I (27F) have been best friends with Kim (27F) for about 15 years, on and off. Our friendship has always been intense and close, but we’ve also had periods where we stopped speaking because of conflict around relationships.
Kim recently started talking to a woman, Sammy. They’d only met once briefly but had been talking for about two months. Sammy invited Kim over on Saturday night and said I could come too because she had her own friend there.
There were drinks involved at Sammy’s place, and prior me and Kim was drinking alone, so her and I was definitely not sober.
As the night went on, Kim and I started arguing. I’ll be honest, I said things I shouldn’t have said, especially in front of people I had just met. I told Sammy and her friend very personal things about Kim, including details about her past abusive relationship, that her ex is obsessed with her and might end up harming Sammy, and that she struggles to keep relationships. I also questioned whether Kim even genuinely liked Sammy or if she was forcing herself to feel something even thought she was telling me that she’s emotionally invested into Sammy.
I also made comments about Kim’s identity and past dating history in front of them, which in hindsight was inappropriate and embarrassing for her.
Kim got upset and we argued more. At one point I told her that this is probably why she can’t keep a relationship, and I compared that to myself by saying I’ve been with my partner for three years. Kim said something along the lines of “do you want a medal for staying with someone you break up with every other week?” That’s when I got angry and requested an Uber to go home.
It was around 1am and we were about 30 minutes from home. Kim was worried about me leaving alone and asked Sammy to talk to me and calm me down so I wouldn’t go. I ended up staying.
After that, things between Kim and Sammy was tense. Later in the night, Kim and Sammy went to the room together. The next morning, Sammy ended things with Kim via text after we had already left.
Kim is now devastated and says I sabotaged her relationship by:
Airing out her trauma to strangers
Undermining her in front of someone she liked
Making it seem like she’s the problem in her relationships
Crossing boundaries I should never have crossed
Looking back, I can see that alcohol and emotions definitely poured fuel on the fire. I also recognise that even if I thought I was being honest or protective, the setting and timing were completely wrong.
At the same time, I feel conflicted because this isn’t the first time I’ve felt concerned about someone Kim was seeing, and I’ve known her long enough to feel like I see patterns she doesn’t.
So AITA for saying what I said, even if I believed I was being honest, when it ended up hurting my friend and possibly costing her a relationship?
You both sound insufferable, the kind of relationship you describe I would assume from people around 14-15 years old, not 27. But in this specific instance, yeah YTA, clearly.
YTA. The excuses don’t change that. Alcohol doesn’t change that, nor does the fact that you “believed you were being honest.” You said shit you shouldn’t have and did damage. It’s time to figure out why you want to sabotage your “friend’s” relationships. The quotes are there because you’re not acting like a friend at all.
YTA and not a good friend.
a good friend would be able to express concerns without airing out trauma and personal information because they’re angry and drunk.
YTA. You are not this person’s friend. You sabotaged her relationship and are trying to blame it on alcohol. Alcohol lowers inhibitions but it doesn’t put tendencies and feelings in place that don’t otherwise exist.
YTA-I honestly don’t know that there is even much question to this. I am being honest here. Sometimes it is better to just keep your mouth shut instead of getting involved in situations like this. Also, if alcohol causes you to act like this, then you might want to stick to water. I would be pissed if I were your friend as well, and she has every right to be angry. I honestly don’t think that you are really much of a friend to her at all.
Of course, YTA but you already know this. And y’all should stop drinking excessively.
YTA. I don’t even know why you’re questioning it. Alcohol is no excuse for what you did and your lack of accountability is astounding.
YTA. How is this even a question? Which part of this entire thing, after typed out, made you believe “oh, there’s little to no way I’m the asshole here”?
YTA
>I was definitely not sober.
You seem to have a very clear memory of all that you said for someone who seems to be trying to hide behind the *I was drunk and didn’t know what I was saying* excuse.
YTA 100%. Are you sure you don’t have more feelings for each other than friendship? This is not normal friend behaviour. It’s either just toxic and you shouldn’t be together, or you like each other more than you’d admit.
YTA. If you’re concerned talk to your friend alone and sober. What you did is embarrassing and wouldn’t even be acceptable if you were among other friends let alone strangers. Alcohol isn’t an excuse to act like a total jackass and make everyone uncomfortable.
YTA – 100%
What amazes me is that you are even questioning this. Obviously you are TA. Even at the end you say “possibly costing her a relationship”. There is no possible, Sammy broke up with Kim.
Alcohol is not an excuse, don’t try and use that as a scapegoat. You massively overshared a whole lot of information that you knew looked bad for Kim. Why you did that? Well only you really know that, but you aren’t going to say it here.
You try to justify it at the end by suddenly saying you felt concerned about Sammy. But this is clearly rubbish. There is another reason you decided to sabotage this, and as above, I doubt you’re going to tell us.
But it doesn’t matter. Simply you are a bad friend. Or are you even a friend?
You say that this has happened around relationships before. As this keeps happening maybe its time that you and Kim make the adult decision and realise that you’re not actually friends and go your separate ways.
Wtf did I just read, yes YTA. Can’t believe you even have to ask. Also don’t dish it if you can’t take it.
You know YTA. You know you fked up bad. You know you need to learn how to shut that mouth and drink a lot less. You know you need to apologise. You know you need to sit the fk down.