I really need some impartial input. So I (31F) was with my ex (31M) for 6 months. It got pretty serious pretty fast, was very intense. He was about to move in with me, was telling me he’d never felt this way about anyone etc. I’d confided in him about some heavy trauma involving my family which is why I’m doubting myself here. On the day in question, he was supposed to be picking me up from my mum’s house (who I go take care of a few nights a week after she suffered a major stroke). Well I’d asked him if he wouldn’t mind popping in for 10 minutes just to be polite before we left. He said "no, maybe another time". I asked him calmly why, and what was I meant to say to my mum who was expecting him to pop his head in. He told me to lie about the reason. After this I felt a bit…crappy so I said to him "I think I’ll just take the train home today, we’ll see each other tomorrow like we planned". It’s worth noting I hadn’t confirmed he was still coming this day yet.
Anyway, after I said this, he said he needed time to think about things, so I got very worried and asked him to please let me know if he meant he was reconsidering the relationship. No answer. He ghosted me for the entire weekend, then sent me a voice note telling me he can’t do this and has to walk away. At first I was so taken aback that all I said was "bring my key back". (Which he did, but left it on the ground outside). Then I asked if we could talk about it. He said the reason was because my family are "too dark" and he didn’t want to be around that anymore. Which, fair enough I can understand that. I told him I understood, and that my trauma wasn’t his burden to bear. But as time went on, it became clear that his real issue was me deciding to take that train. He said I "massively disrespected " him and "rejected his protection". He sounded so angry, acted cold, uncaring and nothing like the man I thought I knew. Like I said I fully understand why regarding my family, but what I don’t understand is if the reason was out of my control, why did he act like I was at fault?
I kept asking if he could just come and talk to me face to face to communicate properly about it all. But he wouldn’t even video call me properly (the one time he did after me begging, he just played Skyrim and faced the camera towards the TV). It just came out of NOWHERE to me, he’d been telling me the day before that he loved me more than ever, how happy we were gonna be living together etc. But I’m wondering if I am TA for asking that of him (popping in to mum’s) and deciding to take the train so we could both cool down. I fully accept if I’m in the wrong here I just need outside perspectives please, thank you.
NTA. You dodged a bullet here. This is not a good, reasonable man.
NTA and you dodged a bullet here. If he really loved you the way he claimed, he’d be giving you basic respect like a real conversation, not a view of his video game.
Count your blessings that he revealed himself before moving in
This is precisely what I keep ruminating over. If you love someone how can you so easily detach like it was nothing? At least I know my feelings were pure. Thank you
He’s punishing you to teach you not to disrespect him again (by asking him to do anything he doesn’t want to do, or needing your own space when he had other plans).
Once he “forgives” you, he will use it the next time you do anything he doesn’t like, because now he knows from all your crying and begging and pleading that he has you exactly where he wants you, and you’ll be so grateful for his attention when he lovebombs you again that you’ll never mention his poor behaviour again. This is an absolutely classic control mechanism. Please know that there is a pattern, and watch out for it.
You’ll probably make up this time (and the next), but I do want you to be wise to this sooner rather than later.
There will be no making up, I’ve blocked him everywhere now and cannot picture a future with him in it. I only wish I’d made this post sooner, instead of beating myself up convinced I was the problem. Thank you ❤️
NTA from what you describe he was looking for any reason to bail. Some people can proclaim their love and say sweet empty words one day and then bail at the slightest inconvenience the next. He sounds pathetic really.
You don’t go from legitimately loving a person to suddenly cold, uncaring, and rethinking everything over small disagreements and miscommunications like this. Sounds like his affections were shallow from the start. Quick to get hot and heavy, quick to cool off.
Adults talk about their issues and work through the problem(s). Imagine a life with someone who could instantly treat you this way out of nowhere. You’ll never feel secure with them, always wondering what small thing you might do or say that will make them disappear. Consider yourself lucky to have dodged this bullet.
I don’t agree. He wasn’t looking for a reason to bail; OP got worried and asked him about it and he’s leaning into that and punishing her. He doesn’t actually want to break up, he wants to teach her a lesson so she knows her place.
He’ll magnanimously forgive her in a little while, but he’ll continue to use it as a lever.
Nta, he sounds weird ngl.
NTA. “I love you forever right now.” Swinging that hot and cold is a sign of immaturity and impulse. The fact that he went straight to breaking up as opposed to talking about it or finding some resolution tells you the depth of his commitment. Sounds like you dodged a bullet here, because this was going to happen in some form at some point, so the earlier it happened, the better.
Let him go!
Do not take him back when he tries to come back on his 1st lonely night.
NTA
NTA, not for 1 second, you dodged a bullet, let him go and don’t look back. Even if he comes back later, don’t take him back.
If his love was so deep he could have said hi to your mom, he could have had a conversation with you, face to face about his concerns. Even about your family being dark, anything can be discussed, not agreed, it may as well have ended even if you met face to face and talked, but at least the respect to say a final goodbye to someone he said he loved a day before.
The line, you “rejected his protection” is a huge red flag. NTA.
NTA
and wow, this sounds like classic love-bombing. Look out up and see if it sounds familiar.
You guys moved incredibly fast and the first time you show independence, he freaks.
Do NOT take him back. Do NOT believe anyone who tells you that you did something wrong. You deserve better
NTA. “He said I “massively disrespected ” him and “rejected his protection”.” Nope. Time to just accept everything and move on. He’s throwing a tantrum because you didn’t obey him. The purpose of the tantrum is to make you apologize for doing nothing wrong. That’s controlling behavior.