I have 3 sons, Michael (35), Jonah (30), and Logan (20). After Logan moved out for college last year I moved 6 hours away, near Michael and his family, both for the lower cost of living and to be near my grandkids.
Michael and his wife, Nadia, have 4 kids (8, 6, 3, and 3). I watch the kids from 11:30 to 3:30 4 days a week while Nadia works and the kids spend the night 1-2 times a month so Michael and Nadia can have a date night.
Nadia confirmed that I could take the kids overnight for New Year’s Eve last month. I made plans for one of my good friends to bring her grandkids over. We had a pizza and movie night with bottomless ice cream and lots of candy.
Logan told me at the beginning of this month that he’ll stay with me for winter break instead of his father. A few days ago he told me he wanted to have some friends over for New Year’s Eve. I told him that was fine but I had the kids so they could use the finished basement as long as there wasn’t drinking or loud music.
He asked why I’d babysit when I knew he was visiting. I told him that Nadia confirmed this with me long before he told me he would be here. He says I should’ve canceled when he told me that he was going to be here because Michael’s family gets me every day but he only sees me a few weeks a year and even then he’s not able to make plans because I have the kids.
I understand why he’s upset but I’m not sure if I’m wrong for babysitting.
INFO: Have you been spending time with just Logan after the grandkids leave? Or do you only hang out with him when the grandkids are around, because then he might think that you’re favoring them.
I’m gonna say NTA.
It seems like you never really felt up to dealing with being an empty nester. Which isn’t a moral failing on your part. I think it’s great you get to spend so much time with your grandkids, and you were able to make New Year’s Eve fun for them and some other kids. And I’m sure Michael and Nadia appreciate getting to have an adult New Year’s Eve. Having four kids can’t be easy.
I also get where Logan’s coming from. Because you do spend a ton of time with those grandkids, and he doesn’t get to see you often. I don’t know what your family dynamics are like but if you really moved to be with Michael’s family right after he left for college, maybe he’s feeling kind of replaced. But the fact that his comments are being spurred by him not being able to have the party he wants with his friends seems like it’s not so much about family time. There might be some real hurt mixed in there too, though. Again, I don’t know what your relationship is like.
NTA. If he wants one on one time with you then you can do that when the little ones are with mom and dad. Was he just mad that they couldn’t drink on NYE at your house?
NAH. He is used to being the baby, and not used to having to share you. You are now used to planning for yourself with the information you have available at the time. He needs to understand that the world no longer stops just because he entered the room. I say this coming from the youngest child perspective.
I hope you all have a happy and healthy new year!
Not the AH. Your son’s argument is disingenuous. He wants you to cancel the one night you have the grandkids during his break so he can have his party, but is using “spending time with you on his break” to guilt-trip you into doing it.
I assume he’s home for about three weeks, and this one day/night is preventing him from having any quality time with you the whole time?
Even If he was only there for one week, it’s hypocritical of him to ask for OP to cancel on the kids for a time he plans to spend with friends anyway. Two separate parties can take place at the same time at two different levels of the house.
NTA but as a younger child I can understand your kid. While he sounds wrong he is far less mature than his brothers and he might even feel neglected. I’d try to at least sit down with him and understand his feelings towards the family. Being from a similar situation I can guarantee my relationship with family is horrible/non existent nowadays because I was neglected and my parents never cared to change or understand it.
So let me get this straight. He’s mad because you’re babysitting and he can’t throw a loud wild party like he planned at your house without asking before hand, he just assumed. So he wanted you to spend New Years what? Locked alone in your room while he partied with friends? Then he tries to guilt you to get his way. Your son sounds kinda like a turd
I agree w Logan on this –
NTAH, for this specific example, but I’m curious how many times while visiting your youngest has been told “not now, the grandkids…” or “I’m tired after the grandkids” when he wants to do something with you.
Now he wants to have some friends over for NYE (which is not unreasonable at 20) and its again about the grandkids.
You’ve got the grandkids (who it seems like you couldn’t wait to move 6 hours away from your youngest for) for 4 days out of 7, plus overnighs. How much quality 1 on 1 time have you spent with your son this visit?
She shouldn’t have to change already established plans, and i never said she should. I was just curious to know how much quality time her youngest has had.
And there’s a bit of a difference between saying you want to have some friends over for NYE and using her hours as a party spot
NTA but I do wonder whether the three boys get and got the same amount of time with you. Just calculating here, but Michaels firstborn came when Logan was twelve and once he was gone you moved to Michael. So maybe Logan felt a little put to the side since the grandkids came? I just know from my boyfriend’s family that with three boys and such a big age gap it can be hard to keep the balance. Not accusing you of anything, just suggesting to spend some quality time with Logan while he’s there and maybe digging into his thoughts. He might as well just be a 20 year old behaving a little bratty though. If his friends are over for NYE anyways there is no need for him to be mad.
He can’t claim you have to drop everything with your grandchildren so that he can hang with his friends. Where would you be during this event? Playing beer pong with them? He’d probably send you to your room. Big NTA for you. Guess who is?!