I (21F) am a college student with a part-time job. I live with my 23F sister, who is a nurse working three 7pm–7am overnight shifts a week, and her 24M boyfriend. We all live in Tx, my mom lives in Louisiana.
I’m currently on Christmas break. The only time all three of us could come home for Christmas together was Dec.18th–22nd. My sister and her boyfriend had to leave on the 22nd for work, but I planned to stay an extra week or two.
Earlier in the week, my mom asked in a group chat if we were coming home Thursday or Friday. I said Thursday afternoon or night. She was excited because she hadn’t seen us in over a month.
On Thursday, my sister got home from an insanely busy overnight shift around 9am and immediately went to bed. We originally planned to leave around 5–7pm, but she was still asleep and clearly exhausted.
While she was sleeping, my aunt and uncle (who I’m very close with) were in town briefly for a graduation and asked if I wanted to grab coffee or dinner to say hi before they left. I went, expecting we’d still leave later that night.
While I was with them, my mom texted asking when we were leaving, then called me. I didn’t see the call and missed it. When I noticed later, the call had already ended, and I planned to call her back once we were leaving. Around 7pm my sister woke up and called her.
Shortly after, my mom texted me upset, saying I wasn’t answering and that she felt unloved and ignored. She sent a long message saying she would continue paying my car note and insurance and give me $500 for tuition for Christmas, but after that she wouldn’t provide financial help anymore. She said she was done feeling unloved and that if I wanted to talk to her, I could reach out.
I apologized multiple times, explained I wasn’t trying to ignore her, and said I cared about our relationship. She said she didn’t want us coming home anymore and that she didn’t really want to see us anyway.
Despite that, we decided to come home Friday and planned to stay elsewhere if things got bad. Traffic was awful, and we didn’t arrive until around 8pm. She was immediately cold and passive-aggressive, giving one-word answers and avoiding conversation.
Later that night, we went to get food and I asked if she wanted anything. She agreed but acted irritated, rushed me out of her room, and gave me $20 for her food. When we got back about an hour later, she refused the food, complained it took too long, and said she paid for it anyway so there was nothing to thank us for.
This turned into a heated argument where she accused us of only being home for other family and presents, repeatedly said she “didn’t care” if we stayed or left, and wouldn’t answer directly if she wanted us there. She eventually told us to leave her room.
About five minutes later, my sister went back in, apologized for things getting heated, and said she loved her. My mom said “thanks, we’ll talk in the morning.”
I wasn’t trying to hurt her. AITA and what should I do going forward?
Is this unusual behavior for your mother? If so, something seems to be going on with her that is beyond your view.
I feel like this is common behavior for her. She acts like this with everyone in our family a lot of the time. Almost every holiday she gets into an argument with either my grandma or my oldest sister (40F).
Yes. YTAH. You told your mom that you would be there Thursday afternoon or night, and then you later planned without telling her to not even leave until 5 to 7 PM. And then knowing that you were not going to even leave at that late, you still did not give her any updated information. And then you didn’t call her back when you saw that she had called to give her any kind of updated information. When you finally spoke to her, she was very hurt and told you not to come and you decided to come anyway, and you didn’t even get there until 8 PM a full day after you were supposed to get there. And now you seem most upset that she’s not giving you financial support.
What you should do is give her some time to cool off, and treat her better. Telling her you’re going to be there in the afternoon or in the evening, and then declining to give her any more information when you know that your plans have changed is exceptionally rude, it seems like you do not really care about her time or her feelings.
I agree with the previous question, is this normal? Or are you finally realizing what she’s like? I say NTA. Maybe she really is tired of being used and a doormat, but if she isn’t talking to you and your sister, she’s the problem. She needs to be upfront if she’s feeling taken advantage of.
Here’s the thing, us Mom’s reach a certain age where we just absolutely cannot anymore. Mid 40’s or so… could be later or earlier. Perimenopause is a beast and she might need a specialist.
This is normal behavior that I feel like has been happening my entire life. Usually other people in my family , including me and my sister, tend to coddle her and give her what she wants to keep the peace and make everything better and almost appeal to her wishes. I feel like this is the first time we’ve actually tried to not coddle her and listen to what she says. For reference she told us not to come until Saturday or maybe even Sunday when our actual Christmas celebration is. We knew that she was probably speaking out of anger and didn’t mean it so we came anyway. I will also say I definitely need to put in more of an effort to talking to her because I don’t want her to feel like a doormat.
NTA, and I’m concerned that you don’t see this for what it is: manipulation. You shouldn’t have to put up with someone who acts like this all the time (as you indicated in another comment).
NTA. Your mom is going through something, and it likely has little to do with you. If it does, she’s simply taking an aggressive stance in empty nest syndrome. You are not required to be at your phone 24/7. Her not feeling loved is either true and a her-problem, or she’s saying this to be manipulative. Likely both are true.
It’s not up to you to fix her attitude. Be a good person, be kind. That’s all you can do. Whatever is going on with her is something she’s gotta fix.
Your mom has the emotional intelligence of a pinecone.
You might want to see if there is counseling available for you at school, because this kind of upbringing manifests itself in other parts of your life.
NTA
Do not degrade the noble pine cone by comparing it to OP’s mother.
This is why you tell parents less precise information as you get older, because you realize you’re not in control of all the strings
NTA
I hate lateness and not being informed of any changes to the agreed plan so I get where your mum is coming from. Sitting at home wondering where you are and whether or not you’re still coming and if you’re okay is no fun at all when a text or call would have reassured her.
On the other hand, when you all finally turned up, your mum behaved like a spoilt child way too long especially in the face of your reassurances and apologies. There’s upset and there’s milking it. Your mum did the latter.
I think you and your sister can do better and encourage you to do so. If your mum still wants to throw tantrums when fully informed of the arrangements then you will know for certain that the problem lies with her and not with you and your sister.
ESH.
ESH. You should’ve called earlier on Thursday to tell your mom y’all would be coming on Friday. That being said, your mom overreacted to your faux pas. My father was very controlling when I was in school and keeping him informed of my plans was always expected. However, he never threatened to pull his support – your mother is being manipulative.
NTA. Give your mom an award called “master manipulator”.