For Context, I’m 23F and my sister is 25F. We grew up very poor and finances were always tough. We also have had bad experiences with loaning our parents money, I decided 2 years ago that I would not loan any money to them, She on the other hand still does so to this day. To make matters worse we have never truly seen eye to eye. In my opinion she has poor conflict resolution skills so I try to avoid getting in to conflicts with her.
Around 2 years ago, I decided to make changes to my life and paying off debts and living sustainably. I have a decent amount of savings and investments. So yes, even though I have some savings. I still live at home and live within my means. And I am actively saving up for a house which she is fully aware of.
Around 5 months ago, she asked to borrow £1000 for a business she was starting. And I agreed, on the premise that she signed a contract agreeing to pay me back. I thought that way, at least I’m somewhat covered, and she gets the money – win, win right? Wrong. She called me ‘selfish’ and ‘inconsiderate’ claiming she would never have done the same to me if I was in those circumstances. Here’s the thing, Any instance she has ‘betrayed’ me it’s never been about money, it’s been about how she makes me feel. Undermining my emotions etc. she expects me to ‘trust’ her when she never actually apologises when she’s in the wrong. I eventually just have to get over it!
As I stated, money is not a major factor, it’s just not something worth fighting for in my opinion. Anyway, we haven’t really spoken since she tried to get me to feel guilty about writing the contract, no matter how hard I have tried, I can’t seem to think I’m in the wrong. I’m not perfect, I’m well aware, but she truly thinks that is a legitimate reason to stop speaking to me for several months, as if this is the ‘true’ reflection of my character. Can you share your thoughts ?
I would say NTA. Its always good to have a contract, a legally binding contract when it involves money. It’s not a small amount. If she is confident in the business she is setting up and the returns that she would then be able to pay you back. Unless, she has thoughts of not repaying if things went south or just not repaying in general.
NTA – with the way she reacted, she was looking for a handout, not a loan
You’re well within your right to have a signed contract for a loan to a family member, especially when there’s cases of bad financial decisions being made. You were protecting yourself, as you should. Don’t feel bad about that at all. If your sister was asking to borrow the funds for a business then tbh you could have also asked her for a business plan too. If her business goes well then she should very well be able to pay you back, even in smaller amounts over a set time. If she comes back to you wanting the loan, make sure you also have an end date of when it should be paid back by. Otherwise it’ll go on indefinitely and you still may never get it back.
Anyhow. Your are definitely NTA in my opinion
NTA – Having a written contract eliminates any ambiguity about the terms as everything is agreed upon by both parties from the get go.
Why does she feel it’s inconsiderate and selfish? That’s exactly what a bank would do…
Would she rather it be a gift?
No, there’s no chance she was going to pay you back or she wouldn’t have been so indignant.
I’ve always been good about paying people back as quickly as they request it, at the same time, I’ve yet to meet anyone who is good about paying me back. I once wrote a contract up about selling a car to a ‘friend’ for WAY below normal asking price. He paid half up front then got in impounded a week later and demanded i sign the rights over to him and tear the contract up.
You should’ve seen his tantrum.
I let him off paying way less than he owed because clearly I was going to get nothing besides bad blood, that was my reward.
If you’re known as forgiving people will feel entitled to forgiveness and don’t react well to their expectations not being met, I mean forget yours right?
If you want to help her out and feel guilty then just gift her the money but don’t get into a loan arrangement.
NTA…DO NOT LOAN MONEY TO FAMILY.
End of story. She’s not reliable and will likely guilt you into her keeping the money even if she does sign a contract.
Tell her to go to a loan shark/bank for the loan.
You’re not wrong. Always cover yourself. NTA.
NTA
Never loan money to friends or family unless you are willing to lose both.
If you have 1k pounds that you can stand to lose, just gift it. If you (like most of us) don’t, she has options. Sign the contract and get the loan or walk away. She can be angry all she wants.
NTA for wanting a level of security over your investment/loan. You might create a loan contract or a contract for you tp get a share of her business.
However, you are conflating 2 things here: one is about safety of your investment and the other is your psychological safety with your sister. You are asking for a loan signature because of how she makes you feel on unrelated topics. That feels a bit like getting bacl at her.
You did the right thing by protecting yourself. A contract is a smart move, especially with money involved and past experiences. She’s trying to guilt-trip you because she knows you’re being cautious, and it’s not her place to call you selfish for ensuring repayment. Stay firm; your financial security matters more than her emotional drama.
Nta. Shes likely taking example from your parents who probably guilt trip her into loaning them money.
Its kinda sad when people are the, do as I say, not as I do. I dont typically hold any space for those folks.
Anyone starting a legit thing, isnt going to have issue with signing a contract for terms to pay back. People who come at you with anger when they are asking you something and you try and hold your boundaries arent there for you. Arent champions of you and dont care about paying you back.
I would tell her to go get a bank loan now because I don’t trust her one bit.
Also, when and if you do lend money, dont ever expect to get it back. Cuz …..you might not and you should prepare for it. If you dont you will be very angry lol
NTAH
>*”And I am actively saving up for a house which she is fully aware of.”*
>*”Around 5 months ago, she asked to borrow £1000 for a business she was starting.”*
\^\^ These two situations are not isolated. Your family know that you’ve got some cash due to your savings/ home ownership goal, so you need to hurry that along and in the meantime remain very firm on any requests to borrow money.
Also asking her to sign something was very smart as she showed her hand. Finally consider the possibility that she may start borrowing money from you and handing it to your parents, which then puts you in a very awkward position with no recourse.
Also your posts indicates that you feel emotionally manipulated by your sister, as hard as it sounds, you’re going to have to learn to ignore her and let it go. Because fundamentally she will likely not change and you cannot allow her to manipulate you into giving her money you likely will not receive back.
I’d say that your decision should depend on how much you value this relationship.
Since you write that “we have never truly seen eye to eye” it seems to me that you two are not so close, at least in YOUR opinion.
So, it sums up to the answer to this question: “is this relationship, in your view, worth losing £1000?” (which, AS OF NOW, is only a risk and would become true only in the worst case scenario).
IF YES, then give her the money. You might consider pointing out that, if she doesn’t return the loan within time, you’ll never lend her even a penny in the future.
IF NOT, don’t even risk.
The first time I lent money to my brother, he didn’t return it at all, without even spending a word. I hadn’t asked anything before nor did I say anything after. Since then, I decide based on my cash flow of the moment he asks: if I have money available to “spend in growing the relationship” I give it to him, telling IN ADVANCE that it is a gift; otherwise I say no. No discussion ever; avoiding this kind of discussions helps “keeping the air clean”.
NTA. When someone, even family members get the arse over something like this, it tells you all you need to know, and that is you would not get the money back without the contract. And even with the contract you may have to take legal action to get it back.