I (26F) was in a very complicated relationship with my ex (29M). Before dating, we were best friends. When we got together, it turned into about a year of on-and-off where he kept going back and forth between me and his ex-girlfriend. Eventually, he said he chose me and wanted to commit.
The relationship itself was extremely hard on me and my self-esteem. He constantly insulted me, compared me to his ex, and isolated me from people. He never paid for anything and said he couldn’t because he was still financially tied to the house he owned with his ex. I tried to be understanding.
At the time, I was paying rent and covering most expenses. I repeatedly asked him to at least contribute financially or help with cleaning if he truly couldn’t afford rent. He didn’t do either. I accepted it because I cared about him and believed things would improve.
Things escalated badly. He h\*\* me once. He continued to compare me to his ex, and eventually he broke up with me at a point when I was unemployed and emotionally drained.
A few months later, his house with his ex was finally sold. And our breakup, I asked him for the money he owed me and he said he couldn’t afford it because he had bought a van.
At the time, I didn’t push harder because I was still emotionally attached and trying to survive the breakup. Now that I’ve had some distance and am finally starting to recover, I’m realizing how much I financially supported him. Altogether, what he should have paid in rent and expenses comes to about 5,000€.
So here’s where I’m unsure: Would I be the asshole if I reached out now, months later, to ask him to pay me back for the rent and expenses he never contributed to?
Part of me feels like I enabled this by not enforcing boundaries sooner, but another part of me feels like I was taken advantage of during a very vulnerable time.
AITA ?
Edit 1: I consulted a lawyer and she said I have enough proof proving that he owes me and we had an agreement. She would be the one talking to him, not me.
Edit 2: Sorry, I must have miss explained it. He agreed on paying half of rent; but kept asking me to pay ahead because he couldn’t afford it due to his house that he still had with his ex. And I did, and then I kept asking for the money (half of rent and food) and he kept saying he couldn’t afford it because he came back from an expensive trip but he’ll pay me soon.
Did you have an agreement that he would pay you a certain amount per month? Or is $5k just your estimate based on what you think he would have paid? It sounds like you just asked for him to contribute without any actual amount or agreement for how much/when.
If you don’t have a lease or agreement in place, then no, forget the money, consider it a cheap price for your freedom from this hobo sexual.
Walk away.
NTA but also not worth it
You are nta if you ask him to pay what he owes and promised but you are wasting your time.
If he didn’t pay when you were together you have almost no chance now you are apart.
Was it clearly agreed that he would pay you back? Is it really worth contacting him again and bringing him back into your life? Celebrate being free of him and close this chapter.
NTA, he physically and psychologically abused you, so he should be happy you aren’t going to court about it. but i do think, taking into account his previous behaviour, it is very uncertain he would actually pay all of that back. he will definitely fight you on the numbers and it might genuinely not be worth it, but i don’t know your financial situation so it might be a necessity to ask for it back, especially bc you said you were unemployed at breakup a few months before
also in this economy let me know if i’m wrong but if you just sold your house you should be in possession of some money???? perhaps enough money to be able to cover a van and also pay your ex back for months of financial support??????
and if that’s true, and he still didn’t pay you, I would say it’s even less likely now.
NTA. But honestly perusing this isn’t likely to be worth having contact with your abuser.
So nowhere in your post do you indicate he ever agreed to pay you rent. You asked multiple times but it seems he dodged making any commitment – that means their is no debt. You allowed him to live there rent free and that doesn’t suddenly become a debt just because you’ve finally come to your senses.
Learn from this experience and never let someone live off you like that again. Unfortunately YTA because you can’t invent a debt once you come to your senses.
NTA, but also you’re unlikely to see the money. Are you really wanting the money only, or are you holding on to a reason to contact him, i.e. harassing him about a debt he will never pay? Like fr, take the L and move on. Enforce the boundaries on the next person that treats you like dirt and stop talking to this one…
NTA. He sounds absolutely awful and let’s be honest he will absolutely never give you any money and you’ll probably only be hurting yourself by reopening communication
He was abusive. He is an abuser. Stay away. Don’t re-engage. Consider that 5,000€ is a cheap price for getting away from him with your health and sanity. Instead, get some therapy, so someone else can explain why you should never have any contact with him ever again for any reason.
NTA but why bother? You can ask, but he’s not obligated.
By not enforcing financial boundaries, you were the willing participant and wouldn’t win anything in a court of law, even smal claims court, because you continued to allow it.
So rather than contacting him again and wasting your time and effort in this new year, consider this a good and hard lesson learned.
You will gain nothing, much less any money, by trying to engage with him again.
He doesn’t deserve you, he never did, and don’t let anyone take advantage of your good nature anymore. You deserve so much better, so close that book, draw a line under all of it, and move on to a brighter, more ‘lessons learned’ future.
And don’t let one bad actor spoil it for the rest.
Not all guys are rotten.
NTA, and fuck all this noise about clean breaks. The dude is an invertebrate. Get your money, if only to make his life worse.
This won’t be a popular opinion. I’m aware.
But I’m in the same exact boat and plan to turn the spite to money or comeuppance.
NTA….. You had a clear agreement for him to pay half, and he exploited your kindness while spending money on himself. Since you have proof and a lawyer to handle the communication, you are simply reclaiming what is legally and morally yours, let the professional handle it so you can stay safe and continue your recovery.