Hello!! I want to start off by saying that I may be a minor, I am still in high school which is why I still live with my parents. I (M) prefer spending most of my time in my room rather than downstairs with my family, and it’s been causing some problems for me.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve just been more comfortable in my own space and doing my own things. I’m not really a super social person, and I’ve never really enjoyed hanging out with friends outside of school. My parents constantly comment on how I’m “always in my room” and compare me to my siblings, who spend a lot more time downstairs. They say it’s rude or that I don’t want to be around them (which isn’t true).
The thing is, when I am downstairs, I don’t feel welcomed anyway. Conversations feel dry, like nobody really wants to talk to me, and I often feel ignored and get into arguments often . So it’s not like I’m avoiding some warm, engaging environment. I just feel awkward and uncomfortable, and being there honestly makes me feel worse. That’s why I go back to my room, where I feel not judged.
My parents also say I’m “rude” when I’m around them, but I’m not trying to be. I’m just quiet, and I don’t always know how to act or what to say. I don’t hate my family, and I’m not trying to disrespect them. I just don’t feel like I fit into the dynamic downstairs.
I don’t know if I should try to explain this to them or if I’m actually being selfish by choosing my own comfort over spending time with family. I’m starting to feel really guilty because time is ticking. So, AITA? And if I am, could I please get some advice?
NTA, Im 20M im like that sometimes, my cousins are materialistic and lustful and hedonistic
NTA. I feel bad for you because I don’t consider being with my family uncomfortable even though being out in public/with friends is uncomfortable for me. Family should be a safe, comfortable place. But clearly this isn’t your fault
Hi OP, you’re NTA. Let me just start out by saying I’m 30, but I was a lot like that as a teenager. My mother also took offense to it and accused me of avoiding her while we were home togther. She’d also accuse me of ignoring her if I had my headphones in. In reality I just liked being alone. For whatever it’s worth, we have a good relationship now.
You can try to explain your feelings to your family and that you enjoy being alone. But just be aware that they may not accept that and push back. I would only give them your explanation once. Its not bad to be introverted and enjoy your own space. I would carve out some time for family a few times a week to keep the peace but its okay if the majority of the time you want to just be with yourself.
NTA. Seems like a reasonable, loving family might approach this situation with a little tact. If you were one of my kids, I’d try having an open conversation to find out why you prefer to spend time in your room…not shame you or make you feel bad about it. The next time they start to make you feel guilty for not hanging out, you should let them know how you’re feeling. Be prepared that they may not be open to “hearing” you and they could be dismissive or even blame you. If they do put it back on you, then they’re not likely to change their behavior or perspective. You could try suggesting a weekly activity that you could all do together (like cards, a movie, a walk, or some activity you find enjoyable, etc). Proactively organizing something like this shows you’re invested in family relationships and focuses the time so it’s more engaging. Then, retreat to your room guilt-free.
I was the girl version of teenage you. NTA and can you find legit reasons to be out of the house? I used to go to the public library, find a very quiet corner to read, study, draw, or just listen to music. All of the librarians knew me by name. When I was home, I’d also find a million reasons to stay in my room. I studied a lot because I was determined to get the best possible grades so I get scholarships and bounce when I graduated. I also ended up getting a part time job at Barnes and Noble.
I also learned to grey rock, before even knowing it was called that. When I would engage, I would keep it surface level, nothing personal, and focused on a book I was reading or ask someone else questions about what they were doing. I was polite and “professional”.
Nta! I would recommend asking your family (if you’re comfortable/feel able) if you can talk to them and explain exactly what you’ve just said to us! They may not realize how they’re acting or it may simply be because they believe you don’t want to be around them and are reacting as such. Hopefully just some miscommunication going on! Wish you luck!
NTA.
but something to consider – when kids are little, parents spend a lot of time interacting and centering activities on what the little kid can participate in. then the kid outgrows this and the parents no longer have that shared connection. if the kid does not want to engage with the parents and share their new interests or participate in parents interests, then this causes a divide. kids dont want to give up their ‘comfort’ to be bored by parents, and parents dont know what the kid is interested in, or maybe the kid is only interested in solo activities or activities with peers that parents cannot participate in.
parents don’t want to have every interaction with kids to be about nagging kid about chores – but what else can they talk about if you dont have shared interests or spend time together or talk? reminders of tasks become they only communication.
maybe once a week try a low key shared activity, like doing a crossword, or playing cards (uno, poker, bullspit) or rewatching a sitcom one episode each time (a 23 minute commitment). they want to know you, and they want to be part of your life.
u/OP this is good advice, and in fact to avoid trouble over picking a sitcom episode I highly recommend a conversation with family to discover what their favorite shows are (since you don’t know each other well) and then you can just pick Ted Lasso anyway cuz it’s so wholesome and family type shi
NTA, I would run away if I was you. What country are you in? Please investigate bus/ferry/plane tickets out of there IMMEDIATELY.
You are not the jerk I would advise to find a time when there isn’t tension and you can just speak to your parents calmly advising them of how you feel. Tell them that you are not trying to be rude or disrespectful and it’s hurtful to you that they say that just because you are not as social as your siblings were/are. If the conversation turns acrimonious, step away and tell them you don’t want to fight, you just want to explain your feelings to them and not feel judged bc you aren’t like your siblings. I was never a social butterfly either and preferred my own company. It is not a flaw or defect. You are just different and different is not bad. It’s just different.
Introvert in a family of extroverts. NTA
There’s a whole thread out there about how treating people who avoid you badly when they actually try to engage is not productive. Your family isn’t being productive and trying to work on a relationship with you. They want to vent their feelings at you. Why would you want that? I agree with the poster about finding things to do outside the house. I was a big “taking a walk” “going to the library” person.