I (20F) have a big group of cousins, but i’m particularly close to two: L(21F) and J(21F), we’ve been a known trio in the family since childhood.
A few months ago, our cousin M(26F) decided that we’ll have monthly cousin gatherings with a few of our other cousins for bonding, we all agreed seeing it as a cute opportunity to build our relationship. The gatherings were fun the first two months, until it was my turn to host and J+a few others couldnt make it. I was ok with that since J lived far away anyways, but M got very mad and went off in the gc saying this people should respect the time we set and come.
This put a wedge between J and M bc M was being very rude in the way she worded things. We still kept the gatherings going for the next months and had a good time. After that we started struggling to find a date that we’re all free on bc finals started and most of us were in uni/school.
M was very strict about setting a date and for everyone to come, to the point where most of us would get stressed about it bc we know she’ll get mad if we have smt on the day she chooses. She also won’t have it if someone canceled, she’d say there’s absolutely no excuse for you to say no and she was rude about it most of the time.
M was still trying in the gc to find a date that works but she got tired because everyone kept saying they can’t so she got angry and said that in two days we’ll finalize a date.
Two days later no one said anything and L,J, and I were the only ones to finish our finals so we had nothing going on. I had a gift for L that linked to an inside joke I had with L and J that I knew she’d absolutely die over so I wanted to give it to her IRL to see her reaction. Because of this, I invited them over to my place, we hung out and gave L her gift. We didn’t post anything on any social media, but L called one of our cousins to tell her about the gift and we think somehow that lead to M finding out about this meet up. The next morning M sent in the group chat some very cryptic messages: “thank you guys i had fun goodbye, but i wished you guys didn’t try to flatter me all this time” and left the gc. L and J had already tried to ask her whats wrong in private but she replied to both of them with the same reaction pic saying “For REAL?”.
I sent her a text later asking her if she’s mad over me meeting up with L and J yesterday. I explained that we didn’t plan for this and it happened the day of and that the entire reason for it was to give L her gift. I said that the cousin who was supposed to host this month has exams and I didn’t want to put extra stress on her by telling her to host us. I ended by saying if that’s the reason she’s mad I take accountability and i’m sorry.
I don’t think i’m in the wrong for having L and J over as it’s VERY known that we’re best friends and we’ve been having meet ups where’s just the three of us for YEARS.
So am I the asshole for inviting L and J without telling M?
Nta! You’re talking about two different things. Your cousin wants a regular cousin meetup, fine. That does not mean that you can no longer meet with the three of you as you have all along and M doesn’t get a say in that. You don’t owe her an apology because you did nothing wrong.
NTA
It reads as if M is making these gatherings into an obligation. If the point is to foster bonding and a close familial relationship, mandatory attendance would undermine the point.
If the point is to boss around the other cousins, and make people dislike each other then attendance edicts are definitely the way to go.
As someone from a family with 15+ cousins on just one side. NTA. M is being weird. If someone can’t make it to that month’s met up. You can just catch them at the next gathering. Does M have a history of being controlling by chance?
Yes!! I worked on a big project with her once and she made me do everything exactly the way she wanted it and ended up taking credit for all the work. The only reason she started these gatherings is because she messed up her relationship with all the cousins her age so she has no one to hang out with anymore.
Honestly just ignore her at this point. She’s an adult who can handle her own feelings. That is not your job to manage them.
No you’re not aah
That cousin sounds like a control freak to me
M sounds absolutely exhausting. Ignore her and get together with whomever you want whenever you can.
NTA. While it’s nice that M is trying, she CANNOT monopolize everyone and their time to suit herself. Just because the group is gathering once a month, that doesn’t mean individuals/groups within the group can’t meet up separately at other times. If a full gathering can’t be held one month (such as because of finals), then it doesn’t happen. Again, that doesn’t mean individuals or smaller groups can’t meet. It sounds like M has some compulsive need to be in complete control, even over family members. Since she can’t control her elders and those her age, she’s targeting the younger group thinking she can control y’all since she is the older one.
Keep arranging these gatherings if everyone else likes them, just without her. She’s welcome to be there, but she’s not welcome to control it. Otherwise, let her throw her toddler tantrum and remove herself from the group. You might want to let the older generation know all this before M goes crying to all of them about how mean y’all are. This will be one of those “get your narrative in first” type of situations.
The only person I can think of who has the right to control another adult’s schedule is a prison warden. You’re not in prison and your cousin isn’t a warden. So no, NTAH!