This happened like 2 years ago, but I’ve recently started rethinking and re-evaluating the situations and I wonder if I was actually in the wrong.
At the time, my best friend (24M) and I (23M) were super super close. We used to see each other almost every day or at least 4-5 times a week.
Two years ago I found out my mother had cancer. This hit me very hard, espacially because I’ve always had a complicated relationship with her, and it brought up a lot of emotions and unresolved things. I becam extremly anxious and could’nt leave my flat for about 3 weeks.
I told my friend immediatly when I got the news. He told me he was sorry, but that was pretty much it.
During those weeks, I ended up canceling 3 or 4 plans we had with him and other friends (including a weekend trip to a lake), sometimes last minute, because I genuinely didn’t feel mentally able to go out or socialize.
After those two or three weeks, I noticed that my friend had started to distance himself: very few messages, sometimes none at all, and no check-ins.
Eventually, he sent me a long message saying he was very angry. He said I had done nothing but cancel plans, that I was being selfish, that I wasn’t thinking about others, and that if this continued, he would stop inviting me altogether.
At the time, I immediately felt guilty and responsible. I apologized and told him it wouldn’t happen again. The very next day, I forced myself to go out clubbing with him, even though I was still feeling awful mentally. It ended up being one of the worst nights I’ve had.
After a few more weeks, I slowly started to feel better and things went back to “normal” between us. However, he never once asked how I was doing afterward, nor how my mother was doing.
We are no longer friends today. He often reproaches me for being selfish and only thinking about myself and my own needs without considering his.
Now, with that in mind, I feel like maybe I wasn’t totally in the wrong but I’m not sure if I’m biased.
So, AITA?
I cancelled plans constantly when my dad had cancer. Your emotions are everywhere and your friends should understand that or they’re not your friends
Sorry you had to go through that too.. Yeah, looking back, I totally realize I was kinda alone with that at the time.
You definitely did nothing wrong. You did what was necessary for your own sanity at the time. If people don’t understand that, it’s a them problem ♥️
NTA. If these people were truly your friends, they’d have understood the gravity of the situation.
NTA. What a real friend would do would be to continue to invite you so that you know you were included, but have zero expectations for you ever to show up. My dad‘s wife’s son passed away suddenly years ago and we still have this set up for her and we never take it personally.
INFO: What do you mean about having a complicated relationship with your mother? What was expected of you in learning your mom had cancer? Like, I understand why this hit you hard and changed your level of energy for socializing, but I’m trying to understand more about the impact on you – were you visiting her more, involved in her care, etc.?
NTA. And no, you are not the selfish one in this situation, either. Your friend is. He isn’t even really your friend from what you’re saying, so I’m glad you’re no longer friends today.
You were in an extremely difficult situation and not once did he ever consider that you needed support and space to feel what you feel. All he ever thought of was how you cancelling plans made HIM feel and how it affected HIM. Never did he wonder about your emotional state that was causing you to cancel plans in the first place.
I guess I’ve been lucky because in times when I’ve been emotionally all over the place, I had friends who were kind enough to either give me space or be with me to provide community. You are definitely NTA.
NTA. you are not selfish and any good friend or decent human being would understand that you are going through a lot. it’s more important to take care of yourself in this case ❤️
Thank you 💖
NTA at all. A cancer diagnosis is like a bomb exploding in your life. You needed grace from your “friend” and didn’t get it. Sometimes people don’t understand, sometimes they are just assholes. Your ex-friend is an asshole.
Btw, I don’t know anyone who hasn’t lost someone when they got a cancer diagnosis. As in friends/family just vanish because dealing with someone else’s cancer is just too hard for their delicate feelings. Me-my best friend basically ghosted me when I got cancer.
NTA. you were going through so much. He should have made more effort to do things just with you. This friend isn’t the best.
NTA. You’ve probably already noticed this, but it’s pretty richly ironic that the person who gave you zero support during a tough time, and shows zero understanding and compassion for your not wanting to hang out and socialize at the time, is now accusing *you* of being selfish and not considering his needs.
OP: NTA. Friend: childish AH and not much of a friend. At a time when what he should have been doing was to tell you that he would be there for you if you needed him then given you some space, all he could do was give you a diatribe about how fearing for your mother was selfish?