(M/F 30/30 W.child together 5 years, stable and happy for context)
Okay so it’s it’s really simple I’ve got a radical idea that I’ve kind of started subtly trying and I’ve seen moderate success in the short term I don’t know if it’s going to work out well in the long run though and I’m kind of nervous about it but every time she gets on a kick where I’ve noticed more than two or three negative statements about her own body or feelings of bloating or retaining water I make it a point within the same time Of these swings to start slipping in subtle little hints of bullying in the opposite direction (always playfully of course), but I really feel like even though I’m being an asshole in the moment I do notice that she has fewer days of this line of thinking in a row but also more confident after and it seems like the time period between one of these events or cycles is getting longer I don’t know if I’m helping or if she’s retreating..
I know everyone likes details/examples, so here is one:
Her: (starts dropping hints this week that she needs to skip Meals, go on a diet, workout more, lose weight in general.)
Me: (in unrelated exchange and she’s being playfully bratty) dude, you better chill before you figure it out
Her: what?
Me: the find out to all your fucking around lol
Her: what’s that supposed to mean lol
Me: it means I’m going to launch you through the air when I get home, string bean lmao
Her: wtf, I’m too big for all that lmao
Me: The figure out comes after the first spin when I yeet you like a frisbee off the roof followed by my best impression of a Donkey Kong victory dance lmao
So you use funny teasing to reinforce the idea that she’s actually not fat, which is about a million times more effective than telling her she’s not fat? NTA.
YTA and wtf
>I make it a point within the same time Of these swings to start slipping in subtle little hints of bullying in the opposite direction (always playfully of course)
AITA is FULL of stories where “playful bullying”, “playfully mean”, “mean joking”, etc. fail HARD – someone always goes too far and/or someone inevitably takes offense. It’s highly likely that you’re setting yourself up to fail.
>I really feel like even though I’m being an asshole in the moment
You said it – YTA.
I’m going to say YTA because you sound like you are trying to fix her. I try not to nitpick posts, it’s the talk of success and the time between cycles. If she really needs to change, then you’re better off suggesting a counselor or whatever other treatment is appropriate.
YTA, this is cringe, please delete. Your SO isn’t an NPC. What happens when she reacts in a different way than you anticipate?
NTA if I understand what it is you’re doing then my guess is that yeah short term it’ll work but she’s not addressing the root issues of insecurities. Whatever she says out loud pales in comparison to what you’re think and you’re not there to defuse it.
Unless she knew about and agreed to this bizarre plan beforehand, Yta.
I thought you were going to describe the bullying as “tough love” – eg when she says “ugh I’m so fat”, you respond with zero sympathy + “don’t be mean about the woman I love”.
That can be pretty effective (when used only if they’re saying randomly mean things to themselves, not if they are having a depressive or emotional episode). It only offers a mirror to how they are treating themselves, but keeps the responsibility for changing things with them, not you!
But what you’re doing isn’t healthy.
It’s too indirect, and it relies on you “fixing” her rather than her sorting out her own problems.
In fact, it can make it worse – if she figures out that by saying negative stuff about herself then she gets to hear you saying positive things about her, then she’s likely to increase the negatives.
This is weird
Don’t do this. Your “playful bullying” is dismissing her emotions. She is allowed to feel bad. She is allowed to be dissatisfied with herself. When you redirect the self examination away from the feelings it creates a lack of trust because the individual begins to think that their thoughts and feelings do not matter.
Try supportive curiosity:
“What would you like to do to change this?”
“How can I help you reach your goal?”
‘I still think you are attractive but what do you need to feel better about you?”
“What’s is the first step to get what you need?”
“Why do you feel this way?”
“Your feelings are valid. What do you think needs to he different?”
Don’t invalidate feelings. If you need to challenge a negative thought because it is distorted or untrue, use “I” statements.Â
“I don’t see it that way. Here is why.”
“I have a different perspective ”
“I feel (insert) about this.”
This helps a person feel heard and validate while allowing them to explore their feelings and needs. It also gives you insight as to how to be effective as a partner in getting them what they are aiming for whether it is resources or just having their back.through something tough.
I won’t call you an asshole. I think your heart is in the right place. You are just going about it wrong.
YTA.. you’re just an asshole and she doesn’t need to be fix.
I’m pretty sure she is retreating if only out of confusion. Seriously try and put yourself in her place. How would it feel if someone started doing this to you? I think your heart is in a good place, BUT this isn’t it. Soft yta.