So for quick context: My mum won’t talk to me as my brother had stirred the pot between me and my mum I had texted him “I’ve told them they understand also not coming up New Year’s Day I’m not ready I’m gonna wait till I’m healed Cause, at the moment as bad as it sounds I can’t tell if mums being genuine or not cause I’m holding onto the past” he told my mum that I was contemplating cutting her off again even though I reassured her I would tell her next time and we both agreed to keep at arms distance till I get through my resentment as she won’t hold herself accountable for past actions like when she told me “you don’t care if I die.” I understand she has depression but it was really hurtful and she denies ever saying it even when confronted and when I had an ear infect at 14 she refused to take me till my ear burst and even then my nan got involved so I’d go to the GP. So there’s a part of me that thinks she’s lying about caring about me. At the moment she won’t talk or explain what’s said it’s just off my mum she’s not happy that I’m at my Nan’s and that I’m ruining Christmas for her because she can’t see Nan cause I’m here. So AITA for me celebrating with my nan for Christmas.
Edit: thanks to some advice In the comments here’s some more context:
When I say I’m recovering, I’m recovering from a lot of resentment towards my mother for how she treated me in the past. Those were two examples, but there are many more that I won’t go into. I’ve held onto the past and want answers, but she denies it. I did tell my mum, and we started opening up a bit – but I couldn’t tell if she was being genuine, so I asked my brother for reassurance, not thinking he’d stir the pot. I just couldn’t tell if she actually cares or if she’s putting this on.
When I was in the psych ward, there were safeguarding concerns. I was ill and going through what they thought was stress-induced psychosis caused by uni and my parents’ controlling behaviour – which made me think they wanted me dead – or it was my MDD. So I cut them off for a few months. I was pressured to start rebuilding the relationship with them and felt bad that I upset them, so I gave them a chance while I was getting better. It took four whole months for my mum to talk to me, which I understand. I know I should have handled things better back then, but this time I’m making sure I do it right, along with therapy."
NTA. You should be able so spend Christmas with the people of your choosing. For your own sake, put your brother on an information diet. You gave him too much ammunition to hurt you with, and he took full advantage.
I’ll remember next time not to tell my brother cause I’m sick of this we’d gotten so far and now we’re back at square one I’m thinking my therapist is right to keep my mom at arms length. It’s exhausting cause I put so much effort in even when I didn’t feel up for it so she felt heard and we understood each to some degree.
No you are not. Merry Christmas!
Thank you and a merry Christmas to you
INFO – You are not TA for opting to celebrate Christmas with your Nan. However, there’s lots of context missing from the relationship problems that you’re having with your mum, so I can’t say whether any assholery is afoot there or not. 14 year olds sometimes blow jokes out of proportion. I’m not saying that your pain isn’t real; I’m just not sure that your mum inflicted it intentionally.
Basically we’ve been on and off since childhood she either cared or didn’t and we have struggled to have a daughter and mom relationship since whenever my sister was around she favoured her she only started to care about me more when my sister disappointed her and didn’t want to spend time with her as much anymore as she’s got a bf but even then she’d find me annoying cause I talk too much or I’d talk to little so I felt I couldn’t win.
NTA. You aren’t ruining Christmas; your mother is choosing to stay away because she refuses to take accountability for her past actions.
Given her history of medical neglect and emotional manipulation, you have every right to spend the holiday with your Nan, who has actually supported you. Your mother’s decision to let your brother’s gossip dictate her behavior is her choice, not your fault. Enjoy your time with your Nan and ignore the guilt-tripping.
Ignore that. I think I misread your comment.
*~~”I’m ruining Christmas for her because she can’t see Nan cause I’m here.”~~*
~~Just to clarify: The mother isn’t upset that the daughter won’t celebrate Christmas with her.~~
~~The mother is upset because she won’t be able to see the grandmother on Christmas, because the daughter will be at the grandmother’s house.~~
This makes no sense. WTF?
What do you not understand and I’ll try to explain it?
Info: What would happen if your mom went and visited your grandmother on Christmas Day? Would you have an issue with that?
It’s OP’s Mom who is making an issue of it