My (f27) best friend (f26) of 21 years is moving in with her boyfriend and has asked me to help. The thing is, I’m always up for helping people move, but she has told me, she doesn’t need my help moving boxes and furniture. She just wants me to help her clean the new appartement and I said no. She has asked three times by now, always acting as if she hadn’t asked before and always telling me that they had enough people for heavy lifting, so if I didn’t want to help her clean, she wouldn’t need my help.
I personally don’t think that cleaning is part of helping someone move. Don’t get me wrong, if she urgently had to move into a filthy appartement, I’d help her clean, but there is no time pressure at all.
Here are four things to clarify:
1. For the past six months we’ve barely spoken and only met twice. She showed up to my birthday two hours late and stayed for one hour only. There was no major fight but we have some issues we can’t really get past right now.
2. She is not moving into a new place but into her boyfriend’s appartement. Within the past five months she spend 98 % of nights there. I think she could have used this time to clean the "disgusting, filthy manhole" she decided to move into.
3. I wouldn’t mind swiping or dusting furniture that’s being moved or hoover the old appartement. But she wants us to deep clean while the boys do the heavy lifting. E.g. empty and clean the fitted kitchen, scrub the baseboards and clean the bathroom. Why doesn’t she do that before the moving?
4. This is her 6th move within the past 8 years (in with boyfriend A, back to her parents, in with boyfriend B, back to her parents, into her own appartement, now in with boyfriend C). Most of the time I’ve helped but twice I couldn’t as I wasn’t in the country.
Should I shut up and help her clean?
Yes, I’ll help clean
NTA-she can hire a cleaner.
Can I re-phrase?
Her BF made the mess & is comfortable living in it, so he needs to hire (and pay!) for a cleaner.
If I was her boyfriend, I would be weirded out by inviting a partner’s friend in to clean my house so my partner could move in.
NTA
NTA
Also, you’re not friends. She is a user, and you’re a giver. I suggest that you stop giving here anything, including your time and attention.
NTA. She is not your friend.
NTA. No is an answer that needs no justification, reason or excuse.
For several months she hasn’t deep cleaned her de facto home, nor has she told her boyfriend to grow up and start cleaning. Sounds like she can’t be bothered to do any of that fer herself but also doesn’t want to pay a cleaner.
NTAH. Something’s weird with this, deep cleaning her BF’s apartment isn’t a thing unless it was an emergency. Offer to research cleaning companies for jer, but there is no need to get your hands dirty.
Also she sounds like a fair weather friend. I know you have a long history but I was about your age when I went NC with my cousin. Her mom and mom are the two oldest of ten kids. Going NC with my cousin hurt but in the last 25+ years I have had more moments of relief that regret.
Be well but don’t give in to her guilt tripping.
NTA absolutely not! She’s a user
NTA, they can hire someone to do the deep cleaning
NTA and good luck to her for moving into her bf’s filthy apartment. He sounds like a real joy to live with and clearly she’s going to be his new maid.