My husband’s grandmother passed away a few days ago. I had known her for over 4 years and we were very close. I never had a grandma growing up, so she really meant a lot to me.
We went to her funeral, and it was my first funeral ever. also saw her body, which I had never experienced before. I’m very sensitive to death, and the whole experience was extremely overwhelming for me. I cried throughout the service and again at the cemetery when she was buried.
Atter the burial, everyone started heading back. rode with my husband to the cemetery, but on the way back I asked him if it was okay for me to go with my parents instead. He said it was fine. I went back to my parents’ house to decompress, while he went to his parents’ house and stayed with them. For context, I don’t have a good relationship with his mom, which he knows, and he said he was okay with me not staying there.
Later, when we were back at our place, he told me he was disappointed that I didn’t ride back with him after the burial. He said that while he understood me not staying at his parents’ house, he wanted me to at least be with him on the car ride back to comfort him, and then I could have gone to my parents afterward.
I told him that it was also my first time experiencing a funeral and seeing a dead body, and I was emotionally overwhelmed and needed space. I genuinely felt like I couldn’t handle any more emotionally in that moment.
Now I’m wondering if I was wrong for what i did.
Soft YTA
I get that funerals can be emotionally overwhelming, but this was your husband’s grandmother. You should have been there for him.
YTA – I believe that except for psycopaths, most of us are very sensitive to death. Way to make grandmother’s funeral all about you.
Soft YTA. The rule with funerals is you take care of people who are closer to the deceased, and only put the burden of your feelings or needs on those who are further away from you than the deceased.
Meaning in this case, your #1 job there is to be there for your husband. To ask him what he needed from you and come through in that way.
It’s ok to share your upset feelings on someone like your parents afterward, but only after making sure you took care of your husband for the duration of the event. You really messed up.
YTA
Funerals are emotionally overwhelming. I understand it was your first one, but this was your husbands Grandma, and he needed you to be there for him. You knew her for four years. He knew her his entire life.
On this occasion, his emotional needs should have been a priority over yours. If the situation was reversed, it would be the other way round. You should have sucked it up for a bit longer and been there for him.
YTA.
He’s your husband and your place is with him. If your relationship isn’t great with his mom, that doesn’t mean you bag off on your husband during a death in the family. What are the decades to come going to look like at family gatherings, xmas, etc? Maybe after less than 4 years of marriage, you want to work on BUILDING a relationship with her, which..ahem…may have helped had you have been there for the family during this time.
You weren’t the one needing comfort here, it was your husband and his family. You should have been there, helped out, made your MIL some tea, sat with hubby, listened to the stories…all the stuff that happens when you’re mouring together.
You can’t run home to your mom and dad to comfort you when you are in a partnership, and YOU’RE the one supposed to be doing the comforting.
The bigger issue is why you can’t hear your husband communicating his feelings to you without being defensive and proving that you weren’t wrong.
He knows you asked if you could ride with your parents. He knows he said ok.
He was saying, “you know that actually didnt feel good for me”, and instead of caring how it felt for him, all you care about is how you feel at being told that something you did ended up unintentionally hurting him.
That is such a self centred response to him sharing his feelings and communicating.
Relationships aren’t about “I’m right and you’re wrong”, they’re about being loving and caring.
If your actions had an unintended consequence of hurting someone you love – even when it was unavoidable due to other factors – the loving thing is to care, and to respond with compassion
This is a perfect explanation of what happened here and how her response (and coming on Reddit to get info rather than listening to the very clear words and emotion her husband was expressing to her) shows that she is not really listening to him and just wants to be ‘right’.
Y kinda TA. You should’ve made your husband’s grandma’s funeral about your husband instead of about you. Since this was your first experience with death what does it mean that you’re“sensitive about death” and why does this sensitivity render you unable to be an emotional support to your grieving husband?
YTA. Circles of support are meant to go the other way around, where you support him and seek your support from your parents. You sought your support from the right place but weren’t there for him when he needed you. Totally understandable that you were overwhelmed but you unfairly assumed you were the only one just because your emotions were the most visible.
There’s a good rule for managing your own needs while still being a support for others in difficult situations.
Think of the people involved as being in concentric circles based on how affected they are by the situation.
So, in this case, your husband and his family were most immediately affected, that makes them the innermost circle.
People close to immediate family, like you, would be the next circle. Friends might be next, then acquaintances, and so forth.
The rule is that support flows inward. Wherever you are on the map you give love and support to those inside and ask for love and support from the outside.
If your husband needed you then you should have tried to find a way to be strong and support him in the moment. His need was greater.
Your parents were a good choice to give you support. But your need was secondary to the grieving family.
People who struggle to balance others’ needs are often accused of being selfish, making a situation “about them,” etc. and they might not even realize it.
This is a good way to make sure everyone gets the support they need during tough times.
Very gentle YTA.
YTA
YTA, because you made it about you. He needed your support and you had to do you. He must love you because I would rethink my relationship if my wife did that to me. This definitely won’t help your relationship with the in laws. If you are at odds with them, this situation will make it worse because you are coming off as selfish. You’ve got to learn to push through being uncomfortable sometimes when you are needed. It’s part of being in a relationship.
YTA. Sorry. It’s his grandmother’s funeral. Your an adult I assume and your husband needed to to be there for him, not managing your feelings. He shouldn’t have to ask you to stay with him while he’s beyond his grandma, that’s sort of implied in the wedding vows.
I get that it was overwhelming for you. And emotional. But this is what you signed up for. Sorry him, comfort him, and go have a nice cry in the bathroom for a few moments, wash your face, and get back out there for the person you choose to marry.
YTA. You left him when she needed support. Don’t be so mean .