My friend (42M) said he would drive me (38F) to the airport last Saturday morning. (He is an ex – we dated but decided we weren’t right for each other but remained friends cause we like hanging out.) We have not had much time to hang out this month due to a busy work schedule, so I thought it would be nice to at least have an hour together and grab a coffee before I go. He has ADHD (so do I) so I checked TWICE during the week if he was happy to pick me up (as he lives over the other side of town). I even offered to ask someone else if he prefers to have a sleep in. He insisted both times he was happy to come get me.
6pm Friday night he texts: ‘I may get an uber over to pick you up tomorrow morning.’ I asked why? Because he is at his work Christmas party and a few of them have decided to go out to a club later and have a big night. That he may still be over the limit in the morning so he would uber instead of drive.
I get it that he was being responsible by not driving, and I know he was trying to keep his promise to me by still showing up. But felt like i was being de-prioritised for the sake of alcohol/a big night, and i was hurt. IMO showing up in an uber, still over the limit and dog-tired is not really the same as showing up sober and present and ready to drive me himself & hang out. But also – just basic etiquette? If you are going to drive a friend to the airport, turn up sober and with enough sleep to see straight?
So I asked him – is it possible for you to go out and have fun, have a few, but not so much that you are still intoxicated in the morning – so that you could still drive me/ you are not super tired? You can still have fun without getting shitfaced right?
No, he says. Why? I ask. Because he wants to have fun, wants to bond, wants their social acceptance, and doesn’t want to say no to more drinks.
I tell him I’m kinda hurt/disappointed that he is bailing on me last minute to go out drinking.
He gets annoyed that I’m asking him to drink less and says I’m being unreasonable and that he is still keeping his promise by ubering over to pick me up. That he was still going to turn up.
(The last time he had a big night (12 drinks) he couldn’t get up until midday, he felt really ill, and his 7 year old daughter watched tv while he slept all morning, so I think I also had good reason to expect that there was a risk he wouldn’t make it or that he would show up a bit gross.) This was anxiety inducing the night before my trip and I wanted to be certain he would show up, otherwise organise another person to take me.
On the phone he then says that if he can’t get up, he will still send a car for me. I say nothing. Then he says ‘ok, look, maybe organise anothwr person just in case, and then if I’m available, I’ll still come get you.’
I say no thanks, and organise someone else. At 10:30 he texts: ‘It turns out I’m home earlier than I thought – I’m still available, do you want me to pick you up?
AITA??? Is he an unreliable friend?
I think it’s rude and annoying of him to not clearly say “I won’t be able to do the favour I promised” rather than coming at it sideways via “I might get an uber to you”.
If you promised to do something and aren’t going to do it, you should make it very clear as soon as you can so the person who is relying on you knows that need to make other plans
NTA but as an adult. Just drive yourself or uber. Heck I am Married and don’t expect my own husband to drive me to the airport. It’s inconvenient and traffic sucks.
I don’t think either of you is the AH. You are phrasing this like you’re so sad he’s bailing on spending time with you- he’s taking you to the airport as a favor- you don’t get to police his extra curriculars. I get that you are feeling like second tier- and you are! He would rather go to the party and have fun, but he also wants to be a good friend and keep his promise to you. This doesn’t make him an AH! Taking someone to the airport is a chore, a favor to a friend. Be a friend and not his mom.
It’s called you be responsible to get your own Uber or Taxi. YTA.
They were responsible and planned ahead with their friend who happily agreed to drive them.
Soft YTA.
If the priority was that you get to the airport and some time to hang, him suggesting an alternative due to a change in his social plans the evening before shouldn’t have been a massive deal. You still get to the airport and see your friend, and he is being responsible in case he’s over the limit.
The conversation devolved because I think you got a little too heavy handed with micromanaging his evening prior to being with you. The way you worded the above, it comes across as a bit…overstepping as a friend. It was kind of girlfriend expectations.
How long ago did you two break up…is it the same guy from two weeks ago?
YTA. You sound frustrating.
He’s not an arsehole if he completes his agreed duty – to get you to the airport, by whatever means. Uber is a compromise. That’s fine. If he doesn’t follow through with his promise then he is an arsehole. As it happened, this was not really put to the test.
I think there is some dissonance here. You expected him to drive you to the airport specifically, he understood that it was his responsibility to get you to the airport by whatever means. Ultimately, he’s the one doing the favour so his terms trump yours imo. Nothing wrong with him wanting to drink at his Christmas Party.
If pushed I would say YTA because you seem a bit controlling
You’re fucking 38? Grow up. He still was going to get you there and you’re almost 40 and can’t order an Uber for yourself? He wants to have fun and you’re trying to mother your friend by saying not drink as much? Hell I’d be like have fun I’ll just uber. He’s so lucky it didn’t work out with you, you probably complained about everything
How is he an unreliable friend? He was willing to Uber to the airport, pick you up, and Uber you home.
Yes, YTA. In fact, you’re the AH for asking your friend who lives on the other side of town to do an airport pickup in the first place.
If when you asked if he were sure if it was ok, and he told you it actually wasn’t, I get the impression you’d react the same. If when you first asked him, if he said no, I get the impression you’d react the same.
The fact he even felt the need to warn you he might be coming in an Uber instead of driving tells me that there’s history here. He had guaranteed you transportation home no matter what. It’s just not the way you might want it which says this has nothing to do with the ride. You want something from him that you aren’t communicating and are pretending to both him, and maybe even yourself, that this is about a ride.
Yta. An unreliable friend would not be offering to pay for an uber to take you to the airport when they realized that a work event has affected the original plan. They would tell you that you were on your own for getting to the airport. Yes it’s frustrating that he didn’t realize sooner this Christmas party would involve a lot of drinking but besides that this guy sounds like a pretty great friend considering he was first willing to take his time and gas to drive you to the airport and was then willing to use his personal money to pay to get you there if he could no longer drive himself.
YTA. He was prepared to keep his word, which was a) getting you to the airport with no expense to yourself and b) spending the ride to the airport with you. He was being responsible by not driving while potentially over the limit. You chose to micromanage his activities the night before instead.
Let’s be real and cu through the bs. You’re hurt that he broke up with you because his separated wife wanted to get back together and the only way that would be possible is by him returning to monogamy, and that’s what he’s chosen to do. You’re upset and sad because he once again chose someone else over you. In general I don’t believe you can be brings with your ex, but I especially don’t believe you can be friends with your ex of 9 months that you’re still in love with. So do yourself a favor and cut the friendship, because I guarantee when he gets fully back with his wife she’s gonna have him cut you the fuck off anyway.
YTA for trying to control someone else’s actions and because you’re choosing to maintain this friendship to continue to have access to this man (knowing you deep down don’t want a friendship). Also why didn’t you just ask the person you’re in a marriage with to take you to the airport????????
YTA – He was still doing you a massive favor by ordering and presumably paying for your Uber. You asked him to help you get to the airport and that would still be done successfully by him getting you an Uber. You’re being dramatic for no reason and sound entitled.
To me this reads as there are some unresolved feelings here and you’re trying to use this to try and grasp for attention from an ex (positive or negative)