(I’m not fluent in English so I’m sorry for any mistakes)
I have a friend group with four other friends. We’re all in or 20s. The issue is with Sarah.
We’ve always talked about traveling somewhere when we all end college and get stable jobs. So our plan is to go to a specific country in spring. Since the beginning we said that the trip should only be between us five, no partners. This is something we’ve all agreed on and all seemed fine with it. Until now.
Sarah said last week that her boyfriend will join us. Her reasoning is that they both have made a rule among each other that they can’t travel without the other. I said no since we all have agreed that it would only be us five. She didn’t like that and said that I should have understood that he would join us since we known about this rule. But I just thought that they made an exception this time since the trip is to celebrate our studies?
Well I said no again and pointed out that he will not be going with us. She has since then been threatening to not join the trip which led to my other friends to take a step back and say it’s okay if he comes.
But the thing I don’t want him there, he’s mean and grumpy. But yeah, Sarah isn’t talking to me anymore and I wonder if I’m TA for standing my ground. I would really like for her to come, but not her boyfriend.
So, AITA for saying no when Sarah said that her boyfriend will join our friend trip?
NTA. Tell her that the group plans precede their relationship and that you won’t be comfortable if men come along on the trip. It changes the whole vibe for everyone; realistically, this will probably be the only time the 5 of you ever set aside the time to do this and you want for all of you to focus on your friendship. Even if you liked the guy and thought he was great, it would still change the dynamics of the trip. I’m guessing the “girl talk” would be limited for either fear of judgment from him or because the rest of you might not be comfortable talking about private parts of your life in front of him. The whole group should not be limited because he does not trust/want her to have fun without him. (Which let’s be honest, is probably what’s really going on.)
Speak privately to the other girls with your concerns; they should speak up with you. It’s their trip that will change if the boyfriend comes along as well. Then together you should let her know that he is not welcome. But even if the others are afraid of making her mad, if you don’t want him there (I don’t blame you ) then speak up. If she doesn’t come then that’s her choice. She will regret it later but it’s still her choice.
NTA. But she won’t come without him. If they made that rule as a couple, she will likely choose him over the friends group. If your other friends do not support you on this, they will choose either you or her with her boyfriend, depending on the bonds in the group.
NTA Tell them that you can’t force them to keep your initial agreement, but that’s what you all committed to and what you are still committed to. If the trip stops being the one you all planned then it stops being the one you have committed to. You haven’t agreed to a new, different trip with new members.
The time for Mr. Grumpy’s girlfriend to speak up was when you were planning to make this trip only the five of you. That is when she should have said that she could only go if Grumps is coming too. Trying to twist arms at the last minute isn’t on, and blaming the people who are resisting the arm twist isn’t on either.
NTA
You call him “mean and grumpy”, and that is already a huge red flag. Either Sarah has
made up the rule of not travelling alone because she has heard stories about what his friends have been up to on trips, or he has made up the rule because he is controlling and narcissistic. I would say that if the latter is true, it is extremely important to not cut Sarah out of the group. I would say, go not so far and have a cheap holiday weekend together instead. Go somewhere where you might stay together but are then free to go off in groups if anyone needs space. The big girls trip can wait for a bit. Check him out and see what the dynamic is. If Sarah needs help be there for her.
“You’ve agreed to not travel without each other? Ok, no problem, it’s a shame you’ll miss out on the trip.”
NTA. That rule is sad. But whether he comes or doesn’t, your dynamic is forever changed regardless. If you actually manage to get her to leave him home, she’ll most likely pout or be angry and cold to you. I would say just focus on your other friends.
Btw, your English is beautiful, and congrats on your graduation!
He’s going to ruin the trip either way honestly. If he doesn’t come he’s going to text her the entire time to complain and if he does come he’s going to ruin the activities ot just try to change the itinerary to something he wants to do putting his gf in a wierd spot between him and her friends. Which is why he was not invited to come at all. That’s such a dumb insecure rule
NTA. It sounds like they don’t trust each other if there’s a ‘no travelling without me’ rule. Having her boyfriend there will kill the vibe. Do you really want to spend the money on a great destination for a sub par experience? If you and your friends buckle to this demand you will end up regretting it. You hear of young couples going away on these things with friends and arguing the whole time, ruining it for every one. Not saying that will definitely happen but it’s a possibility to consider. Even if they’re a great couple who get on really well it won’t be the same as if it was just you girls. It’s super selfish and immature to expect you all to change your plans because the two of them are too insecure to be apart.
NTA. This plan was made before the boyfriend came into her life. If they are so insecure that they can’t be apart, this is not a healthy relationship. Keep the friends trip!
NTA Sarah is the one who agreed to that ridiculous rule, not the rest of you. If she wants to abide by that then she doesn’t come. She can’t force her choices onto everyone else. And having one person’s partner there will drastically change the dynamic of the group and the trip.
NTA Sarah is no longer your friend. She is her boyfriend’s partner. I’ve been in a situation where it was “I go where you go.” It was so, so exhausting. I can’t imagine the dances people had to do to accommodate us, it makes me cringe now in hindsight.
Sarah’s boyfriend is controlling her. Full stop. Hold your ground. Don’t let him go. You don’t want his grumpy butt there anyway. If it means Sarah doesn’t go, then she doesn’t go.
OP, congratulations on your graduation! And seriously, the trip will be way better without “Sarah”. Frankly, that couple sounds exhausting. Are they “newly-Mets” and can’t seem to spend time apart? If not, he sounds controlling. (I had an ex like that- glad he’s out of my life!)
The reality is this; her insecure BF won’t ALLOW her to travel without him. She CAN’T go without him.
NTA. I’d say ‘ok, he can take my place.’ and don’t go.
Hopefully she realises the red flags before it’s too late