Ive been friends with “Kate” for many years. We’re both autistic, so we tend to be very direct with each other and understand things like needing space, being blunt, and occasionally pulling back socially.
About five years ago or so, Kate had a big falling out with our shared friend group, her roommate, and her boyfriend at the time. She completely cut contact with them, and they no longer speak to her. I still have occasional contact with them. I might get a text or an invite to a holiday party or life event one to three times a year. Once in a while I’ll hang out with them, but often I don’t, because even though I crave connection, I also get socially overwhelmed due to my autism.
Recently, I was invited to that friend group’s Christmas party, but I ended up not going because I wasn’t feeling well. Earlier that same day, Kate ran into her ex at a coffee shop. He mentioned the party, and later Kate asked me about it. I told her I had been invited and might attend, but I wasn’t sure.
Kate got upset that I hadn’t told her about the invitation ahead of time. I explained that in the past she’s had angry reactions when I mention contact with them, and I didn’t want to stress her out or create conflict. She said I should have told her so she could decide how she whether she still wants to be friends with me. She believes that me talking to or spending time with people who hurt her shows that I don’t care about her and that I value partying, drinking, and casual friendships more than her. She states she’s not telling me who I can or can’t hang out with, but it kind of feels like she is???
AITHA here??
I can struggle with understanding healthy communication or friendships because of my autism, so I’m looking for honest and blunt feedback here…even if it’s telling me I’m the A-hole.
NTA at all, and your friend is definitely overstepping. You have your own life, separate from hers, and can have your own friends, parties, etc. She sounds like she is overstepping due to your closeness, and she sounds possessive.
Also saying that she might decide not to be friends with you after this and guilt tripping you about ‘not caring about her’ is quite the escalation from being invited to a party. I would have a hard time feeling safe and secure in that friendship, and would be walking on eggshells after this (please gain some autonomy)
I know people like this. Their perspective is *”If you would associate with a person who could “do this thing to me” then you clearly condone them behaving in that way. That makes you a bad person too.” The problem is when it extends to “friend of a friend” situations and soon nobody can socialize with anyone.
NTA she’s being way too demanding. What’s next, you have to start telling her about **any** plans you make with people in case she has an opinion about them?
You’re your own person, and allowed to form your own relationships. You don’t have to disown someone just because another friend did.
NTA
You aren’t responsible for telling Kate about anything/everything that happens in your life. Would she also expect you to tell her anytime a coworker, or family member, or other friends of yours that she doesn’t know invite you to a party or gathering? Or just *this particular* group of people that she doesn’t get along with?
It’s unreasonable for her to have this expectation of you, and it’s also fairly unreasonable of her to say she’d rethink your friendship together based on who your other friends are and/or what you do with those friends.
I’ll offer you a script – *Kate, I enjoy and appreciate our friendship. I like spending time with you and consider you to be one of my closest, most trusted friends, and I don’t want that to change. However, I’m uncomfortable with the thought that you want me to tell you about any contact I have with* [friend group]. *I understand that you aren’t friends with any of them, but I am, and even though I only see and talk to that group once or twice a year, I’m not willing to stop all contact with them just because you* [dislike them, are uncomfortable around them, aren’t friends with them – whatever fits best here]. *I don’t want to lose you as a friend, you’re important to me, so I really hope you’re able to understand and accept my feelings.*
INFO: what made her cut them off?
It kind of depends on the nature of falling out. Was it a petty argument, *or* did they seriously wrong her in some way? Because then \*not picking a side\* is, in fact, picking a side.
She, can’t tell you who to talk to indeed, but she is making a clear boundary of what she’ll do if so. It’s up to you to decide if she is out of line.
Yea, if this is like her roommate and boyfriend slept together and everyone else told her to “get over it,” then OP hanging out with them is definitely saying “I’m okay with people who hurt Kate like this.”
If it’s an argument about which way the toilet paper goes…
I feel like I need more info here. What was the falling it about? Because if it was something like her brochures cheating in her with someone from the friend group, then I get how your friend feels.
In this case, they betrayed her. You hanging out and being friends with people who betrayed her, might feel like it’s own betrayal.
I know that if this was the case with me, I’d feel upset with my friends.
But if it was a disagreement where your friend might’ve been in the wrong. Or both parties were right/wrong in their own way, then that’s a different case. In this case it feels like she’s dictating who you can be friends with.
Ultimately, you have to decide which connections feel important enough for you to keep no matter what, and which connections you’d feel okay giving up on.
NTA but as a rule of thumb, it’s not good to mention parties you’re invited to just in case the other person wasn’t invited.
I grew up with this as common knowledge; it’s really shocking to find out that it isn’t for so many people!
NTA
INFO: What was the falling out about?
How many friends were in this group that she cut contact with?
INFO: what did they do? Were they in the wrong?