TW: Alcoholism
I (35F) collect perfume. I’m also a recovering alcoholic, as is everyone in this story.
My ex-friend “Bethany” (30F) also loves perfume. We met in a recovery group and bonded over trading fragrance samples.
I own some scents that she loves but can’t afford. Over the years she’s asked if I’d mind decanting a few for her, and because scents expire and there’s a limit to how much you can reasonably use at a time, in all but 1 case, I happily filled up travel atomizers for free.
The exception is Le Labo’s Thé Noir 29. I bought a bottle to mark my first 6 months of sobriety and it has a POWERFUL association with that achievement for me.
When she asked for a sample, I said she could get them free from Bloomingdale’s, but because of the emotional significance of my bottle, I wanted it to last as long as possible.
Bethany accused me of gatekeeping and being insecure about anyone else smelling like me. I snapped back that if that were the case, I wouldn’t have shared every other scent I own with her.
Later, she apologized. I accepted and things went back to normal, until I invited her and a few friends over for a movie night. When I walked into my bedroom and smelled TN29, I immediately suspected Bethany had used it, but had no proof so I held my tongue.
Next time we met up, I smelled it on her. I asked if she bought a bottle but she said she got a sample like I suggested. Something about the way she said it and the look on her face made me sure she was wearing MY perfume.
I pulled away and didn’t have her over again until Halloween, when I had all of our mutual friends over and couldn’t exclude her without it being A Thing.
Halfway through the night she went to the bathroom and was gone a long time. When I checked on her the TN29 bottle was missing from my dresser and I could smell it through the bathroom door.
I said I knew she was stealing my perfume AGAIN, but she claimed she was sick and sprayed HER sample to hide the smell. At this point, our other friends came to see what was happening. I said I didn’t care if she was shitting herself, if she didn’t come out immediately, I’d toss her purse in the trash so she could dumpster dive until she smelled just like the garbage friend she was. That finally got her to open up and sure enough there was my bottle, emptier than before.
When pressed, she admitted she was filling up an atomizer and dropped it, spilling the perfume, hence the strong smell. She cried and apologized, saying she didn’t think it was that big a deal, she was having a hard time and the smell was comforting, she didn’t think I’d miss just a little, etc, etc.
While our friends agree that what she did was wrong, they’re fixated on the idea that she’s struggling, “trauma and addiction can make people act up”, and say I’m a hypocrite if I don’t forgive her.
Personally, I just think she wanted MY TN29 BECAUSE it has sentimental value and is using addiction and trauma to manipulate our friends.
AITA?
NTA
Too grown to be acting like this. Recovering addict doesn’t excuse this behavior.
She stole from you, lied to you, and who knows what else. I wouldn’t feel comfortable having her around anymore.
I have been sober for 20 years now. I never stole from my friends/family.
The excuses are ridiculous. The struggle is real but stealing is just plain assholeness.
NTA at all. addiction and trauma is not an excuse to do shitty things. if you forgive her and move on, you would just be enabling her behavior. she needs to experience real consequences of her actions.
NTA
OP had one line. Don’t touch Le Labos The Noir 29. It was a very reasonable line. Plus Bethany could have just bought Le Labos The Noir 29 herself.
OP shared every other scent with her.
Bethany KNEW how OP felt about that perfume, and went into OP’s bathroom to try and STEAL some of that purfume, and ended spilling the perfume.
Bethany was willing to destroy a friendship over a perfume.
NTA
NTA. Like I always say, the behaviour can usually be explained/rationalised but not always excused.
NTA. She was a guest in your home. She violated your trust (as a friend), your privacy (going through your belongings), and she stole from you. Her struggle with addiction does not excuse her treating a friend like that. Additionally, it’s difficult to be understanding when it seems like someone is not taking full responsibility because they minimize their actions (Not that big a deal. It was just a little. Having a hard time.) That’s not how you respond when you know that you’ve crossed a boundary and hurt someone you care about.
NTA “struggling” is not an excuse for stealing from friends. Especially when you already give her stuff for friend and specifically told her no to that.
NTA.
NTA.
Buy an IKEA cabinet with a door, a small lock, and keep your perfumes in there if you ever have her over again. And no more freebies for her ever.
It’s actually only the ones currently in use that I have out on display, the rest live I. A drawer to protect them from the sun. Do the first time she stole it, she actually went through my drawers to do so. Unfortunately, everyone knows that’s where I keep them because I just HAD to teach all of them about proper fragrance storage, you know, like a pedantic nerd 😩
She’s never coming in my home again and I’m strongly considering a safe.
When I walked into my bedroom …! And Smelled TN29!!! (I immediately suspected that Bethany had used it … but, held my tongue…) *humanimprovementsuggestions, take or leave
See me next week
You gave this parasite way too much.
NTA. She is not your friend.