AITA? – I 19 (F) have been living with my older brother 20(M). Our father had prostate cancer during COVID and is now cured but still has health issues and needs ongoing care,for the past 5 years, my brother has taken on that role to be the primary caretaker for him.
Our older sister works and has gained senior cqre for our dad, always offering help: for groceries, domestic tasks, nurses, checkups, emotional support and even appointments. keep in mind this is taking place in France aswell!
Despite all of this my brother constantly refuses for help and claims he can juggle it all.
Which i believed at first – until overtime, I’ve grown to be less trusting because his words never matched his actions.
During my visits or temporary stays, i noticed that if i don’t personally check on my father throughout the day, my brother won’t at all. He doesn’t ask if our father has eaten, he ignores dad asking to eat,when our father asks for him or comes up the stairs to see him, he sleeps in and doesn’t even help with basic care unless our sister steps in. I’ve been the one to notice medical emergencies – blood in urine, vomiting and surgical complications my father put himself through during and after his cancer and I’m always the one calling my sister or the hospital for help, my brother brushes it off or never bothers to check.
My sister is also suspicious of him financially, he has been caught withdrawing our father’s money without reasonable cause and spends a ridiculous amount of money on pastries or items we actually don’t need, including alcohol. Our father rarely eats the pastries leaving them to rot for flies. He claims and i repeat what i heard from him that he makes those purchases for me and dad except i already explained for years that the very exact pastries he buys are the same that make me sick and that dad already has what he needs provided by the services by sister bought.
Ontop of that the house itself is filthy unless i clean behind the two of them when the cleaning lady is out of commission, he doesn’t throw away the trash and lets it pile up, leaves dishes in the sink and even dad’s dishes everywhere instead of emptying them out then claims i waste food. Half of the time there’s yogurt pots left behind in the house by dad for insects to come feasting on but when he passes by them, he ignores it and doesn’t clean.
There’s been numerous times where there was no food in the house because he does small groceries and buys unnecessary items. When i informed my mother as to vent about it, he lied to her and said the opposite, that i could use my dad’s packed food to munch on when my sister clearly had paid for those specifically for him.
This led to me keeping track of everything around the house, recording what i use, buy, ect because i just can’t trust him,we all tried to support him, my mother, sister and even myself, motivate him to get a job but he just wouldn’t even when it came to improving his mental health or move out.
Another little note i have to add to further underline the situation because there is a limit of 3,000 words for me.
It got so bad that one day after days and no warnings for his ghosting that my mother was worried for his safety, she called the firefighters asking for their help to check on him and once they arrived, he ignored them until they threatened to break the door down. When he finally opened it he was annoyed and admitted he just didn’t want to answer – leaving the firefighters upset with him for that and my mom in an upset anger until i told her to calm down.
He doesn’t have to pay for anything out of his pockets because it’s all with the France Healthcare system for seniors that this is all free and cheap, my sister has access to my father’s credit card at all times especially on the app to see what purchase was made and the amount.
That’s it – also yes she tends to visit every week, we’ve had a few talks.
I am trying to get a job, it’s been difficult and i myself am in a dark place mentally and emotionally right now because things haven’t been on the bright side.
I need in sight please and thank you, i also want to apologize for my previous post because it was misleading as hell for the lack of context.
Thank you for your wisdom.
Why are you posting this again?
A user advised me to do so because my post was missing key context, i decided to rewrite everything properly and deleted the previous this time with my head clear and making sure this actually held all the information necessary.
But since there also was a limit of words, i was limited and still put a small note, sorry.
Info
Is your brother being paid by the state to care for dad? What stands in the way of kicking him out? Can you take over this job?
He is not paid by the stage to care of him but me and my sister did mention he could be paid for it, although it’s been like 3 years since that hung in the air.
He doesn’t want to get the job or actually do it to actually get cash, i don’t know why and he never gave a reason for it since he dodges it.
As for kicking him out – i am not in the position of doing so, my dad IS the owner of the house and all that jazz and kicking him out feels cruel because we still want him to get to his own feet, his own place and own cash instead of making him homeless.
And finally for me taking over the job – I’m not sure that i will actually do that but I’m still taking it into consideration since i could still be paid? My sister told me otherwise and to let the option available for my brother since he actually prefers working with elderly people as he claimed several times.
He actually studied for biology, health and science so he has the bachelor for it.
Your brother isn’t going to get on his feet on his own, he’s going to try to take your dad’s house and money when he dies
So what do you think you are the AH for? Your brother is definitely TAH for not upholding his end of the bargain related to your fathers health needs but other than venting about your brothers failure as a caregiver why do you think you’re the AH?
I find it hard to believe your brother has been caring for your father since he was 15 years old!