I, 19F, decided after graduating this year that I would move out before receiving any of my university offers or deciding what I would do come my academic career next year, and get a place closer to where I attended high school & friends live, and have my casual job (over an hour away from home, that offers 35hr weeks and better pay than a job in my hometown).
For background my home life was very rocky growing up (no details but think conservative Australian household) and when my sister, 18F at the time, mentioned moving out my grandmother, 65F, absolutely blew up and ‘kicked her out of the house’ according to my sister (I wasn’t present at the time, also important to note that the house is my grandmother’s and my mother, sister and I live there). Because of this I stayed quiet about my plans to move out in between Christmas and New Year’s.
When I came home for my 19th birthday a few days ago both my mum (39F) and grandmother got into an argument about me being late to my own birthday lunch in front of my best friend and her boyfriend (who had driven 3hrs to see me). I was an hour late and told them I was possibly going to be late the day before as I work crazy night hours as a bartender and thus have a mostly nocturnal sleep schedule, with chronic fatigue making it hard for me to wake up some days. My grandmother said (paraphrased for simplicity’s sake) that I needed to ‘get my ass into gear and wake up early, that it doesn’t matter if I clock off at 3am I should be up by 10am and coming home to help with jobs around the farm and that I was being lazy and wasting my time/life’. (I’m still staying in a dormitory like rental right now and driving over an hour one-way every time I go home). In the heat of the moment I said back to her that it doesn’t matter if she thinks I’m being ‘lazy’ and I don’t need to fix my sleep schedule as I’ll be moving out within two weeks anyways so it doesn’t matter.
Since then she’s almost completely cut contact with me and has been cold every time I’ve gone home, and keeps grilling me on where I’m moving, my housemate, future plans etc. My mum, who also didn’t know I had concrete plans to move out, says I was being an asshole by dropping it in an argument with her despite the fact I said I was originally just going to get my stuff and move out the same day I was going to tell her I was leaving. My grandma has also mentioned that if I’m so insistent on moving out I shouldn’t come to the family Christmas lunch OR dinner, whilst at the same time she is saying she wants me to attend (they know I’m working Christmas Eve but not Christmas Day).
It’s kind of too late for me to back out on renting this house as I have a housemate already lined up, have bought furniture and knickknacks etc, and I’m very excited for independence.
So, AITA in this situation? Should I apologise? Is my grandma and mum right and I should’ve given them a heads up on me moving???
NTA
Do what you need to, decline to engage in debate about your choices
NTA. Honestly, sounds like u dodged a major bullet there, mate. They gotta respect ur decisions n let u live ur life. Bit rough dropping it mid-argument, but I get it, sometimes things just blurt out. You’re only doing what’s best for u. Stand ur ground n keep on truckin’! Good luck with the new digs!
NTA. You’re 19 and making adult moves. your sleep schedule and life choices aren’t your grandma’s business. Dropping the news in an argument wasn’t ideal, but you weren’t lying or sneaky, just protecting yourself from drama. Your excitement and independence matter more than their entitlement to control your life.
NTA
You’re in a no-win situation here. No matter when or how you told them, they were going to blow up at you.
It sounds like your grandmother has made the error of thinking that because you are “the child” that she gets to tell you what to do. Your parent’s and grandparent’s job was to teach you critical thinking and life skills. Now, as an adult, you get to exercise those.
If they want a relationship with you, they need to start treating you as an adult, not a child. (Source- I have 3 adult children, who all still love to come back home and catch up.)
NTA, You’re an adult and you can live where it suits you best. If you had a loving and supportive family I bet you would have told them sooner. You not telling them is a reflection of their own behaviour and the relationship they built with you, so they can only be mad at themselves.
Don’t apologize, don’t debate, don’t explain. I bet your life feels a lot more peaceful once you have your own place.
NTA, but please realize that your grandmother sounds like she has major control/aggression issues, and you are unlikely to make her happy no matter what you do.
Move out. Make your way. She will either come around or not, but don’t hold yourself back waiting on her to turn into a reasonable person. You might be waiting forever.
NTA, your grandmother and mother sound like obsessive controlling people who don’t want you to have your own life. Go low for a bit and let them realize they can’t.
So, this might be unpopular, but you are a little bit the AH. I was in a similar situation when I turned 18. I moved into an apartment with my best friend. I did tell my parents I was leaving, but only right before I did. I had a cousin and some friends help me. We had to face the cold, accusing glare from my mother the whole time. It was hard. It hurt. But this me taking a step into becoming an adult. It is a life lesson. You will have to learn to face adversarial relationships and where better than home, where you already have a feeling for how people will react? Be strong and give yourself the benefit of knowing YOU were the adult in this situation. Good luck! I am excited for the next chapter in your journey.
If you are like me, there are times that I lay down and start thinking about things, or may be restless and can’t fall asleep right away.. Basically, you are only getting 7 hours of sleep a day at best on her schedule, and could be worse.. Asking you to not get a decent night sleep is wrong.. If you were sleeping 10 to 12 hours a day, I could see the lazy part more.. As for the birthday lunch.. That was a schedule that they set up, not you.. You told them that you might be late, and they still put a time down that they knew was not good for you.. This was just a AH thing to do from the start..
It sounds like they are very controlling and want to know everything.. And when they don’t get their way, they get mad and push the blame onto someone else.. My family is like that too, which is why y don’t talk to them.. Do what’s best for you and keep your peace. NTA
The only way I would say you were being the AH is if you living with them, you had a rental and were splitting the bills and you put them in a spot by just moving out without notice.. But from what I understand, this is an owned house and there are no contracts or leases.. so NTA IMO.
Nta get out as quickly as you can
NTA- Leave while you can!
NTA!!!!!
Based on their previous actions it was safer to wait. NTA.