I (20F) had dinner with my boyfriend and his family. It was an overstimulating place (think Rainforest Cafe style theatrics) and it was getting kind of late – so my boyfriend’s niece "Olivia" (2F) was not in a good mood. Olivia was fully melting down by that point, like you know it’s bad a toddler is bawling and won’t eat bread slathered in butter (a delicacy in toddlerland for those who don’t know).
Olivia started saying "up!" and reaching out for me, so I picked her up and held her. She stayed on my lap for the rest of the time, and fell asleep as we were getting ready to leave. On our way out the door, my boyfriend’s mom told me that I shouldn’t have done that. She said that I spoiled Olivia and that she needs to learn consequences. She said that while Olivia is under her care, I shouldn’t be looking after her. I feel kind of bad now, it wasn’t my intention to spoil her or anything.
AITA for trying to calm my boyfriend’s niece?
NTA
Comforting an upset toddler the way you did is lovely and kind. It is not “spoiling”.
You are obviously NTA – a child needed comforting and you gave her exactly that.
What “consequences” were MIL trying to teach this poor overstimulated toddler? And at the expense of the other customers at the cafe/restaurant who would have had a toddler-meltdown as the soundtrack for their evening.
No, OP you did exactly the right thing – and you didn’t spoil the niece at all, you helped her cope with a situation she didn’t know how to deal with herself.
NTA the parents could have intervened and didn’t. I suspect your boyfriend’s mom is just pissy that you were able to calm the child when she and her own daughter weren’t.
bf’s mom also didn’t intervene at the time to get OP to put the kid down. My guess is she also didn’t want to hear the kid scream, but ultimately wanted to claim moral superiority as to why she hadn’t helped the kid herself.
Why didn’t your boyfriend help? Also NTA
NTA at all.
Thank you for acknowledging her as a person with needs and meeting her needs in a healthy manner.
Kids aren’t tiny adults or set dressing for a family.
They are fully formed people who can’t always express what they feel or need.
You did well.
NTA
Consequences of what? What is this poor child supposed to learn?
Mom of 2, career nanny-NTA. You did exactly what you should’ve done-listened to her (up”, crying, etc), recognized sleep cues, comforted accordingly. You could’ve tossed in a “Are you okay if I pick her up?” to the child’s parents but that wasn’t 100% necessary. Also, it wasn’t even the parents who approached you, it was the mother-in-law. She is the issue (or asshole) in this situation.
As an aside, I would keep tabs on mother-in-law because I think she likely shares her opinions/expects others to follow them based on this situation. Just so that you are aware and going eyes/ears wide open
I have sons who are now fabulous, caring, compassionate men in their twenties who discuss their feelings, wants, and preferences with me and with their lovely partners. I am so proud of them.
When they were small I always, always picked them up and cuddled them if they ever showed any wants or needs in that direction. I never ignored their wishes for fear of spoiling them. Treating babies and small children with kindness and compassion doesn’t spoil them. It makes them feel more secure, loved, and safe, and it teaches them that when they need love and support they can trust those they love to provide it.
In other words, your MIL is at best a fool and at worst a manipulative bully.
Hope that helps.
NTA. Honestly, I wonder about your boyfriend’s mother’s child-raising practices. In the families I know best, any adult – maybe a parent, but also an adult sibling, family friend, aunt or uncle etc etc – can soothe a wildly over-stimulated and upset child of only 2, and the actual parents or guardians are usually grateful. I’ve spent time myself distracting a toddler while the parent(s) are occupied with the other children. I mean, there are cases in which an outsider should not interfere with family practices, and some children for whom meltdowns are a constant problem and whose meltdowns should be handled by the methods the parents have learned (and probably had recommended by child development experts). Your average-two-year old who is overtired and overwhelmed by crowds and noise probably needs nothing more than comfort from a trusted adult until they doze off, and most parents would be pleased to have someone do that.
Grandma is jealous because kiddo went to you and not to grandma. But then a thorn bush sounds more comforting than grandma. Ignore grandma and keep being kind to this kid. You may be the only one who is kind to her.
You are a safe space for that child. Continue to do what you do.
NTA
NTA. As a parent, the number of parents/grandparents who don’t understand that exhausted, overstimulated small children need calmness and cuddling rather than punishment is ridiculous. I’m pretty certain that we had that figured out by the 2nd evening eating out with a toddler, and never had to do the ‘one parent boxes up the food and pays while the other hustles the screaming/sobbing child out to the car’ dance after that. Screens are bad and all that, but an iPad with child-friendly headphones, a beloved plushie, and a blanket so they can cuddle quietly into a parent’s side while the adults eat can make a pleasant experience for everyone in the area. Punishing a toddler because YOU as an adult failed to read the cues and were unprepared for the meltdown their unattended needs caused is just wrong. They lack the emotional regulation and probably the vocabulary to use their words, how else with they tell you what they need?
NTA. You did a good job of soothing the child and ensuring everyone’s evening was calm. The child should have been in bed, and it is not a time to teach a child a lesson about consequences. You did not spoil the child, and I am kind of worried that someone would think that and has a caretaking role of a child.