I (32M) have been friends with “Mark” (33M) for over a decade. We are not inseparable, but we’ve been solid friends since college. When he got engaged, I was happy for him and congratulated him right away.
A few months ago, Mark told me he was planning a bachelor trip with “the guys” and asked if I was in. I said yes and assumed it would be a typical weekend away. No details yet, just that it would be “a good time.”
Recently, the group chat got active with actual plans. That’s when things started to feel off. Everyone else in the group had clearly already discussed the itinerary in a separate chat. The location, activities, and even room assignments were already decided before I was added.
Then the costs were posted. I noticed I was being asked to split the total evenly, including activities I was not interested in and accommodations I did not get a say in. When I asked if we could talk about options or at least adjust the split, Mark said it would “complicate things” and that it was easier if everyone just paid the same.
What bothered me most was that I later found out I wasn’t even originally on the guest list. Another friend dropped out, and Mark added me afterward so the cost per person wouldn’t go up for everyone else.
I told Mark I wasn’t comfortable going under those circumstances and would bow out. He got upset and accused me of making the trip about money and not supporting him. A few other guys messaged me saying I was being cheap and should just pay up for the experience.
I can afford it, but it feels wrong to be invited primarily to subsidize a trip I had no role in planning.
AITA for refusing to go?
Nta, I would have dropped out too they only invited u so u can help them pay
NTA What an awful feeling for you. I would not go either.
They planned and created an itinerary without you. You were added as an after thought and owe them nothing.
They wanted you for your monetary contribution, not because they actually wanted you there it sounds like. NTA.
NTA
You’d be losing that friend group, but I think you can afford that as well.
NTA. Mark’s the one who made it all about money by inviting you just to defray costs for the group. He doesn’t deserve your support under the circumstances.
NTA.
Hell no – no one likes being treated as second best and the fact you are being gaslighted as “not supporting him” is manipulative.
Your feelings are valid, if you don’t like it, then don’t go. Why should you have to be considerate for those who are not the same towards you? Especially when they didn’t consider you originally when making the plans.
You’re not a back-up and friends wouldn’t treat you as such. This deal only benefits them and it is a breeding ground for resentment.
NTA – were you asked to be in the wedding party or even invited to the wedding? If not, do you know if the rest of the guys in the bachelor party are groomsmen? If they are you know what they are using you for
NTA. Mark should have been up front and told you he had a limited amount of people he could invite and asked you if you wanted to go as he had someone drop off and then been honest that the planning and whatnot had been done. That would have allowed you to decide if you wanted to go on a trip that was planned with none of your input. I’m pretty sure you’re being guilt tripped with them saying you’re being cheap, unsupportive, etc. it’s truly cheap to invite someone on a trip for the sole purpose of keeping costs down. Don’t go if you’re feeling weird, you probably won’t have fun. Go if you think you’ll enjoy it. You were an afterthought so you don’t owe anyone anything and they can fuss at the original drop out about being unsupportive cheap etc. like why os he getting a pass?
NTA – dude made it about money by trying to lower the cost per person. His other friends thought it was fool proof and now are upset they have to pay more for their perfect bromance
NTA I wouldn’t go as a replacement either
NTA. Mark apparently didn’t care about you being there to celebrate his “important milestone” until he needed a backfill after the other guy dropped out. And the part where you’re supposed to just step in and pay for a bunch of activities you have no interest in and which were chosen by the rest of the group before you were invited makes it even worse. And the fact Mark has gone on the attack (and allowed “the guys” to join in on that) rather than even give you a halfassed apology makes it worse still.
It’s a really hurtful way to be treated by someone you considered a friend. I’m sorry.
NTA – Its not about the money though but your “friend” is the one making it about money.
Also you refer to him as your friend but are you even his?
“You didn’t care about my support until you needed someone to keep costs down.”
I would just respond with the truth
“Why you so upset? I was only invited when somebody else dropped out so that I could help pay the costs. It’s not like inviting me was really about extending an experience especially when I said it wasn’t interested in all of the activities and you said I should just sort of roll with what everyone else chose. And now it seems that you’re upset at me because I’m not interested in those activities enough to give you that savings and bring the cost back down. It’s pretty obvious to me. You’re more upset about the price you guys are going to have to pay then whether or not I’m there—especially since I wasn’t even originally invited”
I tend to be more wordy and pointed when I’m arguing with family and friends, but I have also found that it gets everything in the open and at least everyone’s clear
NTA. You’re the B-list person, only invited to bring the costs down for the cheapskate A-listers. Sounds like you and Mark aren’t as close as you thought you were. That always stings, but going on this trip isn’t going to make you closer, so if you’re not in the wedding party, hold your boundary and let your “no” stand