I have a few friends that are autistic and do have sensory issues so I get some of this. I have a friend who has always struggled with hygiene. Some of it is that some of it is sensory, some of it is that the steps that involved but the biggest thing is that he just doesn’t see the point. The only one who kept on him about his hygiene was his mother but she passed over 20 years ago and a couple years after she died, his dad placed him in a group home. I don’t think the aides at the group home don’t uphold hygiene standards very often. He has lost jobs due to hygiene and refusing to do his job but mostly his hygiene. The past couple times we hung out, he really stunk to high heaven. I had to tell him that if he wants us to keep being friends and go do things, he has to bathe and wear clean clothes. Just getting into the shower and letting plain water run over him is not bathing. Both he and his aides said I was being abelist. I said that it was not abelist, it’s having some standards about cleanliness and he has lost jobs due to his hygiene, he has lost all of his teeth due to his hygiene, he had a staph infection due to hygiene. AITA for saying he has to bathe to keep a friendship? We don’t get to hang out very often due to my job.
NTA
It’s not autism stopping him from washing, it’s laziness. Yes he may have sensitivities around washing but it’s an essential life skill that he should be practicing daily. It’s time to review your friendship. His aides are letting him down and frankly I would report them as neglectful.
RE: neglect. I do wonder what level of care his group home is supposed to be at. There are some that are more community living situations where they have support staff but the expectation is you’re independent in activities of daily living (bathing, dressing, brushing teeth, etc) and the staff is only there for meds, meals, laundry, MD appts and helping to arrange transportation. Maybe he’s needing a higher level of care than they can provide but they keep him to get payment.
ETA: definitely report them. I’m guessing he’s getting assist from Medicaid, so that might be a place to start or adult protective services.
NTA Boundaries are healthy. Your boundary is “I’ll hang out if you bath”.
If he wants to hang out, he will bath, or he won’t.
The buttholery comes down to HOW you said it, but setting a healthy boundary for yourself is not a hole behavior.
i was in a similar situation with an autistic roomate , smell can really get unbreathable and unbearable so i can entirely understand
i think ableist or not , it’s not something you have to deal with. You’re not his mom, you are a friend
if it is unbearable to be around it’s not wrong of you to step back
especially since you explained
NTA. And if I were you I would write a letter or email to the management of the home he is in. They are not providing him with the help he needs.
Send them a link to this post if it helps.
ETA: As u/Jilliebean415 suggests below, you might consider contacting Adult Protective Services as well.
Maybe suggest showering with the lights off if that’s a sensory problem. Choosing different shower gels together. Put some fun lighting like fairy lights in something in the bathroom. Breaking up the task into stages.
Even just having a bird bath with a flannel is still better than nothing
NTA for being direct with him. As my boss used to say, “clear is kind.”
My son is on the spectrum and he needs to be reminded regularly. One thing I found that helped was exfoliating with BHA serum on the underarms, as well as the advice from r/laundry on making sure his clothes were getting really clean (let’s hear it for lipase and ammonia!). These made a big difference for him.
I agree that the group home is being negligent if his hygiene is to the point that he’s lost jobs and it’s affecting his health.
NTA
If someone has a disability that causes them to do stuff that makes others uncomfortable, it’s still their responsibility. Rehabilitation usually involves helping the patient gradually find ways to overcome challenges, not organize their life around avoiding them.
You didn’t tell your friend, “ew you’re a dirty r-word,” you told him that his lack of hygeine makes it too uncomfortable for you to be around him. Your post has a compassionate tone, here, so it’s hard to imagine that you were mean about it. I guess if someone has a lot of shame associated with a symptom, even the most gentle delivery can still trigger them. That doesn’t mean you have to pretend there is no problem.
NTA, but crossing into the territory of legitimate welfare concern that you should probably try to escalate formally (i.e. with social services). The aides aren’t doing their job if he is in such a state of poor hygiene, especially when it’s damaging to not only his social development but to his health – staph infections, lost teeth, so on. And, whilst not a pleasant thought… if they aren’t making him brush his teeth or shower, they probably aren’t putting in any work to educate on the importance of genital hygiene. UTIs can escalate quickly and can even be fatal if not caught in time. Due to the length of the male urinary tract, severe UTIs are less common in men, but when they do occur they are more prone to complications and permanent damage. The best preventatives are hydration and good hygiene.
NTA, and their language is “shut down language” meant to stop any meaningful dialog.
Stand your ground and dont sacrifice your own comfort for someone else, disability or not. Sounds like visitors aide is enabling instead of setting a proper routine.
I also have an autistic kid.
It is the group home’s responsibility to make sure your friend is clean and taken care of. Even if he resists, it’s still their job. They may not be able to get him to shower frequently, but they can make sure he wears clean clothes. Your complaint should be to the GH manager and advise them that you will escalate the issue to the state if nothing is done. They are getting a significant subsidy to house him; a complaint will have the state looking into their business and the condition of the other residents, and I guarantee they don’t want that!
NTA. Good for you for being an advocate for your friend.
NTA the assholes here would be his caretakers who clearly aren’t doing their job properly if they’re letting him leave home in dirty clothes
His personal hygiene is so bad that he lost all of his teeth?! Whoever is letting that happen is doing him a great disservice and you’re NTA for pointing it out. Going a day without showering is one thing but this is clearly beyond that.