I will try to keep it short but this may be long;
I was asked by a friends roommate about someone I used to be friends with. We separated many years ago but have been respectful and cordial in times we’ve seen each other. She had heard he was weird but didn’t know why, so she asked me.
I told her what happened, why I had stopped being friends with him. Mainly it boiled down to this person being arrested for selling drugs and questioned by police for selling girls pictures in high school and college, his bullying of a close friend and other weird behavior around sexual pleasure (person claimed to use a hole in their wall) and porn. He and I didn’t see eye to eye on things but I also said multiple times that I don’t know him now and he is likely very different. Most of it can probably be attributed to being a young dumb kid or at least explained that way.
This roommate confronted him about it and mentioned I had shared it, I did not know this would happen. He confronted me via text and accused me of lying and trying to “ruin his chance at a relationship” and having some sort of vendetta against him for something. He questioned what he did to me and why I felt a need to mention any of it at all, which I understand. I told him that I was asked about someone I knew before and was honest, but also honest that I don’t know if it’s relevant to him now and he’s most likely very different from how I knew him. I was not trying to be involved, I didn’t want to cause a problem, but I tend to answer questions as honest as I can while maintaining reality, in this case that I can’t speak to who he is now.
AITAH for saying anything? Is it right to have shared that information with her? I don’t feel like I neccesarily did anything wrong as it’s probably information that’s neccesary to know when dating someone but part of me reflects and feels it wasn’t my place to share it since I don’t know him now.
Eta: original judgement based on OP saying the former friend was accused of things making it sound like gossip.
NTA for honest history
_________
Y.T.A for mentioning anything thats hearsay and not a thing you know to be true, thats just gossip. Also, how long you haven’t known him matters.
A proper response really would have been, I haven’t talked to him in X years I can’t really tell you why people think he’s weird now. We stopped being friends because we didn’t see eye to eye about XYZ.
I should have clarified, theses are not rumors. He as questioned by the police for selling the photos and arrested for drug dealing. He showed me and my friends the hole in his wall in person and I was in group chats with him back when he was bullying the person in the group chat as well. Using slurs and insults to tear someone down.
You are NTA but this can be a learning opportunity about sharing sensitive information about others with people you don’t know well.
Unless it’s a close friend, you can’t trust people to be discrete, so only share what you would be comfortable with if it got back to the person in question. It can easily lead to drama like this, so choose carefully when you want to share information. Sometimes you might think it’s important and worth the risk, sometimes not.
NTA
Eh, if he’s a danger to women which is sort of sounds like he was if he was a total creep it’s pretty ok and actively nice to give her a heads up as long as you’ve included “it was ages ago and he’s hopefully changed” because lbr a lot of people were fucking freaks as teenagers and became normal in their 20s. Not “selling girls pictures” weird though so uhhhh fuck that guy honestly but “hopefully he’s changed” is a good sentiment to add and shows you lack active malice if you’re afraid of coming off as vindictive
NTA. You were honest when asked. You don’t owe this person anything.
Eh, NAH? I think you SHOULD tell a person that was becoming involved with him, but this was just a curious acquaintance who ”heard he was weird” so it seems to fall into the gossip side of discussion. He thought he had a chance with her though, so I maybe she needed to know.
I think that’s a fair judgement, thank you
NTA NTA NTA Not because of his prior behavior, but because of how he reacted. Angry texts, “lying”, “vendetta”… This guy still has emotional problems, and you saved that girl from having to deal with them. At least he’s focused on you and not on her.
As for talking about his past: be clear about whether it’s stuff you personally witnessed, like bullying your friend and claiming to use a hole in the wall for sexual pleasure, versus accusations like selling drugs / girls pics. Honesty and clarity are perfectly fine. She was probably just looking for some reason to explain her gut feelings.
NTA. Where there’s smoke, I’d wanna know about the smoke.
Fair enough
NTA though I wouldnt call selling drugs or sells girls pictures isn’t “young dumb kid” stuff, those are serious crimes he committed. If he was truely sorry for how he behaved he would have owned up to his past.
NTA The friends roommate is the one in the wrong for throwing you under the bus. There was no reason to say where they got that information. You passed along what info you had, things you knew, but also iterated that those were things from the past that may not be indicative of the person he is today. His immediate reaction to confront you via text in such an aggressive way seems to give credence to him not having changed. You might *consider* sharing this new info with the roommate and asking why they felt the need to “sell you out” after they sought you out for information. Also, be careful and keep the texts the guy sends just in case, better safe than sorry.
This! If I was the girl in question, I’d definitely want to know this information about a guy I am potentially thinking of getting involved with. But for her to directly share the information with him makes it seem like she’s not actually concerned with the type of person she is getting into a relationship with but rather just stirring up drama.
Did you say anything that wasn’t true? If you did then you’re in the wrong. But if it’s all true then he is the problem – he’s asking you to cover up for him.
NTA (unless you made it all up)