This is my first ever post so please bear with me. To be honest, I don’t really even know why I’m making a post about this. I think it is all ridiculously stupid on both our ends.
I, (16), never use Facebook or Facebook messenger. The only reason I still have the apps are because my mom has told me I have to keep them. Now my mom on the other hand, is always scrolling through Facebook. She sends me at least 15+ reels a day. This by itself I don’t think is a problem.
Earlier today, my mom was talking about how she sent me some reels that I should look at. Before I could get a word out, she started ranting about how it’s rude that I don’t respond or watch them. Which, yes, I understand is a little bit rude. But I have told her several times I do not use Facebook or Messenger and do not even open the apps. I tried to tell her once again, in what I thought was a polite tone, that I do not use those apps. She responded by getting upset and told me that I’m a "rude asshole" for not watching what she sends me. She kept going on and on about how I’m purposefully ignoring her. Her tone was very condescending to me and made me feel like I’m a bad kid just for not watching the reels she sends me.
After she was done ranting I tried my best to acknowledge and just walk away. I’d rather walk away to go pet one of our cats than get upset at her. I had to walk back by her after I felt I had cooled off enough. She was still in the same place and was staring off into space with an angry face, like how she usually does after getting upset at me. I asked her "What?". I only said that because I wanted to know what was up. I really tried to not have an attitude since that is something I am actively working on. She then went off on how I’m "trying to start shit" and that I’m purposefully being passive aggressive. She told me that since I’ve taken psychology I should know better than to be passive aggressive since it’s just going to start problems. I just stayed quiet because usually it’s better to say nothing than to respond.
Now, I would 100% agree I’m the asshole if I were to be using the apps on a daily basis and if I were ignoring her. But I’m never on the apps nor am I purposefully ignoring her. I do not want to use Facebook or look at any of the reels. I don’t want to be a part of Facebook at all due to all the stuff I’ve heard about Meta (which I know some of it could be false but still). Most of the reels she sends me are things she ends up telling me about later or is just some AI slop.
On every other app that I actually use, I do watch what she sends me. I don’t always reply to it, but I do watch. I just really don’t like the way she responded and tried to tell me that I’m purposefully trying to ignore her and start problems.
Again, I think this whole situation is unbelievably stupid but I still feel frustrated at what happened. I want to know other peoples opinions on the situation and I’m prepared for judgement/criticism. Am I the Asshole?
Hey, there. Can we revisit why she insists that you have to keep your FB account? If you are not using it, it can’t be to monitor you. Is she playing Facebook games (aka Farmville or something more recent – I know, I’m dating myself) and your account is one more “body” she can count as a “friend”? Because as a parent of a teen, I would love to have one less platform to have to monitor. My kiddo doesn’t use Facebook. He does use Discord – we are friends on that app. He does use Steam – we are friends on that app/launcher. He USED to use Tik Tok – and whereas we mutually follow each other, I know he doesn’t use it – so if there is a Tik Tok I want to share with him, I share it via Discord. (LOL – I’m the one addicted to Tik Tok, ironically).
I would ask your mom why you have to keep the Facebook account. And ask her – if you (mom) were still paying for a PO Box in another city, and it’s still in your name and active, but you (mom) don’t check it ever and you’ve given everyone you know your new home address – would it be reasonable for grandma (her mom) to yell at you (mom) for not responding to the last year’s worth of postcards that grandma mailed to the PO Box that is only still open because grandma insists that you (mom) keep it open. But you literally have no time and have not had any chances to go check it since you’ve moved away.
Edit: NTA – you are watching when she sends you stuff outside of FB
This MIGHT be skirting the line… can you deactivate your account and keep the apps? Otherwise NTA. I’m pretty sure my mom DMd me on Insta a year ago, and I still haven’t looked at it.
Unfortunately, I can’t because the second she tried to send me something she would realize. And I would guess she would make me redownload it.
Do you have another parental figure or a guidance counselor that you can discuss this with?
I can probably talk to my dad about it but that’s it. Although it will be a week or two before then.
NTA the real issue here is that your mother wants to feel like she can share things she finds interesting or funny, but rather than send them to an equal, a friend say, who is free to watch them or ignore them she is sending them to you who she regards as her captive audience.
She has somehow framed this in her mind as you owing her viewing what she sends you, with this being good manners, but the reality is that in a relationship without the parent/child unequal power dynamic what she is doing would be seen as her being selfish, demanding, and inconsiderate. You don’t send people endless time-sucking things to watch and get angry if they don’t indulge you every time. An equal would be in a position to get that across.
You are NTA. The problem for you is how to deal with your mother in practical terms given her unreasonable attitude where she has justified what she expects in her mind, and the power difference where you can’t really escape her or disagree as an equal. How you handle things really depends on how she will respond to you not going along with her demands.
Honestly, I think it’s going to be a lose lose situation no matter which way I decide to go. Thank you and I appreciate your response!
Your mom sure is a handful. NTA for not watching the reels, but it isn’t really about the reels. It’s about your mom’s anger and poor response at not being in control of your actions.
Thank you for your response! The more I’ve thought about it I am definitely more upset at the response than the reels.
Her efforts at control are woven through your entire post:
“I just stayed quiet because usually it’s better to say nothing than to respond.”
I lived through that – it’s a clear sign of manipulation at the least, if not outright emotional abuse.
Yeah, I am starting to see that. Since I did study some of the basics in psychology I have realized a lot of what she does is some form of manipulation or emotional abuse. I’d like to say she means well. Either way I don’t think it’s right. Thank you again for responding
NTA. If she so desperately wants you to see a reel, she can send it via text instead of Messenger. At the same time, she has a serious problem she’s sending 15+ a day on FB, and more on other apps (did I understand that correctly?). I use FB and Insta. I used to send way too many reels at a time to my sister on both apps. She told me that I was sending too many for her to keep up with and to please limit it, and to only send on Insta because she doesn’t use FB/Messenger. So I stopped sending reels through FB and now I limit the reels I send to 3 a day, if that.
Your mom is the one who is being disrespectful, and she has a serious problem if social media reels are this important. Find a nonconfrontational way to ask why it is so important to her that you watch all these reels and why you have to be on FB. Explain why you don’t want to use it and ask her to work with you to find a compromise.
Yes, you did understand correctly. She also sends me stuff on both TikTok and Instagram (though much less). I wouldn’t normally mind if she sent me a bunch on an app I actually use, like TikTok, but she makes it into a really big deal when I tell her to send them somewhere else. I will definitely try to find a compromise soon and ask why I need to keep Facebook. Thank you for your response!!
NTA – your mom is literally mad that you don’t use an app you told her you don’t use lmao. Like what did she expect when she forces you to keep Facebook but you’ve made it clear multiple times you’re not actually on there
Maybe suggest she send stuff through whatever apps you actually check instead of getting pissy about the apps you don’t