I don’t know if I have a right to be angry about this. Seven months ago (during the summer), my boyfriend offered to loan me his hoodie for one month in december as a christmas gift. He then asked if I could add patches to it and fix up some of the holes before returning it to him. He even helped me pick out the patches. He chose one that reminded him of me, and I was so touched by the gesture that I almost cried.
We’re already long distance, but we’re about to go off to college, meaning we’ll be long distance for another four years. I learned embroidery and spent hours buying sewing supplies to put some personal touches on the hoodie, so he’ll have a little piece of me while he’s away. I’ve been planning this for seven months, budgeted my entire christmas spending around it (the patches and materials cost over 70 dollars), went through the patches with him, and even bought some extra patches in secret to surprise him with (including one that looked like his old dog, so he’d have a piece of her with him too. I know how much she meant to him). I’ve missed him a lot, so having his hoodie, even just for one month, would’ve meant a lot to me. He seemed genuinely excited, and promised he was going to go through with it.
Yesterday, after seven months of planning, he randomly changed his mind. I asked if I could buy him another hoodie with my own money, just for that one month, so he’d still have something to keep him warm, but he refused. I asked if he could at least look on amazon in case there was another similar hoodie I could buy for him as a temporary replacement, and he refused. Apparently he just thinks this one looks best on him, and doesn’t want to go 30 days with a slightly different hoodie.
To clarify, this isn’t a special hoodie from a family member or something. I’M the one who bought it for him a few years back. He literally just likes the color and design, and doesn’t want to wear a different one for a month.
This is the one christmas present I asked for, and I was really counting on him to keep his promise. If he said no initially, I would’ve been fine, but he waited until he had already made a promise, and I had already been planning for seven months.
I’m a very over the top person and I tend to go above and beyond for my partner. This christmas, I got him a custom leather belt to replace an old one he had lost, bought a piece of art from a craft fair that reminded me of him, and also saved up to spend over 100 dollars on a THIRD gift for him. In return, I asked him for something that would cost him ZERO dollars for the most important holiday of the year, seven months in advance, and I couldn’t count on him. Why? Because he just doesn’t want to wear another color for 30 days.
I know it’s just a hoodie, but this is the only gift I have ever asked him for, and I’m hurt. He fully knew how much this meant to me.
UPDATE: I’ve spoken to him a bit more, and apparently that hoodie reminds him of his dog, because he was wearing it when he had to give her away, which is why he doesn’t want to give it up for a month. I’m still a little confused about why he didn’t just say that initially, because I NEVER would’ve pushed the issue if he had told me that upfront, but I’m glad to at least have an explanation.
We’re trying to compromise now. He says he still wants the patches, which were his idea, so I need to find a way to maybe sew them on the next time I visit him. In the meantime I’m just taking a cheap stuffed animal or something for christmas.
I have no idea why he didn’t communicate this seven months ago, but he’s angry at me for pushing the issue, so I’m choosing to just take his explanation at face value and drop the subject.
So, I don’t think your the a-hole for being upset (NTA) but I do think you might be being an a-hole to yourself by being an over-giver and martyr.
I was brought up as a people pleaser, so I get that it’s hard to break out of old habits. But, if you carry on over-giving you will put reasonable people off and end up with those who take you for granted – just as your bf is doing.
THIS. I love my boyfriend, but he was such a people pleaser when we met that I almost didn’t even give him a chance. He has since gotten away from the bad situations and is in therapy. But the kind of people who aren’t going to take advantage of over-givers also don’t want to be with them.
Why are you with him? You were planning 3 presents and the only present you expected from him was his worn hoodie as a loan?
Why is your expectation of him so low? Can you take a step back and look at the dynamics of this relationship? Are there other places that you feel unsurported… Is this what you really want in a partner long term?
NTA but he doesn’t seem to be that into you. Are you doing most of the emotional work your relationship requires? What does he bring into it?
NTA, he went back on his promise for apparently no good reason.
But, INFO: have you tried explaining to him what this means to you, and why you care so much about it? This seems one of those cases where communication is the only way to resolve it. Don’t ask him why he wants it back, tell him why it means so much to you, don’t just assume he knows.
Because if he DOES know it, he is looking for a way to make YOU dump him, so he isn’t in the wrong. This is how I read it.
I’ve explained what it meant to me, and he seemed apologetic, but not enough to change his mind and go through with his promise. I don’t think anything I say will change his mind on this. I don’t want to be pushy, so I’m trying not to bring it up to him again, but I’m still hurt and a bit confused by his actions.
He has an ‘excellent’ reason, he would be walking around with a very visible signal that he has a girlfriend. He could claim his mother or sister did it for him but most women will see that much care as a ‘taken’ symbol
YTA to yourself…
I don’t understand how you are gifting him with over $100 of gifts and all you asked was to spend more money to add patches to a hoodie that you were going to give back, so he is netting ALL of the gifts and he can’t follow through? Are you dating him because you lost a bet? I mean, he isn’t trying to be a good partner, he isn’t trying to speak your love language, I don’t understand the pull.
(Yes, you are not the A H, but he really is and deserves to be called out on it)
NTA
your boyfriend went back on his promise just for a hoodie that he would be away from for thirty day, after you went and got all the things to fix it for him. he had seven months to change his mind but only does it now?
If he care about you he would care about your feelings. This relationship is already over
NTA. He’s showing you who he is. Seven months of planning and he can’t handle a different colored hoodie for 30 days? That’s not about the hoodie, it’s about control and selfishness.
NTA. As someone that really doesn’t like my favorite things modified, this wouldn’t be something I’d want to do either. If you were to get another hoodie and do it on that as a gift, I could get behind it.
That said, I can communicate that like an adult. He’s not communicating at all. He is not putting effort into that relationship and it seems awfully one sided. I don’t know how you put up with that unless he’s great in other areas.
I’m really confused why you wanted his hoodie for a month as a gift. Why a month? Why that hoodie? How is borrowing a piece of clothing a gift? I’m not understanding this whole thing.
I thought maybe you were borrowing it to surprise him with patches but you told him about the patches so that’s not it. I’m missing something here.
You’re going way overboard, OP. Just 18 years old, if that, and you’re serious about him in a strong way. He’s not as serious as you. He’s trying to tell you that by getting his hoodie back, and you’re not listening.
I hope you’ll take that third present back to the store and get your money back. Two presents are already overkill. You seem to like calling yourself “over the top”, but doing it for someone who doesn’t do it back is foolish. And with the wrong people, you just end up being used.