For the last four years I (41F) have hosted a small Christmas dinner at my and my husband’s house. it’s usually me, my husband, my childhood friend, her bf, and sometimes my MIL.
3 years ago my BIL came to live with us, and things were fine. Except when it comes to food. the first Christmas he was here, two days before the chrismas he took half the ham I had bought for dinner. when I talked to him about it, he shrugged it off and said he thought he was "part of everyone", which he is, but he doesn’t participate in the family gathering. he stays in his room until everyone leaves. So last year and the year before I told him "please don’t open/take the ham before christmas dinner, I want to make sure there is enough for everyone" (I get the honey baked ham half ham, which isn’t big). but he takes the ham anyway, and doesn’t say anything, so it’s a surprise when there is half missing.
I have a mini fridge in my home office, so I was thinking to stop him from eating the food early, I should put it in the mini.
This isn’t the only issue we’ve had with food. Usually when he needs food he will make a list and give us his CC, and we will go to the grocery store and buy what he wants, but he will still steal food we bought for ourselves ( mostly my food).
So, AITA for hiding the ham to stop him from eating it early?
My lawdy, you sound like my SIL. No, you are NTA for having to hide what you pay for and are preparing for the family and friends that he is not contributing to.
In fact, I would recommend getting a fridge with a latch and a lock to make a point. It’s not his food. He wants it, he can quit being Golem and deal with the other hobbits. If that’s too much for him, he can be a good introvert and wait until after the event to get into the leftovers or provide you his CC for his own honey baked ham. There are options, he’s just choosing the laziest, most inconvenient for everyone method he can, even after being spoken to.
I don’t know how you or my SIL do it. As an introvert, I couldn’t handle my in-laws of any kind living in the house for more than a couple of weeks to get on their feet. Even a weekend takes its toll on me. For years, leeching… nope. I’d be not so politely turning them curbside to live with their other family members or friends.
BIL is worse than Gollum. Gollum wouldn’t eat the baked ham. It’s not raw and wriggling.
I would have been buying a lock after the first *week* of this nonsense, never mind waiting until he steals the Christmas food. It’s mostly OP’s food he steals, mind, and this happens to women a lot.
I don’t care if he whines about being embarrassed, humiliated, or living in a ‘hostile atmosphere’. He can grow up and keep his hands to himself.
NTA. padlock your fridge.
Time for BIL to move out! He’s being rude, disrespectful, and a pig. He’s have my boot print on his ass as I would kick him out the door.
Buy him his own ham with his credit card
Why in all that is holy are you buying his food?!!! He gives you a list and takes yours? So he’s both lazy and disrespectful, well and a thief. Your husband needs to kick him out.
He pays for his food, but still steals MY food. not my husband’s. and I will even ask him if he wants us to pick up some for himself ( using his card ofc), but he says no and then proceeds to steal mine.
don’t get me wrong, if he would ask, I’d most likely give it to him, but he just takes it. And trust me, I’ve told my husband that we could send him to an assisted living place, but my husband doesn’t want him to feel rejected.
He is being an asshole to you and very disrespectful. As is your husband that he allows his brother to treat you like this IN your own house!
Either way, NTA hiding the food, but I feel like you must have glossed over some disability here if you are talking about assisted living.
How does your husband address the food stealing, especially Christmas ham?
Perhaps you could get some brochures on assisted living facilities for your husband to view, or you could look at them online with him. There are many wonderful facilities that offer a dynamic recreation program (arts, crafts, exercise classes, swimming, music therapy, etc.) that your BIL might really enjoy. BIL will be interacting with other adults in a safe and welcoming environment with access to many activities he may not be participating in now.
Please share my comments with your husband if you think it might help.
You need to sit your husband down and ask him if he is ok with you feeling rejected. Let him know there’s a limit to how long you will live like this so either you work together to find an assisted living facility for your BIL or you’ll start getting your things in order to leave. He can prioritize his brother over his wife if that’s how he wants to live but it will have consequences.
NTA but… what does your husband say about this? This is HIS brother stealing from you guys. He should be the one to grow a backbone (does he need some? I got extra) and deal with him. Or you can take BIL’s credit card, go buy yourselves a full-sized fridge, and keep it locked. EDITED to shit on your husband a little more: Why is he ALLOWING his brother to STEAL his wife’s food?
The fact that he steals mostly your food (beyond the Christmas food) shows you exactly what he thinks of you. Why is your husband ok with his brother thinking he is higher in the pecking order than you under your own roof? Why is he not addressing the fact that his brother is sabotaging a family event? Even further, why is BIL still living with you if he can’t be respectful?
NTA.