So to preface, this is all due to my past experiences with alcohol. I grew up with parents who abused it and now the smell of it and the way people act under the influence makes me feel sick. My partner is not a heavy drinker by any means and they don’t cause issues when they drink. But even thinking about them drinking makes me feel absolutely awful. Other than the drinking my partner is amazing and we get along super well. I haven’t really brought this up to them because I don’t want be controlling but lately I’ve really been wondering if I want to be in a long term relationship with someone who drinks and gets drunk. I’ve been considering asking how they feel about not drinking anymore (or maybe just not getting drunk anymore). If they say that it’s something they really value and aren’t willing to give up then I’m willing to accept that the relationship might not work between us. So I’m wondering if I’d be an asshole for asking them to stop before just breaking up with them because of it (knowing that this is all just because of me and my relationship to alcohol and not something they’re doing wrong).
Edit: we’ve been dating 4 months and another reason i haven’t considered talking to them about it till now because I have been trying to make myself be ok with it and I’ve been talking to a therapist about it. The issue is I’m realizing that I’m not going to ever be comfortable with it.
I mean, you are allowed to be with anyone for any reason, and are allowed to break up with someone for any reason. You can do whatever you want.
I would just caution you to consider if breaking up with him, on the grounds that you cannot tolerate your partner drinking at all, is something that would actually make you happy. Are there other things that you could do? If things work well otherwise it would be a shame to blow them up.
Given that their drinking doesn’t cause any actual problems, yeah, I think you would be. If you want to be with someone who doesn’t drink at all, find a person who’s sober and date them, instead of dating someone who does drink and then expecting them to change that for you. That doesn’t seem very fair to me. You are allowed to have your preferences regarding your partner and choose who to date accordingly, but it’s not okay to choose a person who doesn’t meet those preferences and then expect them to bend to them.
NAH but I would think hard about whether this is a you problem to overcome or whether you want to risk a relationship with an amazing partner that you get along with super well.
YTA
If you want to date someone that doesn’t drink alcohol, date someone that doesn’t drink alcohol. That person is not your current partner.
Trying to change someone to fit who you want them to be is controlling.
Agreed. I feel like there are more sober folk out there than ever. Asking someone to change implies they’re the problem. If this is your stance, you should only pursue sober people.
Yep.
I don’t want to be with someone that smokes, so if I were seeking a partner, it would be absurd to find someone that *does smoke* and then ask him to not smoke for me.
Or I don’t want kids. So I wouldn’t date someone that already had kids or wants kids. We just wouldn’t be compatible from the get-go.
There’s nothing wrong with having a preference, but there is something wrong with having that preference, dating that person despite them not meeting that preference, and then asking them to change.
YTA. I don’t drink at all, never tried anything actually, and when I was looking for a partner, I had very strict limits to what I would tolerate. I vastly preferred someone who also didn’t drink, but I was willing to be with someone who drank every once in a while, say at a wedding.
My husband doesn’t drink at all due to a history of issues with it, and he was thrilled to be with someone who had no desire to drink. You can always ask, but there’s lot of people like you out there, if it’s a hard no for you, don’t waste anymore of your time.
Slight YTA. Did you know he drank before starting to date him? If so, then it didn’t bother you beforehand and it’s now bothering you. That would seem controlling. How often does he drink? Sounds like you aren’t compatible with him if you are trying to change him, which you are. You might as well break it off with him and find someone that doesn’t drink at all. Allow both of yourselves to be happy, him with someone that won’t try and change him, and you with someone who doesn’t drink. Maybe also seek some counseling to see if there are some techniques that you can do to help with not feeling sick.
You don’t get to be with someone with a habit and ask them to drop it. If you want a non-drinking boyfriend date non-drinkers.
YTA
Info: how long have you been dating?
This seems like a core value to you and something you should’ve brought up within the first 2 to 3 dates. If you failed to do that, YTA.
YTA. You said your partner doesn’t have an issue with drinking. This is something you should be working on with a counselor.
Ywbta, go to therapy.
YTA. The boundary is fine, but that should have been communicated when you met. You’ve now built a relationship together, and are seeking to change his behaviour, that you knew about, to fit your needs. That’s not ok.
YWBTA. I am not a big drinker, a couple drinks a few times a year, and I would not be pleased if you asked me to give up drinking. You knew going into this relationship that you had a problem with alcohol, but you waited until now to bring it up? You admit that he does not drink to excess and that his drinking isn’t causing any problems, but you want him to stop because of what others did. If I were him I’d wonder what else are you going to suddenly announce having a problem with and when?
You shouldn’t date people who drink if you aren’t comfortable with drinking