So, I (16M) had some friends (16-18M) over at my house last weekend and I mentioned at one point how much I hated being single (I think it was prompted by a couples reel or smthn) so I asked my friend Thomas (18M) to stop my phone screen scrolling through instagram follow suggestions and he stopped it on his sister (16F), this is where the joke started about me “going out” with his sister. Later that night another one of my friends showed up and I told him about the joke and he joined in saying he was gonna “go out” with one of Thomas’ cousins. At this point I could kinda tell Thomas was a little uncomfortable but I was just messing with him and so was my other friend and he seemed to just shrug it off every time. However, as the night went on the joke kept coming up as we played Cards Against Humanity but Thomas seemed to be laughing along whenever it did. But ever since then he’s been ghosting me and I know he’s still on his phone because he posts a story and a note practically every day, I’ve asked him when we should plan the next hangout to no response (on opened) and he’s stopped sending me streaks. It was a little confusing at first but yesterday I asked if he wanted to hop on Mincecraft and he basically said that he didn’t because of the jokes about his sister over the weekend. I haven’t talked to him since and I’m not planning on apologizing for some dumb joke that he never mentioned being annoyed with in any serious way. Was I being an Asshole? Am I still being one by not apologizing?
YTA
he is mentioning now that he was uncomfortable. It seems like you had a running joke through out the evening that he was not okay with, but tried to play along.
If you want to keep being his friend apologize. Even if you think it was just a dumb joke. Maybe it was not just a dumb joke to him.
YTA – it may be a dumb “silly” joke but it upset your friend. If you actually care about your friend, you’d just say sorry about making the jokes and making him uncomfortable.
Just say sorry man what the hell it doesn’t cost anything
Soft YWBTAH if you don’t apologise *and* he explains why he’s upset. But let me explain so you can think about it.
Sometimes it’s tricky to be honest about how you feel about a joke when in a group situation. If there’s a risk that it might make people take the piss out of you more then you’re not going to say anything. If he is genuinely upset over this, he might be scared to mention it, or too annoyed to explain why.
It sounds like right now you’re worried that he’s upset with you and are acting defensively to protect yourself. That’s understandable but it’s not going to get your mate back.
The way to fix this is pretty simple. Message him and ask: “are you upset with me for the jokes about your relatives?” If he says yes, you say “I’m sorry for joking about it, I didn’t realise it upset you. I thought it was just a laugh but I see now that it hurt your feelings”. The only caveat to this is if he doesn’t explain why. In that case you’re off the hook because it’s his responsibility to explain why he’s upset with you. Blanking someone doesn’t fix anything.
*TLDR;* At the end of the day he’s your mate. We don’t set out to be AHs to our friends but sometimes it happens. When that happens, showing some empathy goes a long way. You apologise, you move on. But it’s a two way street.
ETA: I’ve just reread your post and seen that he’s already explained why he’s upset. If you want your friend back it’s on you now my guy. Apologise, it doesn’t actually cost anything and your friend will appreciate you being kind.
This is so correct, I just have to second this take
YTA, if he and all the guys there made the same jokes about your mom or another close relative throughout the night would it still be funny? If the answer is no, apologize to your friend.
You know very well YTA. You don’t have to apologise, but don’t act like you don’t know you need to.
YTA
Take a moment of self reflection. You are young and 16 and have your whole life ahead of you. And you learned a life lesson right now: Don’t make jokes about people’s families. And if you mess up, apologize.
Do you really think you are going to have meaningful relationships, close friends, and be a good person if you never apologize when you made a mistake? Have you ever met someone who refuses to apologize, even when they are wrong? Yeah, they are lonely and miserable because every meaningful friendship or relationship they had exploded in their face because they never apologized.
YTA
Did both parties laugh? No? So you know what to do.
You’re 16 so it’s understandable that you’re still immature.
However, an important lesson in being an adult (one that not all adults learn, unfortunately) is that your intentions don’t matter. You hurt someone so you should apologise, it’s as simple as that.
>At this point I could kinda tell Thomas was a little uncomfortable but I was just messing with him
This. This point right here. The moment you notice someone is even the slightest bit uncomfortable, and your response is to shrug it off because “it’s just a joke” makes you a major AH. It also doesn’t matter if it was just a dumb joke to you. It doesn’t matter if you didn’t intend to upset him. If you actually care about this friendship, you will apologize. It’s not going to hurt you to acknowledge that, while you didn’t mean to, you and your other friends made him uncomfortable. Take some accountability and try to be a better friend. YTA
YTA that is a gross and insensitive thing to say. She is a little girl. It’s not just some stupid little joke. If this is you as a teen, you are going to be a miserable adult who pushes people away with your “humor”.
Yta, you don’t have to apologize, and he doesn’t have to hang with you( or like you).