My 29F wife and I 33M recently married and with that we agreed to pool our finances together. I earn much more than she does making 150k while she makes 50k. The house we live in is owned by me and we lived here together for about a year before marrying.
I am extremely careful with finances and have had strict budgets for myself. This has helped me save up 150k in retirement funds already and another 50k prepaid on the mortgage. My wife on the other hand has very little finance sense. She has zero dollars in her name but at least no debt. When she lived with me, I paid all the bills except for some groceries. Otherwise she spends all her money.
With our money combined, our take-home income is 11k (about 8000 from me, and 3000 from her). Our monthly spending is about $6000 for mortgage, groceries, car payments, living expenses, etc. I then use 2k to prepay the mortgage faster. 2k goes into our retirement accounts. With the last $1000, we each get $500 into our accounts for "fun spending money". She spends all of this every month to the dollar. Meanwhile, I have like $2000 extra money in it just sitting around.
In the last few months she has grown resentful of this "small" allowance and has told me she wants separate finances again. I plainly told her if she wants to do that she can put $3000 a month of her money right into our shared monthly expenses and that means she has nothing left for herself.
She’s called me unfair, said I financially control/abuse her, and saying that I restrict her spending. In a heated argument, I pretty much told her what I had in my head the whole time: 1) she doesn’t earn enough to justify her luxury ideas of living, and 2) she should be grateful because if she didn’t have me supporting her she would have nothing. No house, no retirement.
Since then, she’s told her friends about this and they’ve come to see me as a controlling asshole husband. AITA for telling my wife these things?
EDIT: To clarify, the house would be considered a joint asset now because we are married, and so she owns half of it now.
YTA. Not for how you feel- it’s perfectly valid to feel frustrated when you disagree about money and she doesn’t seem to understand or care about the consequences of overspending. But the way you responded to her was incredibly assholish. Your solution to her proposing a new arrangement was to tell her she has to either do what you want, or put 100% of her paycheck into expenses every month. It’s one thing if you hash this all out together and can’t come to an agreement; but not even having a conversation about other options and instead jumping right to threatening to punishing her by taking away her allowance and degrading her- that IS being financially controlling.
I think YTA and you both should pay proportional to income. You’re married. This is why finances should be hashed out before marriage. You pay $4500 and she pays $1500 towards monthly expenses. It’s your decision to pay the house early, if she’s on board she can contribute an extra $500 and you $1500. The rest of her money is hers and vice versa.
NTA Big yikes. Your wife is immature and spends too much time on instagram. Her friends are also immature idiots and she has now turned them against you. Her bashing you to her friends is also another red flag.
Unfortunate situation but this is very unlikely to succeed long term as she is blaming you for her failure to meet her own responsibilities. That being said just budget her for more fun money. Who cares.
Updateme
NTA. You have worked hard and handled your finances in a responsible manner. She is an ungrateful child with a spending problem. I have lived this myself and you may want to speak to an attorney. I would think your house is a premarital asset.
NTA but tbh you’re both a little bit assholes. Because on her part, if she wants separate finances, she doesn’t get any of the benefits you are supplying her with, and if they’re shared, $500 a month for fun spending money is more than enough. I genuinely don’t understand and would LOVE to
have the “problem” of only $500 a month for whatever I want. That’s my dream rn.
NTA but you married someone with very different financial values and for whatever reason you didn’t see it until now. It sounds like if given the opportunity she’d let it rip spending wise in a way you’d never agree with so you have to think about your future together and what that looks like and have a serious discussion.