Hi all!
So I 25F every year get into an argument with my older brother M32 every year over the Christmas holidays because my brother comes over and he says that nobody is there to recieve him.
For context: My older brother has been emancipated since the age of 16 and prior to that he was sent to a correction facility due to aggressive behavior caused by our grandma (our legal guardian) and long story short she was super abusive to the both of us. She would make a habit of telling us that our "mother abandoned us because she didn’t love us", when in reality it’s was because she was getting treatment for her mental illness.
This caused my brother to develop a anger towards the world and our mother. I also want to mention that my mom is the sweetest most loving person in the world and endures the disrespect that my brother gives her because she loves him. As a kid the responsibility of taking care of my brother (I have always been more emotionally mature) would fall on me and as a result I didn’t get to have a childhood.
My family also has a habit of coddling my brother and then when he becomes spoiled suddenly the responsibility falls on me to "give him the talk". I’ve been doing this since 2011 and honestly I’m tired of it.
Now for the story my brother started complaining that he is "stressed" because comes over ever year and he always ends up bored and alone. My brother lives in the UK and he travels to see his family. Normally he stays here for 2 weeks and usually I’m working at this time and so are other of my family members. 2 days ago I ended up having a conversation with him about why he keeps complaining so much and his response was "nobody is ever available when o come on holiday. If I wanted to be by myself I would have stayed in the UK". My response "look I get it, but the world doesn’t revolve around you . People have jobs to do, bills to pay and a life to sustain. That doesn’t stop just because you are here. If you want to come over from Christmas you need to accept that things are like they were back when we where kids".
Even though my brother is 32 he lacks a lot of self awareness and emotional maturity and often can become quite sensitive when you are too blunt with him. Believing that "people don’t care about me because they never spare time for me"
So am I the AH?
I’m sorry, did you say it was your job to take care of your brother growing up? Your brother that is 7 years older than you?
I didn’t get this either, especially since the brother was emancipated at 16, when OP was 9.
NTA, not at all. You actually seem like the kind of person you describe your mother as, sweet and kind. So please, don’t think of yourself as the asshole.
Your brother…Here in the US you are considered a legal adult at the age of 18. So IMO, he has had 14 years to get all the help he needs to overcome these issues of being self absorbed and self centered. That he doesn’t see a problem isn’t on you; that your family spoils him and allows this behavior on a yearly basis is unconscionable.
Maybe you need a break from family come the holidays. Maybe you should do something special for yourself and get away from the annual toxic display.
NTA but also why does he schedule his visits at all if he knows y’all gonna be busy?
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Nta your brother needed to hear that. In response to people asking why you were parenting your older brother I want to say that is not uncommon. Some parents push responsibilities on their children. It is not right but it happens a lot. My sister is 4 years older than I am and it was my job to take care of her. She was spoiled by my parents. If she did something wrong I got in trouble for not stopping her. When she got her driver license I always had to go with her if she was going to drive without a parent. One time she got the car stuck and I had to get it out and drive home. She was 16 and I was 12. Some parents just really suck. I am very low contact with my sister and parents due to this.
NTA, your brother sucks and needs counselling.
they expect YOU to deal your OLDER brother when he acts up?? NTA at all, he’s been coddled enough and needs a good wakeup call. i know he’s had a rough past but he’s 32!
There’s absolutely no reason for most of these quite judgmental posts from folks who has no understanding of childhood trauma, patriarchal stunting of male emotional development, and knowing when to simply read and scroll past
When were you supposed to take care of your brother? When you were 2 and he 9? 5 and 13? 7 and 15?
NTA
The only thing you’re guilty of is setting boundaries. Your family wants you to set yourself on fire to keep your brother warm. Keep doing what you’re doing.
NTA, but why isn’t he in therapy? This is above you as an untrained family member. You both should be recieving some form of help to push past your childhood traumas, if you haven’t yet. I will also say that everyone has different experiences with family members. I’m not saying your mom is mean to him when they are one on one, but I am saying that if she isn’t coddling him like the rest of your family then that very well could be something that has been aggravating his childhood wounds. It sounds like he is still at the point where he throws tantrums to get his needs met which can be part of a specific developmental stage in children who aren’t having certain needs met. He clearly needs to work through the parts of himself that were stunted.
Also as a reminder: talk therapy isn’t the only form of therapy available. It’s super important to look at various options and try out any that seem like a good fit, shop around for the right psychologist, and find peace. I wish you both the best of luck
NTA – I’m not going to get into your or his traumatic childhoods, because I think that’s over the pay grade of Reddit.
But even in non-traumatized, well-functioning families, 2 weeks is an awfully long time to entertain someone. Seems like some of that could be your brother’s responsibility. Is he coming back to where he grew up? Could he spend some of that time looking up old friends and hanging out with them here and there? Or maybe he should just come back for 1 week instead of 2.