I have a close friend, Lena 26f We’ve been friends since college and generally have a great supportive relationship. For the last year I’ve been meticulously saving for a specific moderately-priced pottery course I’ve dreamed of for ages. I’ve talked about it with Lena often, and she’s always cheered me on. Lena, on the other hand, is more spontaneous with money. Last week, she called me, sounding extremely stressed. She said she was burned out and needed a last-minute, week-long wellness retreat at a boutique resort. The catch? It was very expensive, and she couldn’t afford it. She asked if I could spot her the money over $3,000 so she could go for her mental health. She promised to pay me back in a few months. I was taken aback and gently reminded her about my savings goal. I said, “I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, but that money is earmarked for my course. I can’t lend that amount, especially for something non-essential.” I offered to help her find more affordable therapy options, free local retreats, or even spend a decompression weekend together camping.
Lena got upset. She said, A real friend invests in their friend’s well-being. This isn’t a luxury it’s a necessity for me right now. Your pottery can wait, my mental health can’t. She accused me of prioritizing a hobby over her crisis. I stood my ground, saying that while her health is important, it’s not responsible for me to drain my specific savings for her impulsive, high-cost solution. Since then, it’s been tense. She’s posted vague things on social media about learning who your real friends are, and some mutual friends have hinted I could have been more supportive.
AITA for refusing to pay for Lena’s therapy vacation?
NTA if it’s really a necessity she should either take out a personal loan or use credit cards to pay for the retreat
That’s a very practical point. If the retreat was a non-negotiable medical necessity, established financial tools exist for that. My role as a friend is to provide emotional support and company
Also you could suggest to all your other friends who are saying you could be me supportive, to pay for her holiday instead themselves….
NTA you’re not a bank
NTA. First of all, it’s not your responsibility to pay for a friend. Second – notice how she turned down all the cheaper options? She isn’t burned out and in need, she just fancies a luxury holiday which she can’t afford. If she truly was having some kind of mental crisis she’d be looking at the other stuff you mentioned.
if she can’t afford it, it’s not a necessity, it’s a want
NTA. You’re not responsible for her mental health. And that is not the only way to relieve her stress. There are less expensive ways. She is just looking to spend your money and be glad that you dodged a bullet and ignore her. Because she would come back for money asking for other stupid stuff if you keep entertaining her demands
NTA she wouldn’t pay you back, she’d make up more urgent reasons why you’re being heartless and why she’s more important.
Well done for standing your ground. Real friends don’t try to guilt trip friends out of their hard earned money
Ask those mutual friends how much they’re lending her for her holiday? It’s easy to be opinionated when it’s not effecting them
NTA. Jeepers if I said this to my bestie she would fall over from laughter.
NTA
Lena isn’t a real friend, real friends don’t see others as an ATM
NTA. A friend would never ask you that. Would never even consider it. I am so sorry but she is horrible.
She’s not your friend, she’s a freeloader. When you’re stressed and short on money, you look for cheaper solutions. For example, in my case, I leave the kids with my husband and go for a walk alone with a friend, and we eat something within our budget. She wants to treat herself at your expense; I’d stop calling her a friend.