I (18M) and my mom (57F) got into an argument about two days ago. It wasn’t about anything too serious, but what came out of that argument is what’s more important, and what spiralled into something worse.
We were preparing some food and at some point, she asks me to put the food in the oven. I take the food and place it inside the oven and as I’m about to shut the oven’s door she looks at me and shouts;
"Hey put that back there! What are you doing?!"
I feel quite confused but I take the food back from the oven and put it on the counter. I then look at her in confusion and she’s got this look on her face that tells me she doesn’t think she’s in the wrong. I ask her;
"Well why’d you ask me to put it in the oven if that’s not what you wanted me to do? And why this judgmental tone as if it was my fault when all I did was do what you asked me to do? You should apologize to me. It’s not my fault."
You could see she wasn’t too happy about that comment, and she told me how I misunderstood her because she had clearly said to put the food on a plate first and THEN put it inside the oven. I looked at her in confusion because I genuinely couldn’t recall hearing her say that. For some reason I kept arguing with her about that and thats totally on me. But then she asked me this;
"Do you really think it’s okay for your child to demand an apology from their parents?"
I tell her yes because to me it makes sense to seek an apology if you’re falsely accused for something you didn’t do, and that I think it is justified. Which in my case wasn’t obviously because apparently I had misheard her, even if there’s no real way to know if that’s true or not but I chose to believe her.
But anyways, she couldn’t believe that I thought it was okay, and told me how disrespectful it was to your parent to demand an apology from them, wether they’re right or wrong. And that it’s "just something you don’t ask". I couldn’t agree with her on that, and we argued for a while and just couldn’t find a common ground. It turned into something way more personal. We did, ultimately find a way to solve the issue, much more were said but thats not the main focus of this post.
Fast foward to now, I’m still kinda moved by the whole thing because a part of me still thinks its okay to demand an apology even to your parents if they’ve done something wrong. But my mom doesn’t think so at all. I can’t help now but feel uncomfortable around her and look at her differently, I feel pain, anger and sadness all at the same time.
But tell me, AITAH?
ESH.
I think you got defensive too fast. It was clearly a misunderstanding.
But you’re absolutely not wrong; parents should apologise when they’re wrong. That’s how they are supposed to teach us how to repair relationships.
Parents need to remember that their relationship with us is what we learn from to base our future relationships on, and if we’re supposed to apologise, then so do they.
NTAH apart from being 18 and not a child, your parent should be leading the way and showing you how to apologise. You shouldn’t have had to ask, at any age. You did the right thing and she should come forward now with a double apology.
NTA. Yes, it is 100% okay to expect an apology from a parent (anyone for that matter) if they’ve been in the wrong.
Your mom probably never heard a sorry in her life from her parents, because that’s how the older generations are.
You might not be able to convince your mom, but remember this if you ever decide to have kids. Saying sorry to your kids when you were in the wrong is good parenting! It shows them respect and care.
I (30f) also never ever heard an apology from both my parents. I say sorry to my kid everytime I was in the wrong. It feels good to do so. And she clearly feels respected, but respects me too.
Yes you can want an apology but demanding one from anyone is just asking for escalation. Just state what you think happened and why, and walk away. Forced apologies are useless.
Thank you thats what I think too now looking back on it. If i was in her place I wouldnt like being pressured to apologize. And she also did communicate to me how she’d prefer me coming back to the situation and to explain to her why this or that mightve hurt me etc.
NTA
But don’t hold your breath.
Most people (including parents) are more interested in being seen as right, instead of doing the actual right thing, especially when doing the actual right thing will inconvenience them or embarrass them.
Learn to pick your battles. This is not worth it because it won’t change anything.
NAH. I don’t think it’s absolutely forbidden to demand apologies from your parents if they’ve crossed the line, but what transpired here is so trivial that demanding an apology for it seems like a power play designed to humiliate your parent. You’re family. Within families, people are more at ease with each other, and you often can assume the other person loves you, knows you and understands your heart, so the rules that govern social interaction often don’t apply.
I have never once asked my parents for an apology. I point out when they are wrong, they hear me, and then we let it go. I understand they acknowledge the mistake in their heart, and that’s enough. Later on I can see their behavior is different, so I know they are sorry about what happened and will try not to do it again. Why force them to grovel to me? So I can feel important? To satisfy a narcissistic need to be dominant in the relationship?
Your family might be different, but yeah in mine it would definitely feel disrespectful and wholly unnecessary.
Thank you this is a nice reply. I do believe our dynamic works like that too. I feel immature now reflecting back on it and can understand how it might’ve made her feel like I was trying to overtake the power/humiliate her. I want to do better, I need to learn to let go
NTA
I’m a 52 year old mother of 4 & a grandmother of 1. How the fuck does she expect you to learn about taking responsibility and owning up to mistakes if she won’t?
I apologize to my kids if I messed up. I’m not a perfect mom, so my kids should know that I can admit to mistakes and apologize for them. It’s called being a good example.
Your mom should try parenting.
I understand how it may seem. I’m sorry I think i forgot to mention something important, my mom DOES own up to her mistakes and apologize without having me to ask her to. Thats the thing that ticks her off tho, the fact that I ASKED for an apology. But other then that, my mom doesn’t have much trouble telling me sorry when she knows shes in the wrong. Its more the fact that she thinks that by demanding an apology I’m trying to overpower her.
She isn’t doing overpowering she is literally not shifting parent child dynamic which she doesn’t have to
YTA.
Parents should apologise indeed but you are in the wrong here. You already explained you didn’t hear it , that doesnt mean your mother hasn’t said it.
Neither can you actually say she accused you just for tone . And that tone ? That’s not up for you to decide. It’s also strange that you think you can keep arguing with your mother when truly it’s just a small misunderstanding from your behalf. Pretty much you are accusing your mother here for being wrong. She doesn’t need to apologise, you do. Judgemental tone my ass , she literally ASKED you what you were doing. You also literally accuse her on tone alone… like who is truly judgemental here ?
I think the issue is you straight out demanding one instantly. That’s just going to piss people off and ensure they dig their heels in