My (20m) mother looks after my niece (3) once per week and has done essentially since she was born, and she even does it when my sisters boyfriend is at home because he’s apparently too tired to look after her for a whole day alone and sleeps all day for a day when he’s back because he works away from home and night shifts and only comes home about once a month for a few days, which is kind of pathetic lol I don’t know why she doesn’t just say too bad and refuse to look after her when he’s available.
My mother constantly complains about not having any free time because her ’day off’ is taken up by looking after my niece, which is something she \*voluntarily\* does. I’ve said to her so many times that she could just say no and she always says “it’s not that easy”, but I don’t understand what the issue is, she’s not being forced to do it and all that will happen if she doesn’t is that my sister will have to pay for daycare for 4 days instead of 3.
I was with my parents and the topic of work came up and my dad was telling my mother that she should change her work week to 3 or even 2 days instead of 4 which is what it currently is, and he also mentioned the possibility of her retiring soon. I’m pretty sure both of my parents could retire now and we would be fine, but they both still work even though they’re around retirement age my mother is somewhere from 56-59 and my dad is 60. But my mother said “if I take another day off I’ll end up having to look after someone else” and I essentially told her don’t be such a doormat, you’re the one choosing to spend your day off babysitting, all you have to do is say no and you won’t have to.
And then she started ranting on about how she ‘can’t refuse to look after her grandchild’ because it would apparently be the worst thing ever and might make my niece feel like she doesn’t want to spend time with her or something. I just think it’s ridiculous she constantly complains about how she wants more free time and doesn’t get any days off when she is CHOOSING to do this and also won’t reduce her work week because of a hypothetical situation. Just playing the victim constantly when it’s all her choice.
ETA no I do not live with them they basically kicked me out lol, yes my sister works and no I do not look after my niece because it’s not something I want to do and my parents don’t expect it of me.
YTA
While not technically wrong, she COULD say no, calling her a doormat is mean.
You could be supportive and reassure her that your sibling would understand and your niece wouldn’t feel like grandma doesn’t want to see her.
But instead you’re being an asshole and probably stressing her out more by nagging her about being a doormat.
NTA
You’re right, she is the one who chose that. Complaining about her life choices, while doing nothing to change her schedule, is useless and tiring for the others to listen.
I don’t know what the chip on your shoulder is about your BIL but aside from that I agree it’s her choice.
I am confused as to how watching a grandchild 1 day a week & working 4 other days equals having no days for herself? Are you and your father helping at home like cleaning up ect or is the entire upkeep of the house on your mother, if so YTA for that.
Just reread your post. You don’t even know how old your own mother is? Between 56 and 59?
I mean I can believe it my brother doesn’t know when either of our parents birthdays/years are
NTA
As someone with parents who will agree to *anything* – even things they shouldn’t, or they’ll complain about later, I wish they would have a better measure of their own capacity to help out.
NTA. I think it would be helpful to adopt a “not my circus, not my monkeys” mentality though. I’m sure it’s frustrating to see your mom do this to herself but if she’s not going to put a stop to it, there’s no point in getting worked up about it with her. Stop engaging with it. When she starts to complain, tell her “Mom, I’ve tried to give you solutions and you don’t like any of them. That’s fine, but I don’t want to hear you complain about it anymore. We can talk about something else or we can not talk at all.”
NAH.
Your mother WANTS to see her granddaughter. But she’s tired at the end of the day. So she also wants to be appreciated for her “sacrifice.”
And some people just like to complain.
You’re not an AH for pointing out to her that she can refuse to babysit, and you don’t have to be sympathetic, but you would be heading toward AH territory if you continue to call her out on this.
YTA for thinking people who work nights don’t deserve sleep.
People who have children are obligated to find childcare, regardless of their work schedule… and if OP’s mom doesn’t want to be that person, that’s okay.
YTA. You sound like someone who has very little life experience. Your mother is right, it’s not that easy. Your sister may not be able to afford another day of daycare. Your niece’s dad may be making a HUGE sacrifice to work away from his family, and most likely *needs* that time to sleep after working night shifts. If you don’t want to babysit, that’s cool. How else can YOU help your mom? What load of hers can you lighten?
i mean it’s fair to want to babysit your grandchild while still wishing you had more free time. we are complex beings that carry multitudes of emotion and desires. If she doesn’t like the idea of your niece being in daycare more than she has to then that’s just how she feels.
as far as retiring, it’s really not that easy. how aware are you of your parents financials ? just because they live relatively easy now doesn’t mean they’re prepared to retire. my mother is in the middle of planning her retirement now and it’s such a pain.
very very light YTA. i think you could be more empathetic
>My mother constantly complains about not having any free time because her ’day off’ is taken up by looking after my niece, which is something she *voluntarily* does. I’ve said to her so many times that she could just say no and she always says “it’s not that easy”, but I don’t understand what the issue is, she’s not being forced to do it and all that will happen if she doesn’t is that my sister will have to pay for daycare for 4 days instead of 3.
I mean, you should count yourself very lucky that your mother thinks it’s not that easy to cut out her 3-year-old granddaughter.
After all, you are 19 years old, and have literally threatened your mother with a weapon, yet your mother hasn’t completely cut you out of her life, and still spends way more time and money on you than she should.
If she isn’t a doormat for your sister/niece to walk all over, why should she be a doormat for you to walk all over?
ETA – look I get your point, your mom is deff creating her own prison here and she probably did the same thing when you were kids. So she an AH for constant complaining but not changing- just avoid the the conversation.
But you’re also an AH for judging everyone. You can easily show more care about them and be less judgmental, but you’re just being insensitive. Set your boundaries for the conversation and move on – and yes working night shift then carrying a toddler sounds horrible- your mom is deff helping out!