I (20F) will be turning 21 on Saturday and I’ve planned for my birthday for the couple months, planning out what I want for dinner, where I want to go, and who I want to celebrate with me. In my family, the person whose birthday it is gets to call all of the shots for that day. My father (49M) assumed that I was wanting him to be there, which at the time I did, I had even put in a reservation at the restaurant I work at a couple days ago. Well, since then, he’s been belittling me, bitching about me working all the time, not doing anything to help out around the house (yes, I live with my family still, I don’t make enough from either job to be able to live on my own). I work during the day as a freelance illustrator with my own very small business to run and orders to complete by the end of the year, and at night, I clean up and take care of some housework while the family is asleep so I don’t have any distractions or interruptions from the family, but they never actually notice the work being done. Yesterday, I got tired of all of the crap and snapped and the added bitching about my best friend being there too, telling my dad that I didn’t want him coming to celebrate my 21st birthday with me. I just don’t want him ruining all of the fun I plan to have that night and I most definitely don’t want him making my best friend feel like she shouldn’t be there. He claimed that if he wasn’t going then I wasn’t drinking because no one was going to buy my first drink. I told him that I didn’t want him to buy me a drink because it would’ve just been one more thing he’d throw back at me when he’d get pissed.
So Reddit, AITAH and how should I have handled this if I am?
Nah, you’re not the asshole. It’s your birthday, your celebration, and you get to set the vibe. You did the adult thing. Protecting your birthday from someone who’ll make it stressful is fine. Don’t let him guilt-trip you—this is your milestone, not his.
NTA sounds like your dad is making your bday about himself. You’re cleaning the house and working, I’m not sure what else he wants from you. Sounds like he’s having a midlife crisis about his daughter getting older. You might start having to document the things you do around the house for him. Speaking from experience, a lot of times if people don’t see it getting done, they don’t think it got done. Yes they do believe the dishes magically put themselves away or the floors are magically clean every day. I know you’d think the work speaks for itself but it doesn’t sadly.
NTA
I hope your dad apologizes for his behavior towards you but you did the right thing.
This cannot be real. No parent expects to be invited to their adult kid’s birthday party, or cares that they are not. Their role is to hand over some cash and give reminders about not drinking (or weeding) and driving. This is giving the same energy as not inviting someone to your wedding and expecting them to be offended. If this is real, ESH.
Actually, my dad was like that for me and all my siblings.
I get where you are coming from, the “I won’t buy you your first drink” already shows the kind of person he is., that is controlling and manipulative. It makes sense why you won’t want that kind of energy on your birthday dinner. NTA
NTA
As a father he shouldn’t be belittling you ever.
If he has a problem with you “not” pulling your weight around the house he should talk to you about it instead of shaming you for his perception of you doing “Nothing.”
I’m genuinely curious about what the rest of your family thinks about his behavior. Or even if they are on his side saying you need to do more.
I’m 30M with 2 kids.
I would never belittle either of them if I thought they weren’t doing enough.
As far as I can see he needs to do better.
I sincerely hope you have a fun 21st birthday and depending on your location either order yourself an AMF or a Long Island Iced Tea.
The rest of my family neither stands on his side nor does anything to stop him. My mom once tried to stop him but he blew up at her too and so she talks with me in private instead. As for my first drink, I was thinking of one of the holiday margaritas the restaurant I work at has on the menu, it always looks and smells so good and I’ve been dying to try it
NTA but please get out as soon as you can op your father us truly one big AH especially if he blows up at just anyone like that and id honestly tell him if hes not going to respect you he can not rally to you because you sure are done talking to him.
I’ve never known a dad to go out to a 21st birthday ever, or anyone going out to a restaurant they already work àt. Celebrate as you wish tho, it’s really up to you.
Don’t do invisible labour for people who don’t like or respect you
NTA