Hi!
I, NB22, recently found some old yearbook photos of me and my older sister, F26. Our birth father, M70, is someone who has always been extremely abusive and emotionally immature for longer than we both can remember. As of writing this, my father is currently losing his mind to what is more likely than not Dementia.
Due to certain circumstances, a ton of memories that we had pictures and stuff of is gone and has been for about a decade now. While my older sister (who we’ll call K) thinks that with his mind going that we should give him some type of leeway, I very strongly disagree. The both of us were put into foster care BECAUSE of him and his actions.
Now that I’m older, I usually prefer to stay no contact with him. However, I still go home when my college is on breaks. Finding pictures of me and K is something that is very dear to me, as I was still a kid and didn’t have to worry about the harsh reality that is the world.
With that being said, I don’t comfortable sharing these pictures with him. On top of that, he has a ton of his family on his social media. The times that me and K lived with him post-foster care, he was abusive and more physical about it. His family did absolutely nothing when we went to him and it even resulted in my last attempt at ending it all.
For all of this, I genuinely don‘t believe I owe him ANYTHING. I think all of them can go fuck themselves if I’m being completely transparent. AITA?
It’s not like he’s asking for them is he? Do you think he’d even want them? I think you’re creating a conflict that doesn’t exist. NTA
Hi!
Yes, he did ask for the pictures and I didn’t really give much of an answer. He started trauma dumping on me about that time and I told him I wasn’t comfortable talking about that right now, as most of that time are memories I have of my mom before she passed away in 2020. He got upset and slammed his bedroom door shut.
You don’t owe him anything either way. But are you saying that you are staying with him and you go home for college? And will deny him the pictures affect that?
Long term, no. But my father is very passive-aggressive and argumentative. My older sister lives with me too, so I know someone has my back whenever I’m home. Fingers crossed both of us are able to successfully move out in the summer!
Also I appreciate your engagement!
NTA. You owe him nothing.
NTA.
As much as people will claim and bitch otherwise, actually, losing your kids is hard. Look at how many kids live miserable, deprived lives with crappy parents because it didn’t meet the threshold to have them taken away. Even the ones who do, it begins short-term usually, with instructions to get shit together so they can give the kids back.
Parents who make the odd mistake don’t lose their kids. Fuck-ups who don’t deserve a photo lose their kids.
1000% agree. If my father was emotionally capable of taking accountability, we could’ve had a better relationship. I have an older half-sister that is also no-contact (F37) and she thankfully understands me, as she was once an undergrad in college trying to distance herself. We don’t have much of a relationship unfortunately because of our 15-year age gap, but we have an unspoken understanding of each other and love each other to bits. She even made it a tradition for her and my other sister to drop me off at college during moving-in day and I always look forward to it.
Hell, if my mother was alive, I would have no issue sharing them. She wasn’t the world’s best mom, but she was able to take accountability and truly wanted what’s best for her children, even if it didn’t benefit her in someway.
NTA.
You don’t owe anyone who abused you or stood by, anything. You don’t even owe them honesty or transparency.
Those are earned.