My (38F) sister Sadie (39F) has admittedly been through a lot. Her BF in college passed away from a type of rare heart attack, then her fiancee suddenly passed in 2017 from a blood clot. She was also living with our dad and stepmom while our stepmom battled and lost her life to cancer. She has seen and dealt with death more than most.
Over the summer we went to my grandma’s funeral She was the last grandparent, so emotions were high for everyone, including Sadie (mostly from memories of her fiancee’s funeral). She had snapped at the family several times for not giving her space, for not checking on her, for not asking what they could do for her, etc. She was all over the place with her emotions, and I guess an uncle snapped back at her, telling her to get her s\*\*\* together. I had already flown home before I saw any of this happen, but she was mostly upset that no one defended her against the uncle or even acknowledged it happened. She then told our parents and siblings that if we ever talk to those aunts and uncles again, it would be a huge betrayal to her. I figured she was over reacting and she would calm down in time.
Since then Sadie has gotten only angrier, saying that she was right that the family is cruel and selfish for not calling her, addressing what happened, or sticking up for her to the uncle. Recently, one of the aunts offered to come with us on our cruise to help with the kids, and Sadie exploded on me. For nearly a week she called to scream at me saying I’m just as bad as they are, that if I don’t tell them to cancel their tickets then she’s never speaking to us again, she’s cutting us off forever, and she doesn’t understand why we don’t care about her.
Because I didn’t see any of this happen, I’ve spoken to most of the family who were there and they all say they tried to give her space and she lashed out at them. But she’s spun this so out of control that she now thinks we’re all toxic and she needs to “protect herself” from us. And I just had a feeling something would happen with her during this trip, because for the last several get-togethers with her, she blows up about something and we end up apologizing for what offended her, just to get her to stop. I agree her feelings were hurt, but everything after that I feel like she made a mountain out of molehills. But should I have defended her? Where do we go from here?
NTA, your sister is being unreasonable. She forgot that everyone who was at the funeral lost your grandma, not just her.
But it sounds like she’s having a very hard time with everything that happened.
Plus the Uncle or his wife lost a parent.
she has unresolved grief and needs therapy
She needs serious therapy to deal with her outbursts. I hope you can convince her to try it. Good luck.
NTA!!! Sadie needs to seek counseling to address her anger. She is taking out her pain on everyone around her and doesn’t see how it’s destroying her most valuable relationships. It seems that she is so afraid of hurting that deeply again, she is pushing everyone away. I feel for her (I lost my mom recently), but she has to address this yesterday. It’s destroying all ties that she has in her life!
NTA, but she needs serious grief counseling.
So she made grandmas funeral about her. And she got mad at aunts and uncles. Some of them had probably just lost a mother. Has your sister always been self centered and demanding of attention? If it’s a pattern then she might just be a narcissist and you need to take steps to protect yourself and your kids. If it’s something new then she needs professional help. NTA
What’s the saying about narcissists? They’re the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral??
The cruise ship could confine her and can force her off at the next port. A bad idea to include her. That said, you have a seriously disturbed sister who may have had undetected issues before all these tragedies brought them to the surface. She needs a medical appointment and referral for help. And pressure needs to go on her. Coddling and acquiescing to keep the peace isn’t working.
NTA. Sadie has problems that aren’t going to be addressed by cutting people off, bowing to her demands, or defending her every time she snaps at someone. They will be addressed by her getting appropriate help to deal with her grief and anger. If she’s in therapy now, she may need to make changes. Get a new therapist, or start seeing a grief specialist. There may even be some issues like depression that aren’t being properly addressed. But however things are handled going forward, nothing will be fixed by appeasing her when she snaps, because eventually, that will lead to your family not wanting her around, and that will just make things worse.
NTA!!! Your sister needs some serious therapy, she is weaponizing her trauma and is trying to make everyone’s loss all about herself. I’m not a psychologist, but your sister seems to have a lot of narcissistic tendencies.
Cutting people off could be a subconscious attempt at distancing herself to avoid more losses in the future, but it absolutely does seem like Sadie has weaponized her grief and enjoys the attention it garners her, as well as the control it gives her over other people and their emotions. She will likely attempt to ruin every major future event bc she wants the attention to be focused solely on her and her pain (whether that pain is real or exaggerated). She needs the kind of help that only intensive therapy can provide.
NTA – Two things can be true at the same time. You can deeply love your sister. And still recognize that her behavior was making a painful situation (Grandma’s funeral) for the family even worse.
Sounds like your sister never healed from her past traumas, even though they were spread out over years. She definitely needs therapy and counseling! And if she won’t go, you could go yourself to learn how to best handle and help her.
But going on a cruise with her seems like a horrible idea.
NTA. The uncle who snapped at her was either grieving his mother or supporting his partner, who had just lost their mother. Sadie’s behaviour was drawing all the attention to her while he and the others were trying to mourn, and it was completely inappropriate. She was the asshole.
She’s likely traumatised by what happened to her fianceé, and this behaviour is a response to that. Especially if this is new and concerning behaviour. Either way, she needs grief counselling at the very least. Her situation is heartbreaking, and I feel for her. But she doesn’t get to act how she wants, nor can she dictate who you can and cannot spend time with.