So for some background, I’m (15m) a trans male, who came out about two years ago. I’m very open about my identity, and have told most of my close family, excluding my mother (she’s a tad bit of a conservative conspiracy theorist). A lot of my less close family has already found out simply because dad calls me by my new name and pronouns. I’m fine with them knowing, as most are supportive. My close siblings are warming up to my new identity, it wasn’t much of a struggle for my outer family, and my friends have defaulted to it. My dad is fully supportive and calls me by my new name and pronouns. The only issue is that sometimes he’ll insist on referring to me as my deadname, like when talking to old friends or doctors, even if it’d be easy to just tell them I’m trans, or even if they insist that they can call me by my preferred name. He says it’s because it can be confusing. I get it, and I try not to push if using my deadname is necessary.
I have two nieces and a nephew, all children of my eldest half-sibling, we’ll call him N. Now N grew up much differently than I did. Before I came along, the most influential queer person in dad’s life was my older half-sister, S, who is a lesbian, and came out later in life. So dad was pretty neutral on politics (meaning he didn’t look into the problems of the world and only worried about what was happening in his own world) and let their mom teach their politics. And their mom was traditional. Now N is conservative. I couldn’t care less what N does in his own household. My siblings and I used to visit at least once a year (they live a long way’s away), and I’d always enjoyed babysitting her, and she always enjoyed being around me. I’d like to see her again, but here’s where my identity comes into play; I know my family, and I know that this is gonna become some big thing if I express it directly to them. I talked to my dad about this, when he mentioned seeing them over Christmas break. About how I would love to see my niece, but am concerned about the name-change. If it were up to me, I’d just go up to her and say, “I was a girl, and now I’m a boy! And this is my new name;” and answer whatever questions she might have without ever mentioning anything even remotely inappropriate. But it isn’t up to me, it’s up to her parents. People don’t take me seriously and call me it though I’ve told them it’s not my name anymore, people have scoured through our school’s websites to see if they can find it, and I’m sick of it. And I don’t wanna have to go back to pretending I’m that person again to see my niece, but I also don’t wanna cut her out of my life for something like this. My dad says it’s best to go back to the closet next time I visit, and that it’s not a big deal, that it’d be confusing for her. I’m conflicted, because I feel like an asshole for being stubborn about not being referred to like that, but I also hate having to conform and pretend I’m that girl again.
INFO: Has your half-brother asked you to stay in the closet when talking to his family? Have they told you that you are not allowed to be openly trans with them?
No, but I know the second I ask, he’s gonna start confronting my parents rather than me about it, and I don’t wanna deal with a whole family drama about my gender issues again.
I had a conversation with my dad, and he told me it’s best to not bring it up and just pretend to be a girl again. If I were to, I’d directly talk to N about it, but I’m not sure if I should bring it up at all, as it may just be best to pretend I’m a girl just while I’m staying with my niece.
NTA. People do change names all the time and it’s not just for gender changes. Parents often change their baby’s name in the first few years. Foreigners/ immigrants often adopt a name that fits in better. It’s your right to express how you’d like to be referred to, as long as it’s not obscene or offensive.
NTA. Be true to yourself. Just be honest with N. If he accepts it, then the two of you can agree on how to discuss it with your niece (BTW… how old is your niece). If N doesn’t accept you, then at least you know and can avoid these get-togethers in the future.
NTA, you deserve to have you name and pronouns respected and no one should ever ask you to “go back in the closet.”
Some other important things you should try to internalize:
\- You don’t have to place the comfort of others over your own, even if they’re family
\- You don’t have to socialize with people who don’t accept you for who you are
\- If your gender causes a whole family drama (as you mentioned in the comments) that’s because your family is dramatic, not because you’re a boy. Your gender has no effect on them whatsoever; if they choose to get riled up about it, that’s their own decision.
As an uncle, you’re also a role model for your niece. You can be an example of hiding who you are and treating yourself like a doormat, or an example of being proud of yourself and not tolerating ill treatment from others.
All that being said: you’re young, and if it’s more important to you to keep the peace over the holiday this year, that’s ok too. This kind of decision is a lot to take on, and you shouldn’t feel like an asshole no matter how you choose to handle it.
As a teen he may not have agency not to be around the assholes.
You haven’t given the age of the children, but have you considered that the child/children will not want to call you anything but the name you were given at birth? Depending on the age, but kids can be stubborn little buggers. And how will you feel if they want to carry on calling you by the birth name?
NTA. Send an email to ALL your family telling them you trans and your new name and that you will NEVER respond to your old name. No exeptions. The ones worth having in your life will be fine with it. Those that have a problem? Forget them and pretend they dont exist.
NAH
Yet.
It sounds like there’s probably going to be drama if you talk to your brother about this.
But there’s DEFINITELY going to be drama if you avoid talking to the parents of a child prior to telling your niece in the middle of a family gathering that you are now a boy, and go by ~newname~.
It sounds like your father is trying to prevent the kind of drama you don’t want, but the only way to avoid that drama appears to be for you to be someone you’re not.
And it’s very reasonable that you find that an incredibly uncomfortable idea.
My strong recommendation is that you look at your available options, and do not choose the one that puts your conversation with a child as the moment the drama starts…
Can you tell N, “I’m actually not going by X anymore. Please call me Y”?
NTA whichever you decide, and I don’t think your dad is TA either, though he could be if he pushes back harder – he can give advice but it should be your decision if you talk to your sibling.
I’ve pretended to be a lot of things around people who would be incapable of relating to me if I “othered” myself. It really comes down to if the family fight is going to be more painful than the family ignorance. For me, until I have a family to defend, I’d rather be accepted for part of me then rejected for all of me. But for you it might not be. As annoying as I find it to be misgendered a few times a year, these people are just not worth the extra work it would take to convince them to be polite.