My best friend recently started talking to their ex again, and I just feel mentally drained. They would tell me all the time about how “I can’t wait to be free and move into my own place”. They finally had an out and didn’t talk to them for a while, then randomly told me they were in the hospital because of something the toxic ex said. It’s so frustrating having to give them advice or hear them vent when they basically are just letting themselves be hurt at this point.
It’s even more frustrating that whenever they’re in a bad mood because of the ex, they sometimes throw that negative energy onto me, they’ll be like “sorry I didn’t mean to get mad at you just in a bad mood because of (ex name)” along those lines. I asked them if they wanted to hangout and they told me no, so I asked and assumed “are you playing with (ex name)?” They said yes. I told them I just don’t get it. They decided to ignore me, so I’m just annoyed how they rather hangout and give attention to someone that treats them bad, but ignore a friend who cares and who’s been there for them for almost everything.
I feel bad for feeling this way but it feels hard to be supportive at this point, it’s like warning a kid about something, they get hurt then do it again. If the ex does something bad about again, I’m tempted to tell my friend I just can’t listen to them complain about him anymore if they keep going back. I feel they might think I’m a bad friend but I feel like I’m just being used at this point. I guess what I’m trying to ask is am I in the wrong for feeling this way? I don’t really know what to say or do.
INFO – how old is everyone involved?
Both my friend and their ex are 22, and I’m 24.
r/relationship_advice
Toxic relationships are like an addiction. It’s difficult to leave. This is something a lot of people struggle with and most people stay way too long. Sometimes it’s frustrating watching from the outside but all you can do is supportive while maintaining boundaries when it becomes too much for you.
She should not be letting it out on you but this is where your boundaries come in. So, don’t blame her but do have better boundaries.
NTA
Never go back to the ex.
NTA. However, this often happens in relationships. Being a friend means being there unconditionally, not just when your Friend allows you to make life choices for them. Relationships can be really tough to navigate. Having someone that you can vent to w/o judgement is the true definition of a friend. Wtbs, yes you should definitely share your thoughts and feelings with you friend! Just know that your friend gets to be the decision maker in their life, just as you do in yours… even when the decision are not in our best interest. Life has a tendency to go that way until you learn to choose wisely. Wisdom takes time.
NTA. That said, perhaps it may be best you take a step back and let things play out. As much as it may hurt to see a good friend going through a toxic relationship, they will not cut things off until they’re ready. In a similar way it’s like a drug addiction, they will only stop when they hit rock bottom. You can still support your friend but it may be best you do so from a distance so you’re not as emotionally effected by what you’re watching.
Nah your not an asshole she went on about it being bad for her probably made everytime she hung out with u about how bad her relationship is and when u finally got your friend back she does it again my girl had a toxic friend who I kept telling her to let go but she had known her forever my gf stoped talking to her for months the friend apologized for all the crap she pulled and how her ex was to blame and then a month later goes back with him and pulls the same crap with my girl again and if giving your friend space makes them leave forever then they weren’t worth your energy to begin with
NTA.
I have a had a few friends like this. One was in such a bad situation that after 2 years of being their main support I had to say “look, I love you. So so much. And I just can’t watch you hurt yourself anymore. I’ll always be here for you but if you’re going to keep making this decision to stay in contact with this person I’m going to have to make my own decision to step back from our relationship. I care way too deeply about you to watch you hurt yourself and it’s affecting my own mental health.” And then I cut them off for a couple years. We only reconnected because they sent me the restraining order they ended up getting against them, and the defamation case. They told me that I was a big driving force for that because they knew the love I held for them and that I wasn’t what their ex was saying about me.
It’s okay to let go of people that are hurting when their hurt is also hurting you. Especially when they are making the decision to let the person hurting them continue doing so. I know it sucks and I wish it were more simple than that, but you have to take care of yourself too.
You are NTA but you are also doing a bit with her what she does with the ex. You’re hanging on even though she’s not always good for you. The best thing i have to say is really think of the relationship you currently have with them is good, or your view of the relationship is based Solely on old past memories.
You’re not a bad friend for feeling this way. Set boundaries. You deserve to protect your own mental health while still being there if they genuinely need support.
NTA – you are their friend not a therapist.
NTA! My bestie did the same cause a toxic friend convinced her to forgive and forget and not to break up. I was also very annoyed and sad.
NTA. You can’t make choices for her though. Toxic relationships are very difficult to walk away from.
Set your boundaries about complaining/talking about the relationship and then focus on having fun together. If you have a healthy relationship yourself, let her see how you are treated. She likely has low self-worth and self-respect, so reinforcing her and showing her how she can be appreciated will help her start to believe she can/should have that too.