I (36 f) have a sister (33) and a brother (30). We are all married and have 6 kids with one more on the way. My parents got divorced when I was 18, my sister was 14, and brother was 12. Shortly after both parents got remarried. My mom’s husband has a son (27) and daughter (29). We did not grow up together. I moved out shortly before they were married and brother lived with my dad. They would come stay sometimes with their dad in the beginning but when they hit the teen years they stayed less and would just come up for the day or for dinner etc. For the first years we always had separate holidays for the most part. Fast forward to the last few years, my step sister who now has 2 kids, insists we all have holidays together. We get along with her because we love my step dad but if it weren’t for him we would never interact. We are just very different and were raised very different. Her kids are kids not the best behaved. Which doesn’t bother me because they are kids. What does bother me and everyone else is that she YELLS constantly at them, all the while not moving off the couch. And it’s not like they stop doing what she’s getting on to them for, so someone else has to come be the bad guy and take the crayon away from the two year old that was coloring all over my moms walls. She never contributes anything to the meals but is always first in line to get her plate. All things I can usually roll my eyes about and move on. Except at Christmas. We have Christmas at my mom because she really is the only one that offers to host. I had it a few times because I had a large home with a basement, but she complained it was so far from her, (about 1.5 hour drive which would be an addition 45 from my moms). Which we moved closer to my mom’s and downsized. My mom’s house is a typical two story. The rooms are choppy and there is about 1,000 sq ft on the main level which includes a bathroom, laundry room, and small bedroom/office. To have 20 people in there opening presents in her small living room is too much. The solution we came up with is to have two separate one with my moms kids and one with his kids. It’s still crowded, but I want to spend the time with my nieces and nephew’s and siblings. We do Easter, Fourth of July, thanksgiving all with them. Is it so much to ask for 1 day with just my family?
Info – where the conflict?
Who wants everyone together, is it just your step sister?
Or what abiut your mom and step-dad, what do they want?
My step sister wants it all together. My mom wants to split it and my step dad just wants everyone to be happy.
Mom and step-dads house. They get to decide. Step dad doesn’t care, so mom makes the call.
I’d say NTA, you have legitimate reasons for what you want, you don’t see her as family so you want a more intimate celebration. That’s fine.
And she’s got to concede to the host. She doesn’t have to like it, but her dad can put up a fight if that’s what she wants. If he’s not going to advocate for it, then it mustn’t be that important.
NTA based on extra info.
~~YTA: Forcing your mom and stepdad to host two separate Christmas events because you don’t want to be around his kids/grandkids is really assholish. You don’t need to go if you don’t want to, but demanding an entirely separate event is kind of entitled.~~
Not just me my mom and all of her kids want it separate. My step dad just wants everyone to be happy.
That is quite different. In that case, the situation doesn’t really have anything to do with you. All you need to do is just show up to the event you were invited to.
Your mother is the host and she is allowed to invite whoever she wishes. The stepsister will need to accept that.
Nta, but I’m curious- why is she insisting on combining the 2?
She says she likes spending time with us. But doesn’t hardly speak to us. I think she is a little jealous of the relationship we all have with her dad. But that’s just my feeling. My mom has tried everything to nicely say no but she has an answer for everything. I’ll add she’s not shy or just a quiet person. She is very loud and is on the phone a lot. Which is why I have a hard time believing she wants to spend time with us. Like a thanksgiving she had her phone out at the table watching football then got a phone call while eating. Her dad made her get up and go outside.
NTA, but I wouldn’t force two Christmases. Simply don’t go. Do Christmas Eve (or a different day) with your mom, step dad, husband and kids. Have your siblings to your house or theirs separately so you’re not intentionally excluding her.
You only get so many holidays while your children are young, and at the end of the day the family you create is more important than the one you come from.
NTA. Mom can have two separate Christmas celebrations since she would prefer them to be separate.
Since Stepdad just wants everyone to be happy, mom should remind him (with some strong nudging) that he needs to step up and remind his daughter that she needs to get her lazy butt up off the couch and be a parent when her kids are misbehaving. She needs to do that every time with his kids.
NTA. Christmas isn’t the time to force togetherness at the expense of everyone’s comfort.