I don’t care, but because continuing to talk without any real change started to hurt more than it helped.
NTA. But most of us date douchebags at some point in our lives. Pull back but this is exactly where your friendship comes in- boyfriends will come and go. Protect yourself but be there for her when this ends. You might date a turd one day too.
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NTA
You’re right to be concerned. The bf’s behaviors are almost textbook for an abuser. He’s making himself completely intolerable to get you out of her life. If you try to push through and stick around, he will find every way to demonize you and make your friend hate you. The best thing you can do is keep your distance while reminding your friend that you’re always there for her. Don’t talk poorly about him until she’s venting about him or he’ll weaponize it against you. Hopefully I’m wrong, but there’s a high chance I’m right and she will very definitely need you when she finally sees the red flags for what they are.
NTA- You are not wrong for pulling away. You are setting a healthy boundary to protect yourself from a toxic dynamic.
Your friend is choosing to prioritize avoiding conflict with her controlling boyfriend (who cheats and makes you feel unsafe) over your well-being. When she automatically sides with him, she is essentially choosing him over the safety of your friendship.
You stated your limits, not an ultimatum. A friendship that requires you to “walk on eggshells” is not a friendship worth sacrificing your mental health for. Do not feel guilty for protecting your peace.
I think many people have been in a similar situation. It’s difficult when a friend is suddenly splitting their time between you and someone else they care about. It’s even more difficult when you start feeling like every hangout has to involve the new beau. Your friend sounds like a bit of a people pleaser and also sounds like she’s been “conditioned” slightly by the new bf. Also sounds like shes a little embarrased about the situation and is falling into the sunk cost fallacy and is feeling like she really needs to make this work to save face. That said, you have given her a “it’s him or me” type ultimatum even if that was not your intention.
For the question you’ve asked I’ll have to say NAH (maybe with the exception of the new bf). I would advise suggesting a “girlie night” for just the two of you on a weekly basis. Doesn’t have to be the same night every week but it should be a weekly thing with just you. Also, no bashing the bf unless she starts it. This way you get to distance yourself from the bf whilst also keeping the friendship in some form. It sounds like your friend is going to need you
NTA, but are they handcuffed together? If the boyfriend is the problem, can you not just hang out with just her alone?
If she’s so codependent that she never wants to go anywhere without him (or, more concerningly, if he won’t *let* her go anywhere without him), then your boundary makes sense, but it seems like the problem is the boyfriend himself, not how she acts independently of him.
If you want to set a boundary without abandoning the friendship (which it sounds like you do), tell her you’ll only do hang outs without the boyfriend. That puts the ball in her court, and she can either choose to maintain the friendship or you can wait until she learns the painful lesson that a possessive cheater is a shitty partner to have.
And when that day comes, you’ll have to decide if there is a friendship to recover.
NTA. You’re handling a difficult, painful situation very well. The manipulative boyfriend sounds like bad news. Maybe your stance will help your friend see that.
This is a complicated one. I’d say NTA but with caveats. If this friend is as important to you as you claim she is then being open and supportive to her while also setting boundaries is the right call. Don’t cut her off. Often times what people who get into these kinds of relationships need is love and support. She’s probably scared. She’s being kind of a asshole in not cutting things off with this guy and it’s negatively affecting you though and that’s where I’d advise you put up boundaries. You don’t need to interact with this guy if you don’t want to. It’s also not your responsibility to be there for her but if your not I can’t see how you were all that close to begin with.