I am in my mid-thirties and have known this person for several years through overlapping social circles. We are not particularly close, but we have interacted on and off over time.
Recently, we started talking again and occasionally discussed meeting up for coffee or casual hangouts. I began noticing a consistent pattern. When I suggested meeting, they were usually busy, tired, or vague about plans. When they suggested something, there was an expectation that I would be flexible and make time.
At first, I assumed it was just normal scheduling issues. Over time, it became clear that the effort was uneven. I felt like I was adjusting my availability and expectations more than they were.
Instead of bringing it up directly, I chose to stop initiating plans and simply respond when they reached out. I did not ignore them or act rude. I just stopped compensating for the imbalance.
As a result, communication slowed significantly.
Recently, they commented that I seemed distant and asked if something was wrong. I replied that I have been busy and focusing on other priorities, which is accurate. Still, I am wondering if not addressing it directly makes me unreasonable
.
AITA for matching the level of effort instead of continuing to adjust myself to keep things going?
Don’t expect people to read your mind. Especially clueless self-centered people.
Yeah, that’s on me. I avoided the conversation instead of being direct. So, AITA?
I’m going with NTA, would a conversation lead anywhere good? I doubt it, I find sometimes it’s better to be aloof than make people defensive. Leaves the door open for the future.
Slightly YTA to yourself becasue you had an opportunity to either drasticly improve your relationship with this person by communicating issues when asked, or if thier response was shitty you know you could move on.
NTA since you’re not that close to begin with- although you meet up for coffee and hang outs so it feels like there’s a bit of a disconnect there. Also by the time I was in my mid 30s I would have had no patience for this vibe and no desire to bring up behavior with someone I’m only socially casual with.
NTA
You don’t owe anyone a relationship, or an explanation.
If it’s been a consistent pattern then no, I wouldn’t say you’re an asshole.
But if someone constantly declines my offer to hang out, I will probably just tell them that they should get ahold of me when their schedule is better. And then leave it up to them.
Slight YTA. It sounds like you are willing to let go of this friendship without communicating, and it sounds like they don’t under why your dynamic is changing because it’s always been this way. It sounds like the issue could be resolved if you let them know that the original dynamic isn’t working for you. If you want to be their friend, you should talk to them. It also sounds like the understanding that you would ‘be the flexible one and make time’ is also due to a miscommunication. Did this person actually say you have to be this way in order to hang out? Or did you just move things around to see them, and then resent them for it?
Nta you barely hang or talk to this person. Just go on about your life and if you guys hang, cool. if not, cool. I’m sure theirs other people in your life you can use this energy on.
NTA, I wouldn’t be comfortable saying you are an AH because of this. But I do think you could have had a better outcome if you’d told your friend directly what the problem was. They may not be able to see the pattern at all and may be thankful to be told so they can change. I’ve done this twice in life – once to a casual friend who I vibed with quite well. She heard me and understood, didn’t overreact, but subsequently did stop contacting me. That was a bit sad but ultimately I think she knew she wasn’t able to do it, so she backed out, and I’m okay with that.
The other friend is still a good friend to this day and she has thanked me sincerely multiple times for talking to her about it because it helped her change her ways. Someone who tells you the truth (in a good way), can be absolutely invaluable in life.
NTA if they aren’t putting in the effort to meet up and hangout than it’s fine if you dish out the same back to them. If people ask about it say that ”I planned to meet up for coffee a few times but they had a lot going on“ and “when they’re available we can come up with a plan”.
anyways, no you’re NTA I do this with some of my friends, because it’s better than it being one sided.
I wouldn’t put myself out there for someone like that so I think you handled it well. If someone wants to get closer to you, they know how to
NTA