I (26M) have a best friend (26M) who is like a brother that I’ve been friends with for over 10 years. I recently got a message from him saying our friendship is on the edge of going downhill if I don’t start showing up to events I’ve been invited too. There were two events I didn’t show up to this year because one I was sick and the other I had forgotten about the invite I was given a couple weeks before which was my fault for forgetting but my spouse had a friend that needed help with moving some heavy things the same day as the event. Here is a message I had gotten summarized
“I want to be honest about something that’s been weighing on me. To keep our relationship strong, You need to show up more to things we invite you to or suggest alternatives. We’ve tried making plans before, and it’s felt one sided at times. I love spending time with you and believe you care too, but it needs to be shown more consistently. There are no hard feelings right now, and this isn’t a big deal yet but it will be if this continues.”
I was instantly mad because I was told “You need to show up when invited” as if I were a child being told by a parent. I am a grown adult and can do as I please. I don’t understand where the one sided feeling is coming from because I put in an equal amount of effort when we do something together. It was also acknowledged that I was sick for one of the events and couldn’t make it but was still used against me. It was only two events I’ve missed this year when there have been PLENTY of times I had given an invite to hang out that were turned down and had never gotten mad about. Also when we do hang out it feels like there is a time limit with him and his spouse.
This is something new that has never been brought up or ever mentioned all the years we’ve been friends about “needing” to show up as if I’ve consistently missed or disregarded events or wanting to hang out. So tell me Reddit am I the asshole?
YTA for clearly ignoring the part where he says “or suggest alternatives. We’ve tried making plans before, and it’s felt one sided at times.” Are you upset about your hang out times feeling rushed, so you don’t invite him/them round? Have you not been taking the opportunity to initiate hang outs? Seems you’d rather get mad now then bolster your friendship.
OP mentions that
>It was only two events I’ve missed this year when there have been PLENTY of times I had given an invite to hang out that were turned down and had never gotten mad about.
So OP is inviting this guy/his spouse around.
NTA
Your friend needs to grow the hell up. Sometimes people can’t hang. Sometimes people forget. What is the big deal here?? Is this person inviting you, you’re saying yes, they’re cooking some elaborate meal, and you’re just not showing up??? I’m confused as to why this is such a big deal.
Said yes to the first missed event but didn’t go because I was legitimately sick. Never confirmed I was going and nothing “special” about the second event missed just a missed opportunity to hang out. I myself don’t understand why this is suddenly such a big deal to possibly lose a friendship over if it’s been two events missed in our 10+ year friendship.
Yeah, your friend is being weirdly emotional about this. Tell him to quit being a baby
If you are sick ok, but just forgetting? So you didn’t even cancel? That’s not cool. I would be mad too.
Questions – because I think it depends on what type of events you missed. Were these two events just casual get togethers that several people attended. Or were they planned get togethers for just you and your friend. And hand the friend gone to extra trouble for the events – e.g. bought concert tickets, made dinner reservations or reserved time at their tennis or golf club?
If they were casual get togethers attended by several people, then I think your friend isn’t an AH, but a little out of line. If they were specific dates and plans for just the two of you or two couples and you bailed last minute, then I get where your friend is coming from.
All of this assumes you didn’t just not show up. You did call and let whoever was host that you couldn’t make it, I assume.
They were casual events for just us two and our spouses. The first did have some money involved about 50 dollars but I couldn’t go due to being sick which I did feel bad for not being able to go. Second was an event for them for their small business where we were invited to join (farmers market type of event) which is the one I forgot about the invite, never confirmed I would go and the day of I let them know I wouldn’t be able to make it.
NAH. You are both adults. Your friend discretely let you know how your behavior is affecting him. Do a little introspection and figure out if you want to maintain this relationship and then adjust your behavior, if so. If something in his message upset you and you can’t get over it, then respectfully let him know; just like he let you know.
I did respond and respectfully told him my side and there seems to be resolve. It was a respectful conversation, But we’ll see how this goes in the future.
NTA. If this issue has been weighing on your friend, it should be handled in a face-to-face conversation, not through text.
If you respond to your friend’s message, it should be that the two of you need to get together and talk (your choice if you have the SOs there). When you two chat, have an honest conversation with each other about why he feels you need to show up more, and he needs to list all the issues. When he lists them, **just listen**, don’t react. Acknowledge the times you forgot and why he mentions the times you were sick (if he mentions those times).
After he’s aired his issues, you can calmly air yours. If he cuts you off, let him know you sat quietly and listened while he spoke, it’s his turn to show you that same courtesy.
Be prepared that the friendship is over. Honestly, that message reads as though your friend is trying to break up with you, without breaking up with you.
INFO There is some context missing here – you make it sound like when you hang out with this guy and his spouse there is a ‘time limit’ – do you mean its like they can’t wait to leave the whole time? The event your forgot about – was it a double date kind of thing where they went to effort and you just didn’t show up, or was it a general gathering of lots of people? Were they hosting it?
You have invited him to things that he couldn’t make it to – does he then say something like ‘can’t make it tuesday, how about thursday?’ or something like that, or does he just say no can’t come and that’s it?
Do your spouses get along – wouldn’t be the first time spouses didn’t like each other and the friends relationship became strained.
You are not an AH for not being able to make every single thing you are invited to – but more context is needed here.
I actually thought that was a beautiful message…thoughtful, got his point across very calmly…and I loved the ending ‘it’s NBD but it will be…’
Your friend is telling you what he needs. Hear it.
And I’m sorry but forgetting to respond and not acknowledging it at all is not something you do to a friend.
YTA