3 years ago my younger sister Jen had a miscarriage at 9 weeks. She and her partner Scott were devastated. I was there for them as much as I could be but it was a tough time for them.
A few months later Scott left Jen: Jen said it was because of the miscarriage. Her and Scott had a close knit group of friends and I found it odd no one has checked on her so I rang her best friend to suggest a girls night. She told me the reason they had broke up: Jen had slept with someone else. When he confronted her she blamed the miscarriage.
9 months ago I got engaged and asked Jen to be my MoH. At our engagement party Jen became inconsolable at seeing our friends baby. Everyone’s focus – including mine – was on Jen all night. I wasn’t upset with her: I figured that she was imagining what all these big family events would be like with a baby so I gave her grace.
Since then anything to do with the wedding, she brings up her miscarriage – but only at events related to my wedding. I asked her to help me pick flowers and she lost it when she saw baby blue roses (she’s convinced she was having a boy) and we had to leave.
When we went wedding dress shopping and she picked out a maternity bridesmaid dress and asked to try it on so that she could see how she would have looked. When she did that I thought “she’s actually lost it” and had to walk away when she started stuffing a cushion up her dress. I have tried to talk to her about going to counselling again but she is insisting this is a normal part of the grieving process.
She planned my hen party: which I was so grateful for but I found out after she’d sent everyone a list of rules which included no talking about pregnancy or kids; no wearing baby blue, etc etc. I confronted her but I was gentle about it: I suggested counselling again and said I was there for her but also that if she wanted to impose any other “rules” on anything to do with my wedding she had to come to me first.
It all came to a head when one of my friends and bridesmaids announced she was pregnant (she will be 7 months at the wedding). After the announcement Jen called her and said it would be best if she didn’t come because she couldn’t “maintain her peace” if she was forced to be reminded of the loss of her child. I LOST it when I found out and said she was using her miscarriage to get attention and if she made one more demand, or made a single comment about it at anything wedding related she was uninvited and in either case she is no longer my MoH.
Since then, Jen has told everyone I’ve dumped her from the wedding for being too upset about the loss of her baby. In retaliation and have told everyone and anyone who will listen the real reason her and Scott broke up.
Half our friends and family think I’m an asshole, half think she is. I’m still horrifically angry: and stuck in a place where I’m not sure if I’m rightly angry or if I should be more understanding.
AITA?
\*\*\*Edit\*\*\*
a couple of people have said I went too far telling people about the reasons why she broke up with Scott. And I can take that: but just for context I had a multiple people reach out to me, who she had spoken to first. Each essentially said I was being a b\*\*\*\* for dumping her from the wedding for having a miscarriage and said something along the lines of “she’s lost her partner and her sister because she lost her baby”.
I felt I needed to correct them that she actually lost neither of us, because if the miscarriage, she lost us because of her actions since and her blaming the miscarriage is part of a pattern of behaviour. (I didn’t go into details: just said “actually she lost Scott because she cheated on him, and she lost me because she uninvited one of my bridesmaids, without my knowing because she is pregnant)
I was upset and hurt that they were saying this to me; and also that she wanted everyone to think I was the sort of person who would dump my sister because she lost a baby so I lashed out by telling them what actually happened with Scott. I suppose as a way to defend myself.
But again: if the consensus is that this was too far, I’ll accept that and take it on the chin.
I’m gonna get downvoted to hell for this but honestly f* it.
She had a miscarriage at 9 weeks pregnant 3 YEARS AGO! And yes, a miscarriage is awful. I’m not saying it’s not something to grieve because it is. You grieve the idea of what could have been, what you hoped for and the embryo that wasnt viable.
BUT it’s vastly, VASTLY different then losing a child you were able to hold or had to give birth to and having a stillborn. And I will not hear anything about it, this is simply true and trying to compare these two losses as the same is ragebaiting.
At 9 weeks, this is still a loss, yes. But it’s incredibly common. 1 out of 10 pregnancies end in a miscarriage before 12 weeks. It’s usually because your body sensed there was something wrong with the tissue and rejected it because that would never be a viable baby.
She is now, after 3 years, still holding this as a pity hostage over people’s head? Even those who are currently pregnant btw, telling them not to talk about babies at the wedding while she is pregnant? She’s holding it over those who might be struggling with infertility issues and her sister who is getting married. Who said she was the only person who ever miscarried in that friends group?
She’s also using a miscarriage of 3 years ago as the reason for cheating on her spouse which is gross.
Almost sounds like she loves the negative attention and is milking this for all it’s worth. Which is bonkers.
This is my unpopulair opinion for the year. Let the “You don’t get to tell people how to grieve or for how long!!!!” people commence.
Totally with you. A miscarriage is devastating, but being that sensitive after 3 years is something else. As you say misscarriages before 12 weeks are really common. Its such a taboo topic and needs to be talked about more. Some people dont even realise they are pregnant at that point. Even if the baby was born dead in the third trimester it would still be overstepping, but more understandable.
NTA